emma prefers to share her thoughts with a microphone rather than a physical human being, so thank god she has a podcast. recorded from the comfort of her bed...and some other fun places, emma talks at length about whatever is on her mind every week. anything really does go on this podcast. sometimes philosophy, sometimes a random story from 10 years ago, sometimes advice, sometimes fun interviews, and sometimes nothing at all. you never know what you are going to get, but that’s what keeps it interesting. new episodes every thursday and sunday, only on spotify.
Thu, 16 Feb 2023 08:01
you know what i love to do? analyze people. and you know what my favorite dynamic to analyze is? romantic relationships. i think it’s because romantic relationships are possibly the most vulnerable relationship. they bring out every side of a person. they show every weakness, every strength, every flaw… they show traits of a person that might otherwise just sit underneath the surface. so today i wanted to discuss some behaviors that i’ve observed in other peoples relationships, and maybe even some of my own past relationships as well. and i want to talk about what i think these behaviors mean. i must say, these are all just hypotheses. none of it’s backed by science, it’s just backed by life experience. let’s just get into it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Hello, you know what I love to do? Analyze people. I love analyzing people. I always have, I probably always will. And you know what my favorite dynamic to analyze is relationships, romantic relationships. I find romantic relationships to be so fascinating. And I think it's because romantic relationships are possibly the most vulnerable relationship. And they bring out every side of a person. They show every weakness. They show every strength. They show every flaw. They show traits of a person that may otherwise just sit under the surface. The emotional turmoil that comes with being in a relationship, whether the relationship is good or bad, inevitably just exposes all of the sides of you. It inevitably just shows all of the sides of a person. So today I wanted to discuss some behaviors that I've analyzed and observed in other people's relationships and maybe even some of my own past relationships as well. And I want to discuss what I think these behaviors mean, what lies beneath the surface. Now before I begin, I must say, I'm not a scientist. Do I look like a scientist to you? I mean, I do have to wear reading glasses because I have a stigmatism. And my glasses definitely do make me look more like a scientist, but I am not a scientist. These are all just hypotheses. This is just my assumption. This is my own personal read on what this stuff means. But none of it's backed by science. It's just backed by life experience. So moral of that is just don't take anything I say as fact because I am not a scientist. So let's just get right into it. Okay. Couple behavior, relationship behavior, excessive pda. Now what is excessive pda? This is a couple making out at the bus stop in broad daylight. Excessive pda is sitting on each other's lap in a restaurant feeding each other. Excessive pda is posting a video of themselves making out on Instagram. Excessive pda is grabbing each other's private parts in the middle of an urban outfit. I was doing what I'm saying. It's one thing to give your significant other a little kiss on the cheek when you're waiting in line to get Arby's curly fries. That's one thing. It's a whole other thing to be grabbing your significant others ass in the t-shirt section of urban outfiters. Do you get what I'm saying? I think that excessive pda, public displays of affection, screams, relationship, insecurity, but not in the way that you might expect. Because excessive pda is usually something that's mutual. Like both parties in the relationship are displaying excessive affection to the other. I think that this is a sign that both members of the relationship feel self-conscious and insecure about the potential that their peers or strangers don't take their relationships seriously. It's almost like they're trying to prove to the world like, hey, we're in a relationship and this shit is real. Look, we're touching each other's ass in public. You know, hey, everybody, listen up. Our relationship is not a joke. Okay, this is real. Look, because we're making out right now. It's almost like they're overcompensating because they feel like nobody takes their relationships seriously. And this could stem from a feeling of imposter syndrome. Like I know in relationships, I've kind of felt like, wait a minute, I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship. This feels too adult for me. Or I felt like I'm not a sexual enough person to be in a relationship. Like, you know, I don't fit into this perfect girlfriend stereotype. So I don't deserve to be in a relationship, et cetera. So I feel like excessive pda could be the result of two people experiencing those feelings and trying to make their relationship feel more legitimate by aggressively signaling to the world that their relationship is real and watch. It's happening right now. You can see it. Or maybe their parents don't believe in their relationship. You know, it could stem from their parents being like, this relationship isn't going to last. Like, this shit isn't real. Like, stop getting your hopes up. Or maybe their friends are saying that. Who knows? But someone in their lives are doubting their relationship and it's making them feel insecure. So that's one possibility. But another possibility is that they're just so blinded by their love for each other and their obsession for each other that they've lost all sense of social cues. You know, being in love is a very all-consuming feeling. And you can sort of forget about the world around you when you're in love, especially in the beginning of a relationship. You can just be blinded because all you can think about is your significant other and how happy you are to have found love. And so social cues are the last thing on your mind. So you're not thinking about how it might make other people uncomfortable if you're making out in the line of the Apple Store. You might not be thinking about how uncomfortable it might make your family feel if you're grabbing each other's, okay, nobody's grabbing each other's ass at Thanksgiving dinner. That's bizarre. That would be really bizarre. But I don't know kissing in front of your family in a way that's a little too far. You might not be thinking about social cues. So that's another potential option. Next, let's talk about a couple constantly bickering and fighting, yet they stay together. I feel like this is a sign that simply put, the couple isn't a great match, okay? They don't see eye to eye on various topics. They don't click on a psychological level. They haven't let go of their ego in the relationship, like they still have held on to their ego and their relationship because maybe the relationship doesn't mean enough to them for them to let go of their ego for it, if that makes sense. And so their inner relationship that is not right for them. But the idea of leaving each other is too scary to bear. So they'd rather just stay in it and bicker and fight and knock it along. But have the security of being in the relationship with each other than to go their separate ways and possibly find somebody who will unlock a better side of them. But I have to wonder sometimes with couples who are constantly bickering. If somewhere deep inside, they might enjoy the bickering. The reason I say this is because humans like having problems to solve, okay, we're problem solvers. That's what helps us tick. You know what I mean? I've fallen into depressive episodes in the past because I felt like I didn't have any problems to solve, anything to focus on. And it made me feel aimless and anxious because when there's no problems to solve, your mind starts to create its own problems, okay? And then you get anxiety and then you overthink things and it's a terrible feeling. But if you have problems to solve at all times, then in a way you're distracted. And so I wonder if weirdly enough, bickering and fighting with your significant other, in a way that's like not super toxic. That's a whole other story. I'm talking about just light bickering, light fighting. You know, nothing that's abusive towards one another, but bickering and fighting that's too frequent for it to be healthy but not intense enough for it to be abusive. Okay, that's what we're talking about here. That sort of sweet spot. I wonder if that sort of arguing in a weird way is kind of a distraction for people in a way. You know, constantly budding heads with your partner is a distraction. When you're bickering with your partner, you're not thinking about how stressed out you are about work or school. I wonder if some people get addicted to it in a weird way because it's a distraction in a way. It's a problem for their brain to solve. I don't know. That's definitely a hypothesis. Okay, next we're talking about constantly posting each other on Instagram. Like every day you see 10 Instagram stories of this couple just living their best life. Okay, kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower, going out on a sushi date together, walking on the beach, like just constantly posting each other on Instagram and on social media in general. Part of me feels like this is the couple signaling to everybody that they are in a relationship and are unavailable. So don't even think about trying to infiltrate this situation. Okay, we're solid, we're in love. Everybody leave us alone. We're off the market. Don't even think about it. I think posting things on social media weirdly makes them feel permanent. You know, when you post something online, it's like, all right, I'm signaling to the world that I'm in a relationship. And this is my significant other. And I'm owning it on a public level. Or, hey, I'm really committed to this person. So I'm willing to put this relationship on social media because that's how serious our relationship is. It's kind of signaling to the world that this relationship is set in stone. So everybody, you know, who sees our posts together knows that we are in love. We have the perfect relationship and don't even think about trying to fuck with it. You know, another reason why this could be happening is also because the two members of this relationship just genuinely don't have anything else to post because their relationship has kind of become their identity in a way. And this happens a lot where people get into a relationship and they become so obsessed with their relationship because their relationship makes them feel so good, right? They're constantly being validated by their partner. They're so excited about their relationship that they put all of their eggs in one basket and they put all of their focus and energy into the relationship and they don't put it anywhere else because maybe they don't have the discipline too or they don't know that they should, you know? And so their entire identity becomes their relationship and your social media, to a certain extent, is a representation of your priorities. You know what I mean? You're not going to post about something on Instagram that you don't care about. The whole point of Instagram or social media in general is to post about things that you care about and things that are on your mind and things that are most constant in your life, you know? And things that represent your life. And so if your whole life and identity is your relationship then naturally your whole social media is going to be about your significant other. And I don't know. I definitely don't think it's healthy, but I also think that it's something that is worse in the beginning of a relationship and has a lot of potential to improve over time, you know? So if you see your friend posting about their significant other 24-7 because they just got into a new relationship, give them some time because there's a good chance that they might grow out of it in a way. I think the occasional posting of your significant other on social media is not a bad thing because your significant other in theory is one of the most influential people in your life at a given moment, at the moment that you guys are together. And so I don't think that there's anything wrong with posting with your significant other occasionally. But I think when it becomes too much that's when it's a bad sign. That there's a dependence in the relationship that's unhealthy. Okay, next let's talk about avoiding each other completely at a party. Like if you didn't know that these two people were dating, you wouldn't be able to figure it out because in public settings they do their own thing. They mind their own business. They're across the room from each other. I think that this could mean two things. Number one, I think that this could mean that they're so secure in their relationship and in their situation that they don't feel the need to be hovering around each other in social settings. They're like, no, you know what? We get to hang out all the time, just us two. We get enough time with each other. We're going to give each other space in social situations and allow each other to have conversations without the other person involved because we're not worried about what our significant other is going to be talking about with somebody at the social event. You know what I'm saying? They're just so secure. They're not worried about their significant other flirting with somebody because they know that that's not going to happen. They're not worried about somebody flirting with their significant other because they know that their significant other will turn them down. They're not worried about the conversations that are being had because it's none of their business. They're like, you know what? My significant other is an individual and they can go and have their own conversations and have their own personal relationships with people that don't involve me. And that's okay. I think most of the time, that's what this means. But it could also possibly mean that they're sick of each other. Maybe they live together and they're constantly around each other and they get excited about any time that they get to go be an individual. They're kind of sick of each other. Next let's talk about couples sharing their location with each other. There has been only one relationship that I've ever been in where I had to share my location and it was very annoying because I shared my location and they didn't share theirs. Like they asked me to share my location and I was like, of course. And then they didn't share theirs and I was like, this is not there. Why do you get to know where I am all the time but I don't get to know where you are? Anyway, that was definitely a red flag. And by the way, it was. But anyway, I personally don't ever ask my significant other to share their location with me unless they want to. Because if you really think about the concept of sharing your location with somebody, it's like a major privacy breach. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. I don't want somebody to be able to go on their phone and see that I've been home for four days straight and I haven't moved. You know what I'm saying? I like the fact that no one knows where I am at any given moment. I like that. And it's not because I'm hiding anything. It's just because I have a right to that. I have a right to not being tracked by people that I know. And so I extend that freedom to the people that I date. So in my current relationship, we don't share our location with each other. Because if we want to know where the other person is, we can call them up and ask and say, hey, where are you right now? You know, and it's up to them if they want to tell me where they are. And it kind of shows that we trust each other in a way. I think that if you need to have your partner's location or else you can't sleep at night, it might be because you don't trust them. But on the other hand, a lot of couples share their location with each other for safety reasons. And that is smart, actually. I don't think that that's a bad idea to share your location with your partner for like safety reasons. I think that that's actually a good thing and a great thing. But the only problem is is that it can become obsessive very quickly. You know, it can start as a thing where it's like, oh yeah, we share our location with each other for safety reasons. But then you start catching yourself checking where they are at inappropriate times. You know, being like, hmm, they said that they're going to work. But what if they're not? And then you check their location and you see, wait a minute, they're at a coffee shop. But they said that they were going to work. And then you freak yourself out and you're like, wait, they lied to me. They're on a date. And then in reality, it's like they just stop for a coffee on the way to work. It can get unhealthy very quickly. So I think if a couple can truly just share their location with each other for safety reasons and not check it unless they need to, then fair enough. Like that's actually healthy and great. But I think it's a better idea to not track location in a relationship. I think a better option would be both parties in the relationship share their location with a family member or with a close friend that is familiar with the significant others. So let's say your significant other doesn't come home from work on time and they're not picking up the phone. You can then go text this family member or friend that has your significant others location and say, hey, I'm not able to get a hold of so and so and I'm worried about them. Can you check where they are because we need to figure something out? And that is a healthier balance, I think, because I just have noticed that in relationships it can become really obsessive and that's just not healthy for anyone. It's also such like a weird new modern thing that we can do. In the 70s, you couldn't track your significant other, okay? And I think that that was better in a lot of ways. Okay, next let's talk about moving in together immediately. This to me screams a lack of self-control in the relationship because as I mentioned earlier, you know, relationships can blind you in so many ways. It can cause you to forget about social cues. It can cause you to forget about common sense in some ways. It can make you make irrational decisions. It can take away your ability to think logically about a situation because you're so blinded by your love for this person that you are just in Lala land. You know, and you're not thinking about things properly. It takes a lot of self-control and discipline and self-awareness to sort of pull yourself out of your loving illusion, you know, and to look at reality. Because moving in together immediately is risky. It's truly a risky choice. You know, when you first meet somebody, you're on your best behavior and they're on their best behavior because you're trying to court each other. You're trying to be the best version of yourself so that your significant other fully commits to you in a way. And that honeymoon phase only lasts for so long. And then reality hits and it's like, holy shit. You know, this is real and we're in it. And the spice that we had when we first started is kind of gone and we're now in a routine and things are a lot less emotionally stimulating. And, you know, I'm seeing this person's true colors. And this is real now. If you move in together immediately, you're taking a risk because after the honeymoon phase ends, there's a 50-50 chance that you'll break up, you know? I think the choice to move in together is both parties being too blinded by the excitement of the relationship to think rationally about whether or not that's a good idea. I also think it can be a sign that both parties are kind of desperate to accomplish their goal of getting married and having kids and wanting to have a family. A lot of people have anxiety, myself included, about whether or not I'm going to be able to accomplish that goal because you can't force it, right? You can't force yourself to find someone that you would marry and have children with. Like you can't force that. It's kind of up to the universe to sort of put that in front of you. And that's so scary and kind of out of your control, you know? There's only so much you can do. You can go on dates. You can make a lot of friends and try to search for somebody who's a good match for you. But there's kind of a chance that you might not ever find anyone. And so people who struggle with that anxiety might be more prone to rushing into moving in together because that's a step closer to securing somebody to accomplish that goal of getting married and having a family, et cetera. I think the only exception would be if a couple moves in together quickly for financial reasons because that's not to be ignored, okay? There might be a situation where both members of the relationship are like, I'm moving. And, you know, I'd like to get a bigger place. And if we both go in on a space and on rent, then we can save money and live more comfortably. And that would be great. And I think that that can't be ignored. I think if it's rooted in financial benefits, it might actually be a rational choice, but it's still a risk, especially when you're young, you know? Okay, now let's talk about couples that are constantly picking on each other. This could mean one person in the relationship is picking on the other and the other one is just taking it. But this could also mean that both members of the relationship are picking on each other. I don't know the psychology behind picking on someone. Like I don't have a very developed knowledge on why we do that as humans. But based on experience, I know that when someone is picking on someone else, it puts the person who is doing the picking on in the power position socially because it knocks the other person who's being picked on down a peg. Subconsciously, one member of the relationship could be picking on the other to try to make themselves look better or more dominant in the relationship by sort of humiliating the other. Maybe one member of the relationship is sort of insecure of their social skills. And to try to relieve that discomfort, they pick on their significant other to sort of knock them down a few pegs. If both members of the relationship are picking on each other, this could be a sign that they both feel competitive and insecure socially about their own, like what they add to a room. And so they're both constantly competing to be the most valuable in the room. It could be a sign of competitiveness. But it could also just be a sign that that's just their sense of humor. And that's why this one is kind of complicated. It could be deep, but it could also be extremely shallow. They just enjoy picking on each other. It's fun. Like I've been in relationships, I mean, I'm in a relationship where my significant other and I constantly are picking on each other. And it's not because we're being competitive with one another. It's because we like it. Like it's just fun. Like I enjoy it. He enjoys it. We both enjoy it. It's just the way that we joke around with each other. It's fun, you know? But it's not always that way. If the picking on occurs in private as well, like not just in social situations, but also when it's just the couple by themselves. Again, it could just be their sense of humor. But it could also be the couple fighting to make each other feel weaker. When you're constantly picking on somebody, you're kind of beating down their self-esteem in a way. And when you beat down somebody's self-esteem, they rely on you. You know, they rely on others more. The more you beat down someone's self-esteem, the less independent they become. So the person who's doing the picking on might feel a little bit insecure. Like my significant other doesn't need me. They're so independent. And they just have their own shit going on. And they're so confident. And they don't need me. So they go and they start picking on their significant other to try to make their significant other feel like shit about themselves so that they don't feel as confident about themselves. And they don't feel as good about themselves. And then that sort of lessens the risk of them saying, hey, fuck you. I'm going to go date somebody else who's better than you. You know, it's all a game. Relationships are a game sometimes, I swear. Next, let's talk about couples who don't integrate their significant others into their friend groups. Never bringing your significant other around your friends. Okay. I think that this is a sign that you're either embarrassed of your friends and you don't want to show your significant other your friends because you're not confident in their personalities. And you don't know if it will reflect badly on you. Or the other way around, you're embarrassed of your significant other and you don't want your friends to meet them because you're like, this might reflect badly on me. Like, I'm not confident in who they are. And I don't want this to reflect on me, which I think is actually a really telling feeling. Feeling like you don't want to mix your significant other with your friends can really tell you something. So for example, if you don't feel confident in your relationship, your romantic relationship and you don't want your friends to see it or be around it, that could be a sign that this is not the relationship for you because you know, you should feel proud of your relationship. And if you're not feeling that, then maybe it's not the right relationship for you. And on the other hand, if you don't want to introduce your significant other to your friends because you don't really feel like your friends are a great reflection of you, that could be a sign that your friends are not good for you. And this is one of the situations where a relationship is like holding up a mirror to yourself. It forces you to analyze yourself and the people that you surround yourself with because you start to see the world through your significant other in a way. You know, you start to look at the world with the added dimension of like, what would my significant other think of this? On the other hand, you look at your significant other through the lens of the world as well. And you analyze this person based on what you think the people that you respect will think of this person. So I think that this can actually be beneficial if it's thought about and it's noticed. You know, if you notice yourself not wanting to integrate your significant other and your friends, like that can really tell you a lot. But I also think that this can be a sign that your significant other doesn't click with you socially. Like you guys don't have the same social priorities. And so what you do with your friends might not be fun for your significant other. And I don't think that that's necessarily a bad thing. I think it can be totally fine to have friends that you don't introduce your significant other too because you're still your own independent person who has your own independent interests. And so I don't think it's necessarily bad to have a group of friends that you hang out with that you can't bring your significant other into because they just wouldn't enjoy what you guys do. Like I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. But I think it can be a bad thing. It depends. It's a good thing if it's rooted in, you know, you being independent and just enjoying social time without them and being able to enjoy certain activities that you can't with your partner with other people. I think if it's rooted in that, then it's good. It's a good sign. But I think if it's rooted in your partner sort of judging you and what you enjoy doing. And so you need to go and escape to your friends to go and finally do what you enjoy to do. That's a bad sign. Do you see what I'm saying? Next, let's talk about couples who are constantly talking about their sex life to people. I would say it's pretty rare for a couple to start talking about their sex life in front of each other. It's usually behind each other's back, I would say. So I think when couples talk about their sex lives too much and they're like bragging about it. Like, oh my God, we have the best sex. It's so crazy. It's so good. It's amazing. It's like perfect. Like it's all I ever dreamed of. Like I swear, like it's fucking amazing. I feel like that actually might be them projecting onto others their dissatisfaction with their sex life. Like they're trying to talk about it in a way to try to convince themselves that they are satisfied by their sex life. It's like lying to others to try to make it real. You know, it's almost like a weird twisted version of manifesting. It's like if I speak about my sex life, like it's perfect, then maybe it'll become perfect. Because like when you're really confident in something and you're really satisfied by something, a lot of times you don't feel the need to talk about it or brag about it. Because you're like, yeah, I'm good. Like I don't need to talk about it because I'm just happy with it. Usually you sort of brag in a weird way when you're insecure. But I also think that bragging about your sex life could also be a sign that you're insecure about the fact that the only thing that you have in your relationship, the only thing that you connect over in your relationship is sex. So there's kind of nothing else to talk about in regards to the relationship. And you feel sort of self-conscious about the fact that you don't really connect with your significant other over anything else. I've been in multiple types of relationships in my life. Some that are very physical. Like it's almost like the relationship has almost nothing else besides our physical interaction. Like it feels like the whole relationship revolves around sex. And then I've also had relationships where it's like sex is the last thing on our list of priorities. Like number one priority is our friendship in a way. And sex is like number 20 on the list of priorities. And to be honest, I felt insecure when I was in the relationship that was fully based on physical connection. Because I would hear my friends talk about their relationships where they're having these deep conversations with their significant other and all this. And I'm like, oh, we just have sex. And that's a like, we have never had a deep conversation but we have sex. Like it's like that's all there is to say about the relationship. So yeah, I feel like that's kind of what that means. Okay, next. Let's talk about couples who are together constantly 24, 7, never apart on FaceTime with each other all day every day, constantly texting each other. They get a little ding on their phone from their significant other. They're picking up their phone and they're responding immediately. Like just constantly in contact. Never not talking. I think this is a clear sign of separation anxiety. Maybe the separation is rooted in trust issues. They worry that if they're not in constant contact with their partner, their partner will be cheating on them or will forget about them or will stop thinking about them or will fall in love with somebody else. You know what I mean? That's number one. Number two, it could be separation anxiety rooted in fear that something bad will happen to your significant other. You know, you care about them so much that you're paranoid. Like, are they okay? Are they okay? Are they okay? I get a lot of anxiety about people who I love getting hurt or something bad happening to them. And so I have severe separation anxiety with multiple people in my life, especially my parents. And even sometimes my significant other, you know, because if they're cheating on me, they're fucking cheating on me. Like, I don't know. Like, I'm over. I've kind of gotten over that fear. I'm like, listen, if they're cheating on me, I'll figure it out eventually and I'll fucking figure it out. I don't worry about that as much anymore occasionally. I will get paranoid for no reason, but I'm mainly concerned about them getting hurt. So if I text my significant other and then they don't respond for like six hours because maybe they're working or something, I'll sometimes start to freak out because I'm like, are they not okay? And I'll get full separation anxiety about it. I'll start calling and then I'm not answering. I'm like, oh my god, are they okay? I'm so scared. And then it's like, do I need to text their mom and be like, hey, have you talked to my Bay today because I'm getting a little nervous? And it's not rooted in anything other than just fear of them getting hurt. So I understand this sort of separation anxiety, you know, wanting to talk to each other constantly, being together all the time, because that relieves the anxiety, right? But I also think that this can be a sign of both people in the relationship not having the discipline to have a healthy balance. It takes so much discipline to give your significant other space and to go and have your own identity because it's so tempting to just want to be around each other all the time because you make each other feel good and you give each other little kisses and it's so fun and it feels so good. And oh, I just want to have this all the time. But you need to have your own identity to continue to have a healthy relationship and you need to have time alone and time without your significant other to have a healthy relationship and to keep the relationship balanced, right? So I think that this can be a sign of, you know, two people who just don't have the discipline to have lives outside of each other. Next, let's talk about not introducing each other to their parents. This can be a sign that they aren't confident in the relationship, they don't take the relationship seriously enough and they don't feel passionate about the relationship enough to go through the emotional hardship of introducing their significant other to their parents. Introducing your significant other to your parents is very nerve-wracking. Okay, it's very scary. It's very uncomfortable because your parents are judgmental. You know what I mean? Parents are judgmental. They're protectors of you, you know? And so it can be really uncomfortable to introduce your significant other to your parents. And it takes some courage. If you don't take the relationship that you're in seriously, then you're like, this relationship is not worth that discomfort. So it could be a sign of that, but it could also be a sign that you're embarrassed of your parents and that you think that your significant other will judge you. Because, you know, your parents are a huge reflection of you. Although in a way, they're not. Like, it feels like they're a huge reflection of you, you know? But it's also a part of you. It's like baggage. If your parents are difficult people, it might be scary to bring your significant other around them because you're like, ooh, this person is going to see that if they want to marry me, if they want to be with me forever, they also have to marry my parents in a way. And that can be scary. Next, getting married really quickly. I think that this is similar to moving in together quickly. It's being in love to a point where you can't think rationally and you can't control your impulse to just rush this because you want to just feel secure. And I think things like moving in together or getting married makes you feel secure. It makes you feel like, oh, finally, I've completed this life goal to sort of get married and be committed to somebody and have a family. Getting married and moving in together are huge commitments that are complicated. And it makes you feel locked in with somebody. And I think people get married really quickly because they're like, I just want to know that I'm permanently tied to somebody. You know? And there's this desire to relieve that anxiety but the truth is is that just because you move in together just because you get married quickly doesn't mean that the relationship is going to last forever. That's the problem. You know, if you rush into it too quickly, then you get yourself into a sticky situation. If later you want to back out and you're like, wait a minute, I miss red this situation. I don't think this is the right romantic situation for me. But now you're locked in financially, sometimes legally. You know? But you can't always see the potential risks when you're so in love. And you're so desperate to relieve the anxiety that you have about finding your person, I guess. I also think people can get married quickly because they have fear of abandonment. And they're like, well, if I locked this person in through marriage, then they can't leave me now. But the truth is they can. You know? That's sort of the illusion of the whole thing. Moving in together, getting married quickly. It's like they can still leave you. You know, nothing is permanent. Relationships are never permanent. And that's a really hard pill to swallow. Like, nothing is set in stone in life. And I think that we can convince ourselves that getting married or moving in together makes our relationship permanent. But in reality, it's never permanent. We live our lives on our own. You know? And I think coming to terms with that can be really helpful. Knowing that no relationship is permanent. Also, I think some people get married quickly for religious reasons. But that's the whole other thing. Next, let's talk about couples who are competitive with their careers. This, to me, is a sign that they haven't fully let go of their ego and the relationship. Like, the relationship hasn't softened them. A lot of times in a relationship, you'll have a sort of ego death. When a relationship is healthy, I think both parties have an ego death. And by that, I mean, you love this person so much and you want to treat them well, so bad that you're willing to throw your ego away to do that. Also, good relationships force you to let your ego go because there are going to be times when your significant other confronts you. And you can either respond defensively with ego or you can respond in a way that is free of ego where you're like, okay, you know what? Thank you for telling me that. Like, I'm going to try to learn from that. You know, there's so many opportunities and relationships to let your ego go. And I think that's one of the most powerful, beautiful parts of a relationship is uniting together as a team and not competing with one another and looking at each other's successes as both of your successes and looking at each other's failures is both of your failures and helping each other grow by confronting each other on their bad behavior or their flaws, whatever, their struggles. All of that requires fighting against your ego and letting your ego go. And a good relationship will inspire you to do that. We'll inspire you to let go of your ego but a relationship that's just not quite feeding you enough, it's not quite satisfying you enough will not inspire you to let go of your ego. And so I think when there's career competitiveness, it's two people who just haven't fully committed to the relationship enough to let go of their ego. And so they still look at the other person as competition rather than them being on a team together, working together to just succeed. Next, let's talk about irrational jealousy. I'm talking about somebody getting mad at their significant other for literally glancing at somebody who's good looking. You know what I mean? Like just irrational jealousy. This is definitely a sign of trust issues from past relationships or current. This is also a sign of bad self-esteem within themselves. You know, they feel so bad about themselves that they are just constantly assuming that their significant other is looking elsewhere and isn't fully committed to them because they can't imagine anyone being committed to them because their self-esteem is so low. This can also be a sign of someone who doesn't have enough discipline to rationally think before they confront. It's very natural for us to have doubts in our relationship. Like, wait a minute. Is my significant other looking at that person and they're like, do they think they're hot? Like this or that? It's natural to think that stuff. It's natural to think every once in a while, wait a minute, are they cheating on me? But it's a whole nother situation to bring it up and to cause a fight over it and to get super upset over it. There have been so many times when I've been feeling really insecure just about myself and it's projected onto my relationship and I've had times where I've been like, I know my boyfriend's cheating on me. Like, he has to be because I'm such a piece of shit. Like, there's no way he's not, you know, because I hate myself so much that he must be cheating on me. But I don't bring it up to him, okay? Why? Because it's not rooted in any reality. It's only rooted in my own insecurity. So why would I put him through unnecessary emotional turmoil just because I'm having my own weird mental battle? You know, it's hard not to bring it up, but it's better. Next, let's talk about talking shit behind your significant others back. I think that this can happen for two reasons. Number one, the relationship is actually pretty good, but someone feels almost bad about the fact that their relationship is going good. And so in attempt to be relatable socially, they just talk shit about their significant other and pick their significant other apart just to sort of be relatable. You know, nobody likes the person who comes in and is like, oh, my relationships are perfect. You know, that's not as appealing, I guess, socially. Like, that's kind of a hard thing to say sometimes. Oh, yeah, my relationships are really good. If you're somebody who's more humble by nature, you might feel like you have to talk shit about your significant other in order to remain relatable in social situations. Or it could also mean that the relationship just is actually shitty, and you just need to vent about it. And if you're talking shit about your significant other behind their back constantly, that's a good sign that that's not your person. Because I found that when you cherish a relationship, you won't want to talk shit behind your significant others back because you respect the relationship so much that even when there's struggles, you don't want to talk shit about it because you respect the relationship. And so I think if you're constantly talking shit, it could be a sign that the relationship lacks a level of depth and that that person is not your person. Now let's talk about couples who flirt with other people in front of each other. This is just a jealousy game. And honestly, I don't think that this is a good sign because it's not respectful of your partner to go and flirt with other people in front of them. It's a sign of insecurity, you know, being in a relationship and flirting with other people in front of your significant other is putting your significant other in a vulnerable position, in embarrassing position. And that's just not right. I think it's a sign of personal insecurity and wanting to knock your significant other down a peg. Let's talk about couples who look through each other's phones. This to me is a major lack of trust and boundaries. I think if you need to be looking through your significant other's phone to sleep at night, there's a chance that you shouldn't be together because if you're worried about them cheating on you or talking shit about you or whatever, and you need to know, like you need to see it. That could be a sign that your partner is not trustworthy and that's not a good partner to have. Or it could be a sign that you need to do some work on yourself. You have severe trust issues from maybe a past relationship or your childhood or whatever it may be. And you need to work on learning how to trust people for their word because the truth is anyone could be lying to you at any given moment. But we need to have trust in people. And especially in our romantic partners, we need to have trust in them. And it's hard because sometimes we can't bear the fact that we don't know the truth. We don't know 100% for certain that our significant other isn't cheating on us at any given moment. But it's like that's the sacrifice you have to make, not knowing for sure, but trusting them anyway. And if they aren't trustworthy enough to you or if you don't have the capability to trust, then there's some work that needs to be done there. In my opinion, now let's talk about couples who kind of have an open relationship. Like they have three sums or four sums or five sums or I forget what it's called. But when like two couples switch and like hook up with each other, do you know what I'm saying? Let's talk about that. I think that this can be a sign that they kind of want to have their cake and eat it too. No, listen, I don't, I'm not judging. Like personally, I'm not interested in, you know, bringing other people into a monogamous relationship. Personally, for me, I don't think that that would work mentally. It's just not for me, but I don't judge anyone who does that. So I want to be clear. Like I'm not judging people who do do this. I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with them or wrong with anything. Everybody can do whatever the fuck they want. Okay, that is their thing and I'm never going to judge. But I think these types of relationships are fascinating because yeah, it feels like they want to have their cake and eat it too. They want to be in a committed relationship where they have that security, but they also want to have the freedom to go, you know, act on their sexual desires whenever they please. And I think the special part about a monogamous relationship is the fact that it requires discipline. It's not easy always to be monogamous. It's not easy to sacrifice your sexual desires that you might have about some hot person you see in the street. It's not easy to sacrifice that for one person. But I think that it adds value to the relationship because when you have to sacrifice something for a relationship, it means that that relationship is worth it. That it's giving you something valuable and it keeps the relationship in check when you are sacrificing something for the relationship. And I think it makes you look at the relationship more judgmentally in a good way. You know, every time you feel a temptation to sort of not be monogamous or something, you have to ask yourself, okay, wait a minute. Is this relationship worth this sacrifice? And having that constant reminder through sacrifice keeps the relationship in check and confirms the fact that the relationship is worth the sacrifice. You are much more likely to demand what you want from a relationship when you are making uncomfortable sacrifices for it. Whereas if you get to just have the comfort of relationship but you also get to go and have sort of sexual freedom with other people, is that sort of removing the checks and balances that come with monogamy? I don't know. Again, I've never experienced a relationship that's more open and so I can't speak to it from a personal level. This is just my assumption. And I'm super open to learning more about it. Like I'm curious about it. But I do think there's a chance that that is what's going on. But there also could be a chance that a couple who maybe is more open is just not sexually fulfilled by their relationship. Maybe they're not a good sexual match. They're a good emotional match, but they're not a good sexual match. And so they need to go elsewhere to be fulfilled sexually. And the interesting thing about relationships is that there really are two dimensions to it. There's like the physical dimension and then there's the emotional dimension. And I think in order to be in a monogamous relationship, there needs to be connection in both of those areas. And if there isn't a connection in one, there's a major imbalance. And I think at that point, it's like, well, maybe you shouldn't be together. It's like, that's something I'm very curious about. Next, let's talk about couples who alienate each other. Don't let each other have any other friends. Only hang out with each other. You know, lose their connection with their friends and their family and stuff like that after getting into a relationship. This can be a sign that you think so highly of your significant other that it's hard to find people who make you feel as good as your significant other makes you feel. But it can also be a sign that you and your significant other are jealous of anyone else who gets to experience your significant other. And so you alienate each other. Either way, it's not healthy. You can't pour your whole life and all of your fulfillment into your significant other. You can't make that their responsibility. You need to have friends outside of them. You need to have a life outside of them. Or else you'll just become dependent in a way that's toxic. And last but not least, let's talk about couples who constantly cheat on each other. This is kind of a mystery to me, to be honest, because I just have like a sensitivity to cheating because I personally am so loyal. It's like my main priority as a girlfriend in a relationship that is my number one priority is to be loyal, okay? Because I think that that is the most important thing and it's the most valuable thing. And it's the thing that proves my love the most. And so the thought of somebody not returning the favor is like unthinkable for me. So the idea of a couple who cheat on each other all the time, I'm like, what are y'all doing? I just, I can't even fathom it. But I think that it's kind of similar to couples who are constantly bickering and fighting, but stay together. It's like the drama of it all is sort of a distraction from other issues in life. You know, this sort of drama and mental stimulation is addicting. But it can also be a sign that both members of their relationship are just so insecure that they're just constantly trying to feel like they're in the power position in the relationship. By cheating and putting the other person in a vulnerable situation where they're the one being cheated on. And it's this just never ending cycle where they're so insecure that they can't leave each other. But they're also so insecure that they can't be loyal to each other because they need validation from elsewhere. And they need to feel like they're in the power position and it's a never ending cycle. Anyway, I'm exhausted. There's something about analyzing people that is so exhausting. It's so fun and interesting, but it also genuinely makes my brain so tired. So I'm gonna go take a little nap. But thank you all for listening and hanging out. Let me know what you think about everything we discussed today. You can tweet me at AG Podcast, send me a little DM on Instagram and anything goes. Let me know what you think. As always, such a pleasure hanging out with you this week. I love and appreciate all of you so very much. And until next week, talk to you later.