Monday Morning Podcast

Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports and the Illuminati.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23

Monday Morning Podcast 5-22-23

Mon, 22 May 2023 23:00

Bill rambles about NBA playoffs, going to a wedding, and 'civil-ware'.

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Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast. From Monday, May 22nd, 2023, what's going on? And how are you? And how are you doing? And how are you feeling? And what do you think about your candidates' chances for the 2024 election? Oh, Jesus. Can you believe it's fucking already going around again? Then we just fucking do this. God, people are fucking gonna get all ramped up for that. Can both sides agree that the last time we did this, it was the two worst fucking choices ever. Going head to head. My God. Okay, what do you like? Reality show or dementia? Anything's better than reality show. Anyway, yeah, the amount of stupidity on the internet. So let me try to say there were no wars when Trump was president. It's like if a war just keeps going, if it just at what point does it just not, it's not even a war anymore. It's not even a war. Oh, yeah, the fucking we're bankrupt because Joe Biden's been president for four years. It says nothing to do with the Federal Reserve. Anyway, I say this all the time, but nobody gives a fuck. Let's plow ahead here. How about your Los Angeles Lakers and your Boston Celtics once again on a collision course to meet in the NBA finals? All right. Yeah, they're both getting their fucking asses kicked by better teams, better organizations. That's basically what is happening. And you know what's funny? It's great to see that Denver Nuggets are gonna make the NBA finals, right? And the Miami Heat are gonna go back. And my buddy goes like, he goes to finals is gonna be the fucking nuggets in the heat. Who the fuck's gonna watch that? It's like, why wouldn't you watch it? They're obviously the two best teams because you know what it is? The NBA sold their soul to the fucking super team. So now like people literally have it in their head that only certain franchises deserve to go there. As much as I hate watching the Celtics get stomped, you know, I'm fucking nervous about that Miami Heat team, but it's, I'll take that to watch the Lakers get stomped with yet again superstar players from other people's teams. You know, I just don't fucking, that fucking franchise just represents, you know, not all the way back. Now the way back, I give it up to 100% right through fucking Magic Johnson and all that. It's amazing. And I also give it up to them that they know how to play the free agency game, but this fucking bullshit of like, you know, it's business, location, location, location. All these guys wanna go out to Hollywood and bang movie stars. So they're gonna go to your fucking team at, I don't know. It's like trying to keep up with the rich kid down the street and his dad keeps buying my new fucking Ferrari. I don't, I don't know. You know it's another fucking thing that, this is gonna be, I'm gonna be a little grumpy old man here. If I see another fucking nobody, like who the fuck is this guy? What have you ever done with your fucking life? You know, making some fucking video giving out life advice. It's like who are you? Okay, now film it in black and white and then put like, I'm saying, you know, important shit music. I think if you're giving out really good life advice, you don't have to hire a musician or you don't have to go buy music, you know, you don't have to score your opinion with some John Williams music. Can you just say something that really made sense? I saw this guy the other day, all right, I'm giving you some most important life advice you're ever gonna hear in your life. Don't do dumb shit. That's all the guy had. Don't do dumb shit. And it's in black and white and all these choppy fucking edits and they play and this fucking music underneath it, you're like, oh, wow, man. Oh, I was gonna go out today and do dumb shit. Then they hide, I know it's so simple. Really sit there and think about it. Don't do dumb shit. Oh, thank you. Thank you. What else have you figured out? I'm gonna give you guys some great advice. All right, here's the deal. Don't take your tongue and stick it in a wall socket. All right, think about that. Put some ominous music underneath that. I'm gonna give you guys some life advice. All right. This may sound simple, but this is one of the most important pieces of advice you're ever gonna get. Don't take your dick out at work. And then I just need someone who's listening to me to act like they're blown away, but that's powerful. So, then I saw this other podcast, where these two people are talking about Kobe Bryant as if there's a bunch of people out there claiming he wasn't a great basketball player. They paid millions of dollars to go all around the world to try and find the top talent in the world to try and stop Kobe Bryant yet the man still scores 81 points in an NBA basketball game. It's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were all aware of that. You've introduced no new information. Hahaha. That's what, Edna, that's the party Instagram, mom. You know, I fucking, for some reason, every day somebody has to tell me, and my feed is somebody telling me, LeBron is the greatest basketball player in the world ever, or he isn't, or Michael Jordan is, or he isn't. I get those, I get old truck videos, and booty models. I'm sorry, women working out. Hahaha. I'm fucking working out. It is funny how like everybody has to dress like a fucking, a horrid power ranger now when they work out, it seems. I do feel bad for young people now where everything is an outfit. You can't just get on a bicycle. You know, back in the day, you just got on your bike and you wrote it. Like, what is your bike riding outfit? Whatever I put on this morning? Now, if you actually ride a bicycle down the street where I'm just regular street clothes, people think you're a convicted drunk driver. That's what I always think. If I see a guy in jeans in a t-shirt, just riding a bicycle down the street, you know, that's what I think. He's divorced, convicted drunk driver. I know, he's got the shakes, so he won't let him drive a car, I don't fucking know, right? But if I see somebody, you know, dressed up like they're in the Tour de France, I just go, oh, that guy's a douche. Hahaha. Why do they wear those stupid fucking outfits when they're riding their bicycles? I just don't understand, like, you're not in a time trial. Like, why do you waste all that fucking money? That my favorite thing ever is you get those stupid shoes and then you lock your feet into the fucking pedals. Hahaha. You know what, so you can get that extra edge when you're driving down fucking Main Street? Yeah, I don't, you know, the overhead, just the fucking overhead of being a person now. We, you know, smartphones, laptops, and then these fucking outfits for everything that you do. You know, when I was growing up, people just dressed like Malcolm Young and they did whatever they were doing. I'm not saying it was better, I'm just saying it was cheaper. Hahaha. I'm sure we weren't riding bicycles as fast. Um, I don't ever remember my looser clothing getting caught in like the fucking Nautilus equipment. Maybe that's what happened. You know, if you were in a factory, you know, they always made you, if you had a ponytail, you put your fucking hair up, you know, loose clothing because you get dragged into the machine. Um, whatever. I'm making fun of it as I look at these fucking women like wearing these skin type fucking clothes. And dress up. Well, you know, maybe that's what it's stuff. Maybe I think actually when I think about it, I kind of started in my generation, the Spandex shit was, was the 80s. I mean, I've ever seen in living color opened up for the rolling stones in the steel wheels tour. And their lead singer was dressed like he was going to go spear fishing and nobody questioned it. It was like bright yellow. Hahaha. He had everything but like flippers, a snorkel on. And then I remember I worked in a warehouse and there was this guy worked the, I worked the second shift. It was like fucking two to 11 or three to midnight. I forget what it was. That was all drug addicts and divorcees. I do remember that in war veterans. And then shit heads like me. Um, yeah, like my manager at night was in, was fought in the Vietnam war. And he was, was right on the DMZ and he had one of those anti-aircraft guns. You know, that almost go like the rock and sock on robots. And he had it pointed horizontally at the tree line. That was his job. And to this day, I have never met a person that could drink at the pace that that guy drank. And he would drink beer too. He wasn't even a hard stuff guy. He would drink beer. And you would go out with that guy. And he would hand you one and you'd get about a third of the way down. And you'd have, hand you the second one. And like, you know, you'd be like holding like a six pack of butt bottles. And you'd be going, Frank, dude, you got it. You got a fucking hit. Get it slow down here. And he would just laugh. You'd be smoking these fucking cigarettes non-stop. There's no fucking way that guy's still alive. No fucking way. So rest in peace to him. But anyways, there was somebody that worked that worked on that shift. And he would show up every day with spandex shorts on. And like no, no other like running shorts over him, just like his junk shape with shape with junk shape. Where is what he went? Remember that fucking tour? Guns in roses did, an axle rose, row of the fucking white bike shorts the whole time. Nobody questioned it. You know, looking like a superhero at the end of the day. Like he took off his fucking spider man shirt. I don't know what I'm talking about. All I know is I'm excited that the Denver Nuggets are beating the fucking shit out of the Los Angeles Lakers. But I'm not excited watching myself excel. Jesus Christ. I miscame one. My buddy said they scored like 41 points. The he did 41 points in the third quarter. And we called no timeouts. I think that's our strategy. I think we're saving them up for game four. And we're going to start using those. And we're going to turn this whole goddamn series around. Anyway, oh yeah. Here's my friends complaining. The Celtics have two pipins and no Jordans. I mean, last night, I checked Scotty Pippin had fucking, what do you have? Six? Yeah. Six ranks. It's an integral part. Nobody has a Jordan on their team right now. Jordan is Jordan. Right? That's it. It's not going to be another one of those. It's not going to be another Kobe. I don't think it's going to be another LeBron. They're just, you know, just enjoy them. Step fucking comparing them. Dude, fucking mega dad's better than me. Tal, come in. The fucking heavier. I like the subject man. Dude, biggie smalls. He's better than two pockets. Fucking just enjoy him. Young talented cunts. The number one people who argue about whether LeBron is better than Michael Jordan probably can't hit a layup. I would guess. You know what I mean? Although I've trashed. I've trashed. I've trashed. I'm your fucking athletes, haven't I? Maybe that's a part of it. I don't fucking know. It's funny how I keep making these statements and then it just goes back to either me or my generation. Oh yeah, we kind of did shit like that. Actually my generation I think is when dressing like you were in the Tour de France started. But like everybody didn't do it. You know? We got these fucking, you know, the wicks away the sweat off your body. Bill, what are you bitching about? Improvements? I don't know, maybe. I have no idea, so anyway I've been away for the last four days with my lovely wife. We came up here a little bit early in wine country. We went to a wedding, a very close friends and a beautiful wedding. Quick wedding, succinct wedding. That's like the new thing man. They used to, when I was a kid, the goddamn fucking wedding. You'd go there, if it was a Catholic wedding, they'd have a whole fucking mass. For the first time I went to a wedding and they had a mass before they got married. Oh god, I was fucking livid. I'm standing in the back like this means I don't have to go again on Sunday, right? This counts. This is a friendly. Get a whole fucking mass and by the end of it I hated the couple. I was like, why would you do this to people? There was no fucking air conditioning when there's old ass goddamn church. Oh, you know, but I will say in Massachusetts, the greatest thing about the weddings in Massachusetts is the open bar. Everyone you went to, fucking open bar, people getting blitzed, falling down. Man, it was just a shit show. Looking like a fucking prom for old people. Anyway, so we've been up here in wine country and a couple of buddies of mine up here. They're both married too. They brought their wives up. There was a cigar bar. The ladies went to go down and go, you don't drink the wine. Do the wine tasting as they call it. Does anybody dance around their alcoholism more than a wine drinker? You know what I mean? They sort of like, they like the cigar smokers of drinkers where cigar smokers are like, yeah, but I'm not inhaling. I'm not inhaling. It's not bad. Like, yeah, someone's so smoked like six cigars a day, his whole fucking life. People that drink wine are the same way. They're so busy talking about the body of the wine, the smell, the different, you know, whatever the fuck it is. California has more of a jammy wine because it's hotter. So get that jammy flavor. Now, some people like it. Other people don't. If you want the drier ones, you gotta go, it's like, yeah, if I could intervene, you guys are just getting wasted, all right? It's really, I mean, I understand. I enjoyed wine back when I drank, but I will tell you this. I will, I'll give you guys some life advice, okay? This may sound simple. All right, there is no hangover worse than a red wine hangover. There's no advice there, but if you put music underneath it, a little sound fucking, like I said, something. I just remember doing, I remember that drinking red wine in the next day, waking up like my head was in a fight. I don't know what it was. Beer was one thing. That's one great thing about not drinking. You know, it's not how you feel physically. It's really just not having to apologize or be embarrassed to be, oh, God. Oh, Jesus, I take my shirt off. Oh, yeah, other people were taking this. You know, he tried to fucking justify it the next day. Other people would drink into maybe they don't remember. Then it's 11.30 in the morning and you still haven't gotten a text message. Then you start putting feelers out like, hey, that's pretty banged up. I don't even remember like past like 10 o'clock. You always do that. You give yourself a two hour cushion before whatever fucking thing you did. Dude, where did we go after? Did we go after that second bar? I don't even remember. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. You 100% remember what you did or what you said. And now what you're doing is you're trying to see if the person you did it to remembers. I mean, well, that wasn't even me. I don't, I don't even know. So anyway, coming back today and we were up here in Paso, Robles, beautiful part of California. You know, most people around the country shit on California because they're not happy with their own lives. And that's what you do. Oh, I live over here. You live over there. You'll play sucks. My place is better. The wine country out here is fucking amazing. It really is amazing. I can't believe I never do this. This place is like a, you know, couple, two, three hour drive up from Los Angeles. I was saying to my wife, like, why don't we do this more? Oh, that's right. We have kids. But I think if they get just a little bit older, we'll be able to come up here and they won't be bored shitless. And I just like coming up here and getting away from the traffic, although they were saying that they've been, last couple of years, it's kind of blowing up up here. That always happens, you know? Can a sleepy town just stay a sleepy town? That's why I was thought Doug Stanhope figured it out. Doug Stanhope figured it out, like, I don't know how many years ago. You've been out and living in the middle of nowhere for like 20 years. The piece of that must be amazing. And then to be like, also pick a place that then eventually doesn't get like overdeveloped. You have to go way, you have to like go three layers in to small town. You know what I mean? Look at all these fucking people are moving to Nashville, Tennessee. So you know what's going to happen? Eventually people are like, I can't fucking deal with this. They're going to go to Knoxville. They're going to go to Chattanooga or they're going to go to fucking Memphis. But eventually one of those places, all of those places are going to fill up. So you got to find that place that's like going to be three generations away from blowing up if you actually want peace and quiet and not have traffic. But then the problem is you got to hear the N word. There's always a price to pay. Maybe not that. But they're going to be like, you know, middle and nowhere people. You'd think the internet, the internet would put, like, maybe that's helping things a little bit. Because that was the only thing. You live in the middle of nowhere and then the world view is middle of nowhere. So you got to deal with that chicken little fucking sky is falling. Shit. Oh God, I had this fucking creepy guy come up to me the other day. I was working on something. And he was like, he's like, hey man, he goes, he had a shady vibe. He was just, you're all right. I like you. You know, one of those psycho lefties. So I looked at him and I go, yeah, I'm also not one of those psycho righties. And he goes, yeah, yeah, that's it. You know, everybody just get along. What happened to that? It's like when was that? Was there a time when everyone was getting along? Yeah, he's fucking politically active, fucking idiots. On both sides, fucking drive me up the wall. All right. Energy is a little low people. I'm not going to lie to you. All right. Wedding was last night. You know, the deal. It's just fucking, you know, you get to be my age. It just takes a lot out of you. You know, you find yourself more and more sitting down. Hey, how you doing? You know what was cool was, oh, I'm sorry. The wedding was too nice to go. Yesterday they had like a brunch afterward. And me and Nioh were hanging out. They had the brunch down by the pool. And the groom's brother's daughter, who was nine years old, was sort of hanging out nearest, talking to us. And she was absolutely hilarious. And it was really cool as a parent. Oh my God, that's what a nine year old girl is like. That's going to be awesome when my daughter gets to be nine. Because I'm already kind of freaking out because my daughter is already six. And you're like, oh my God, it's going by so fast. And thought of that, I've done, you know. And this is that dread you have as a parent, I think, where you just start going, what is the age where my kids going to start hating me? You know, because obviously I started super late. And there's a few, like, they're actually friends of mine. Like their kids don't hate them. And they're in their teenage years. And then I'm being like fucking lunatics and that type of stuff. Like pretty much when I go on the road, that's like the number one thing that people tell me. So happy you have kids. Hey, enjoy them while they're young before they get older and turn into fucking assholes. Like people say that about their own kids. I'm like, Jesus, before they turn into fucking assholes, you're saying about that about your own kid? I don't know. Hopefully I'm old enough and wise enough to not take any of that shit personally. Probably wouldn't have been as good at it 10 years ago, forget about 20 years ago. So we'll see. But as of right now, everything's been going good, moving right along. And it's time for the reads. But for some reason, they're not loading. Why aren't the reads the advertising reads load? Oh, here we go. Loading, loading, loading. This happens to be all the fucking time. Like it just stops refreshing. Like, oh, have I really not gotten a fucking email since May 14th? All right, I gotta stop this thing and figure this bullshit up. All right, no freckles is back. I'm on the road here for here, little road noise. And who else is here? Look what is. The lovely Mia. Hello. Oh, hello. Oh, hello, you know what's a pro traveling trip? A pro traveling trip? That I always forget. Tip. What do I say? A pro traveling trip is what you said. You meant pro traveling. Tip. That's what I meant. Is before you leave is to pack a roll of four-ply toilet paper, like the toilet paper that you use in your house, because I don't care how nice a hotel you stay at. They all got that one-ply see-through shit. Listen, they got a lot of overhead, so something has to get sacrificed. And unfortunately for you, it's your asshole. So I'm saying, two days in a four-star hotel, if you don't bring four-ply toilet paper, your asshole's gonna feel like it fell off a skateboard. Yeah, you really wanted to go to the drug store. You're like, I want to go pick up some toilet paper. I've been on the road long enough. Are you just, is that going to be a thing that you think that you travel with? Or maybe it's like, oh, in your rider from now on? It's one of those things. Whatever hotel he's in. It's one of those things since I've been doing the road since the 90s. I say to myself, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to treat myself in my asshole when I'm on the road, and I never do it. And I always come in there, and you try to wad it up as much as you can to try to make a one-ply, a two-ply, and it is it. You know what I mean? It's just, isn't it? You know, people you can do a makeover on. They can go to the gym, they can do all this stuff, they can put makeup on them, but one ply is one ply. Look at that. Look at that. Nid, some dust devils. Oh, look at that. They're out here in Bakersfield. Wow. Yeah, that's right. Oh, no, there's a tractor. Oh, tractor, sorry. It's a tractor pulling. Well, you couldn't see him. Look how beautiful this all is, though. The scenery that we're driving past is absolutely gorgeous. And if this was a video podcast, we could show it to you. But it isn't. It isn't. It's not a vlog. It's not a vlog. But no, this is the part of California, the wine country, in between San Francisco and Los Angeles that nobody talks about, right? All they talk about. Bunch of lip tards and Hollywood and then Harvey Milkup and San Francisco only, and they think that that's Jesus. Yeah. On the road again. On the road again. Scariest sound ever in the back of a fan. We're OK. No, no, this is a scariest sound when you start to sleep. When you start to sleep, you just hear, that's the scary like he's on the shoulder. He's a f-. What's with these vignettes? The vignettes. So honey and jam. Oh. Honey and jam. All right. Well, with that, we got to do some reads here for the week. A little bit of advertising here. Is this still fucking recording? It is. It is still recording. OK. Oh, you know what? I didn't, I wasn't supposed to at the top of the podcast, but I didn't have the information yet. Is oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Billy Eurostep. Eurostep? Yeah. Eurostep. That's a new thing in basketball. OK. Used to be called traveling. But over in Europe, they invented a new way to travel. And you know, we always like low-key think that Europeans do stuff a little bit better. It makes you feel plan. Actually, I would argue that the original Eurostep was created by the original skateboarders back in the 1970s, Generation X. That was the precursor to the Eurostep. And that would be back when we had the original skateboards that were, they basically, Jesus Christ. Didn't James Dean die up here? Um, the original skateboards were like so thin, like even as a kid, like basically the arch of your foot was on the board. And you had your heels and your, you know, from the ball, you fucking, all the up to your toes was hanging off. So you get the wobbles really quick. The first thing you did was you found the wobbles. The wobbles? You start, yeah, like a tank slap, as they say, in motorcycle. But this is just with your fucking ankles. So you'd be going down the hill and you didn't realize with the technology back then. All that took was one little pebble, one little stick, just the ID, a leaf would just stop your fucking skateboard. You probably going like 30 miles an hour, you didn't know to crouch down. We were like the gold tenders back then. This is pretty power trick. Why? Nobody went down to the butterfly, even on skateboards. And you would just be standing straight up and down like fucking Jerry Chivas. And you think in your head, the first time you'd just be like, oh, I'll just step off this thing and I'll be fine. And you would just do this giant step and you'd go flying. But are you lost interest halfway through? Yeah, I mean, can we just get back to what a Eurostepper is? Eurostepper is? Eurostepper. It's like this big step where you don't dribble. Oh, but so they don't call it. They don't call it so it's called a Eurostepper. What? Who is calling it that? Well, listen, some of the best players are from Europe and they wanted to make them feel welcome. So we'll, it's like, we'll allow that. I think you have to be European or LeBron James to get away with it though. All right, I got European dates coming up. All right, they're on sale, baby. September 4th, I'm going to be in Prague, Czech Republic, at the Prague Congress Center. And I'll tell you right now, nothing says stand up comedy. Like the Prague Congress Center. I think I'm going to be at a podium talking about the threat of Russia coming back to Eastern Europe. I'm going to be able to put it somewhere to get arrested in Prague. Yeah. That's pretty cool in Prague. I've only been there for about 36 hours and I had a great time before. All right, September 6th, once Berlin, Germany, at the Mercedes-Benz Arena. You like that? Oh, freckles. Freckles goes back to the motherland and those people show up. That's right. September 7th. There is going to be an audience full of men that look just like... Not only Boris Becker shows up. September 7th. I'm going Stockholm, Sweden. Oh. Our old stomping, around. That was pretty cool. Okay, one of the first times that Bill and I traveled internationally together when we're still dating, which I always say. Not including New Hampshire. Go ahead. No, we don't include our first New Hampshire. Our first trip together to New Hampshire. New Hampshire. It's a lake in New Hampshire. Hey, I was struggling back then. That was some big money moves when I was on my food talk. I was in the captain's lodge. I sprung for the captain's lodge. You sure did. I was very impressed. I was very impressed of how you worked out. It was a fun weekend. Well, it was fun. But Stockholm was one of the first cities internationally that Bill and I traveled together and I had, was working at MTV, I had left MTV and I always say that if I was still working that job, I would not have been able to travel with you as much as we did. We literally went all around the world together before we were even engaged. We did. Yeah, we did. We did all those cities together. Yeah, when we flew around the world and I did that Asia trip. Yep. So anyway, Stockholm, Sweden, September 7th, albeit the Avicide Arena, September 8th. Oh my god, these guys, there's one of the best overseas comedy cities I have ever been to. Where? Budapest, Hungary. I'm so jealous. I'm not going to be able to go on any of these. This is going to be awesome. Well, yeah. I mean, lots of pictures. I'm at the Budapest Congress Center. This is like their funny bones. This is their funny bones. I'm working all of them. I did last time I did Budapest. I had a show. I was like, I should have shot that and put it out as a special. They got everything. And then September 11th, never forget, I'll be in Athens, Greece at the Odeon of Herc, that is so... I'm playing a ruin. Okay, in the rest of it's going to fall down after my shit jokes. All right, so there you go. One more time. September 4th at Prague, September 6th, Berlin, Germany, September 7th, Stockholm, Sweden, September 8th, Budapest, Hungary. Oh, Jesus. Fucking hitin' the fucking whoopty-dos here. September 11th in Athens, Greece. And if you think I'm not bringing the original Greek freak, Paul Versailles on that trip, you got another thing coming. And Prague's only, beyond the Christavile, is going to be on that trip. It's going to be sick. All right, and with that, let's do the reads for the week, Nia. The reads... Oh, no, wait, I got to do the live reads. Hang on a second. I already did the new dates. Okay, the pre-sale for all of that's going to be... Sorry, it's going to be Wednesday, May 17th, 10am local. Oh, wait, this is something else. That's last week. Is that last week? Yeah, ignore what I just said. With a fucksy advertising. Great emails. I don't think I have any ad reads. Not cheese, I'm pissing them all off then, Nia. All right, we're going to go right to the content here. Nia, you're still here with me. Be back, you're back, and you're fun. I know because you were building your new dates on Saturday. Okay, check out for us. Okay, all right. Billy Joel Joke. Hello, my ginger guru, Billy Bunghole. Long time first time. In the May 16th podcast, as you promoted your new dates, you got into a riff of Alan Town, Pennsylvania, and an attempt at levity suggested the town sounded like a Billy Joel... Should sounded like Billy Joel should write a song about it. Thing is, he did record a song called Alan Town. Now that you said that, I remember that. Something, something, and Alan Town, isn't it? That's not. That's not, didn't that sound like a hit? It's the lead track on Joel's 1982 album, The Nylon Curt. It's a good name for an album. A company by a conceptual music video. Upon its release, and especially in subsequent years, Alan Town emerged as an anthem of blue collar America, representing both the aspiration and frustrations of America's working class in the late 20th century. How about that? Anyway, the red-headed brain is a funny thing, right? Thanks for all the laughs, and go fuck yourself. Jersey too. That's hilarious. Now that's just more me being old going like, hey, Billy Joel should write a song about it. It's like he did. That's the California aqueduct. She keep missing it. That's all they... What should it be? What did it have to be like? Several miles back. What, my point of being pressed? I didn't I not say to you as in Chinatown. Remember that whole combo? And you were like, yeah. And then we talked from there. I guess so. I think I have fond memories of that. All right, oh, Jesus, somebody's going to take me to task about the Federal Reserve. I have to take a picture of this. Oh, what? Oh. Yes, that's awesome. That truck stop? No. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right now we're on the five just entering the hills before we come to the back of the San Gabriel's and go through New Hall past there near. And then we're back into the L.A. basin, also known as the Valley. Back home, baby. All right, well, I'm going to continue reading here. All right. What? All right, the Federal Reserve. They billy effin' con face. Jesus. Don't you love the love I get from my listeners? Let me explain you reasons the Fed is still here. Because I keep saying instead of blaming blue ties and red ties, why doesn't the President just send half a platoon over to those Habitat Dash constant just say this shit is over? Right? He said, is the reason the Fed is still here? And we can't march in there because it's a separate country. Yeah, well, since when is that stop this? Don't we just start a coalition of the willing? Yeah, it's owned by Britain. I thought we freed ourselves from those cons. The District of Columbia is a fortress. That's why it's not a state. Constensively, did I say that right, an act of war needs to be approved first. They're just here to collect our money. Haven't you ever wondered why we have a state that isn't a state? Well, what I was told in my history class is the reason why the District of Columbia was called a district and was not put in any state is because they didn't want to get any of the other states getting jealous going, well, how come the capital of the country is there and nowhere else? That's what I was told. You're just going to be on the other side of the van to eat snacks, Nea? Well, I don't know what to get to into that one. Well, listen, I remember back before we got to that mess in the Middle East when we said we were going to go into Iraq, nobody came along with us, meaning NATO. And then we just created our own board. So this is not new territory for us. All right, I'm not a revolutionary. I'm just fucking bringing up, you know, I'm just saying you got, I don't understand why fucking men's warehouse has a stranglehold on this fucking country. And we're acting like we don't have nerds with drones. They could fucking, you know, turn a lot of things around for people. Anyway. All right, are we going over the woopty dooms again? They have a Pepsi here. Do you drink Pepsi? I refuse. Really? Categorically refuse to drink Pepsi. You can take Pepsi, you can take your gray goose. Gray goose too? That's all for weak people. Gray goose is for weak people. Let me tell you, if you want somebody solid, they got to drink something like Belvedere Vodka. Wow, okay. What about kind of one? Kind of one's old school. I'll go with that. I don't have to hear their worldview first. I don't know. Kettle one, the strobe, the a, the strobe. Gray goose is for fucking people. I just, I don't want to, I want to drink alcohol, but not drink alcohol. It's like, it's smooth enough. And then they, for fucking, they put it in with coolate. I used to. It's a good mixer. I think that's why they always bring the goose at the club with the mixers. Because it just mixes in the goose. The goose, you want to, you want to round the block a few times, huh? Lay them on the goose. Lay them on the goose. Not to feel the mousse. Shout out to Jamie Foxx. All right. I like the, uh, Jamie Foxx. Yes. Get well soon. I keep hearing good things about it, though. It just makes me, uh, very happy. Absolutely. Arguably the most talented guy since Eddie Murphy, maybe. Ridiculous. I don't know. Um, all right. So, plowing ahead here. What the fuck was I talking about before I got up? Did I tell you that I used plow ahead when I did that Michelin gig in Miami? You did. It works great, right? It does. Yeah, whatever just happened didn't go the way you planned. Yeah, I said, can we just plow ahead and I just was going plow ahead, plow ahead. Proud game with you, right? They came with me. Well, that's how most people said on stage. I was like, that's my husband's say. I totally saw that from him. Yeah. I'm not good at stopping and going back and getting it right. I'm good at plow forward. I plow ahead. Yep. And then when my sins from the past catch up with me, I respond with anger. That's a really good summation. Yeah, I was going to say that sounded pretty much like Jesus could count the wrinkles on that trucker's face. I love this real time adventure that people are getting. As it is. Writing in the back of the van. Writing in the back of the van. That's the ponderosi. All right. Yeah. So, what else do I think is bullshit? I think Doritos of bullshit. Doritos? Doritos. Doritos. I remember a long time Keith Robinson told me all of them. They just never beat Fritos. Fritos are better. This is what I, this is my feeling. Okay. Long time ago, a wise, mean old man named Keith Robinson. He told me there's two kinds of black people. He goes, there's earth-winden, fire black people, and then there's hip-hop black people. There was a line in the sand with the generations. Yes, they went in different directions. And I would say in white people world. Oh, no. There's Fritos white people. And then there's Doritos. And much like hip-hop, Doritos laid waste to the Fritos, the Frito world that I lived in. Bill, can I be honest with you when it comes to Fritos? I know how much you love Fritos. The only time anyone eats Fritos is with chili. It's not like a snacking chip. You like it as a snacking chip. Who does? You. But Doritos hands down as more of a sense. Can I tell you something right now? It's chili. The chili Fritos are good though. I'll tell you this right. Yeah, how much more shit do you need to put in your chili before you realize you need to season it more? If I got to put Fritos in my chili, you didn't make it right. Oh, it just says like a little different thing. No, you think you should just be like taking... Fritos, no Fritos. Fritos are the PDs of chili. Performance enhancing drugs. Meaning you shouldn't be in the league, but you get in there, you know, you're going, you know. Haven't you got a Frito pie? I'll tell you right now, Barry Bonds pre-1997 did not need to put Fritos in his chili, but because guys like Sosa and Maguire started putting Fritos in their chili, he then goes, all right, here's my chili, but Fritos. And now somehow he became the bad guy. Everything has a sports reference with you. I'm a limited guy. Literally everything. I mean, you're unlimited in your knowledge of sports. It seems like you're limited. This is Nia trying to save an insult. She just threw across the table. I'm holding out a reference, but everything is like a sports one. It's just kind of wild to me. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? It's just kind of wild to me. You know, when that was such a passive aggressive. I guess it is mostly like sports reference. It'll be like that time. McGregor was in the ninth at the top of the... I don't even know. That was going good. That was a good name. I was like McGregor. McGregor. Who the fuck is it? Call him. Call him a Gregor. Now you got my brain all fucking confused. All right. No, I was just going to do. That's one for the wife. Sometimes she just lay it off the rest of the fucking table. All right. Let's get back to this here. I'm going to get back. You're in your Fritos. So you feel like you're either a Fritos person or a Geritos person? Fritos, like the rest. Ah, well, it's wrong with Prankles. I'm just an old guy. I stacked them up neatly like a deck of cats. Yeah, who likes Prankles anymore? Sorry, Prankles, but I feel like the flavored ones. The flavored ones, like the sour cream and onion ones. Or the cheddar sour cream. I don't like the remix on all of this shit. You like the plainish shit. You don't like the plainish shit. Fritos, plain. Who likes plain? What are you just talking about? Oreos, pretzel, M&Ms, all of them within 9,000 ranch. Pringle. Fucking flavors. The kids like flavor. Huh? Flavor is good, though. Who gets plain Prankles? You're the only one that's good. A Spresso flavored Doritos. You're the only one that can eat those off of the hotel many bars. What's that? When they give you the short little thing of Pringles, you demolish those every time. I think demolish is kind of a strong word. I would have gone more with enjoy. Enjoy. 40 in a whack? I don't know. Well, I've always maintained that you eat like a panda eating some of that bok choy. My wife can be a smacker when she's really hungry. I'm savoring every more things. Is that what you call it? Yep. I thought it was bad manners. All right. I'm kidding. All right. Food dish for sluts. What is this? OK. Now I'm paying attention. No, I always say do tell. All right. Food dish for sluts. I was talking about somehow I said, whore food. I don't even know why. See, it's not all sports references. Oh, sometimes it's about whore food. Yeah. I was saying like, what would that look like? Oh, because they all like those cooking shows. You know what I mean? They always have to have the wholesome girl. But underneath, she's letting you know that she's an animal in the wreck. And what ladies are this? I can talk about it. I don't know what you're trying to say. I don't watch the food network. I'm just guessing over here. All right. Food dish for sluts. So I was saying what would whore food look like? Dear Billy Buffet, belly burr. On Monday's show, you were joking that there's no dishes for sluts. Oh, wait. The driver is just. Yes. Oh, what's that? OK, beautiful. All right. Just got the O'Leah Tia there. Hour and six minutes, all right. OK, on Monday's show, you were joking that there's no dishes for sluts. Spaghetti, a la Putanesca, loosely translate to whore's spaghetti. Really? I mean, this guy could be lion. I don't know. I left to ask Dom Lombardosee. While the etymology is debated, one possible origin is that this was a dish served to paste patrons at the Bordeaux. Another possible origin is that it was a dish created near closing time at a restaurant where the chef made a sauce with whatever limited ingredients he had left, even though Poutine literally means whore. But Poutine, Italians use it for multiple curse words. So Putanesca could mean something along the lines of whatever shit was in the cupboard. I feel like I've heard them use that on the sopranos. All right. Well, God knows that the sopranos said it. That's good enough for me. Anyway, I prefer the first possible origin for the dish, all the best, and go fuck yourself. PS and email on Monday mentioned call signs. The one given to me is puddles. But what you land on lakes, but traditionally, you only share the origin of the name after a few adult beverages. Oh, God. I didn't want to know what that means. Does he like to get peed on? They call him old puddles. All right. His sayings that you get wrong. OK. All right, everybody. If you made the mistake of this next person, it's death nail, K-N-E-L-L, not death nail. He says, oh, Billy. One saying that I got wrong. I liked that this person could admit that they got it wrong. After I'd been saying any ways for the last 15 years, one saying that I got wrong until I saw it written was death nail. I thought it was death nail. I wouldn't have corrected you. I always thought it was the final nail in the coffin, a death nail. Yeah, well, that's what happens with these sayings, where it's the final nail in the coffin. And then death nail becomes death nail. He's not the brightest bulb to come down the pipe. Yeah. Who said that? It's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, or he's not the brightest bulb. He's not the brightest bulb, period. He's not the brightest bulb. Yeah. And he wants to judge it up. He's saying the Christmas tree. I guess, but. Oh, yeah, anti-Christmas. I didn't know that. But anyways, the guy says, yeah, it's not death nail. Oh, contraire, mon frair. It's death nail, meaning the ringing of a bell, marking the death of a person. And what is your next flip special coming out? Well, when I learn how to talk, probably, inquiring minds want to know. And you start going podcasts from the back of fans. Oh, you like that one, didn't you? You were really impressed. I know. Wasn't that good? It wasn't. Wasn't that bad. I mean, by editing anything the podcast, that might have gone. Oh, you did. All right. Civil wear. Mr. Bob the Bill Burr. Oh, this guy said, I said something pretty dumb once. My wife, girlfriend at the time, and I got out, and I asked her if she needed any civil wear. Civil wear. Civil wear. Well, he's a civil guy and civil people eat with utensils. She made me Google, sorry, going over bumps. She made me Google what I said. Google didn't even have a suggestion. I've been there when I'm trying to spell things like fun shway. It's looking at me like you are so far off. Yeah. That we got nothing. Yeah. Yeah, it starts coming up like what language are you trying to speak? Anyway, this person said, I was 26 when I realized forks and knives were called silverware. Fucking idiot. I think my New England accent made the word silverware more of a discivilware. Hey, why don't you, hey, what are we? Animals get some silverware over here. Jesus Christ. Have a little clash. I'm calling it civil wear. Civil wear. No, we can't do that because I remember when we started saying you liked it that. You liked it that. Remember we said that? This guy said in a particular thing that we were watching. Yes. You liked it that you liked it that. And then we started saying that to each other, you liked it that. And then one time I took a meeting with an agent in a critical part of my career. And I was talking about a movie. And I said, I liked it. I liked it. And I just saw the look on his face. He was like, oh my god. This guy is, I'm not representing him. Anyway, the guy says, I suppose that I never really needed to write the word. So it never came up. I also justified it in my head as you be civilized to use forks and knives. Yeah, unlike the barbarians that would use their hands, context like ancient cavemen, not looking down on anybody. No offense. Hashtag. I also know. I noted above that we got married. So people know you can walk things like this off. She likes to bring it up at all the gatherings. Oh my god. The one thing that she's got on you. Though, and he writes, though, T-O-U-G-H. T-O-U-G-S. Oh, did he miss that? No, I don't know. He got ha-ha, right. Be nice. I'm teasing him. Come on. I said I liked it. All right, let's read the last one here. And then we're going to wrap up the jam in the van, man. Oh, that was a COVID spot. The Monday morning. Jam in the van. Back of the van. Oh, jam in the van was the name of a show I was doing during COVID. I'll Santa Monica there. All right, advice. Bill, oh god, we got the lovely me out here. I'm a 33-year-old piece of shit millennial. You guys aren't pieces of shit. For some reason, you know what happened? Social media came out. And then Gen X got old. And then they blamed you for everything that us and baby boomers did. We're all fucking assholes. But you haven't read the rest of it. OK, that's my advice. All right, we'll see. That owns a plumbing company. Wow, there you go. 90% of my work is for high-end custom homes. This guy's crushing it for boomers. That I feel don't respect or trust me because of my age. Branded, I was a poor lazy millennial that didn't have a real job until I was 26 when I started plumbing. Well, it looks like you've been killing it since then. The guy goes on to say, I got my act together when I turned 30. And within three years, the age of Christ, did he die or get a hooker in 33? I can't remember. He was getting hookers way before that. Oh, yeah. You know those constraints. They work hard. They play hard. Oh, my God. Anyway. They watch my feet. All right. I got my act together when I turned 30, got married. And now have a nine-month-old son. Congratulations. I hope to get the business too. I'm always spared, honest, about by pricing. I'm not perfect. And when I do fuck up, I always fix it without question and always eat the cost on anything I miss. Dare I say the way you're hyping yourself, you sound like a dream plumber here. I've tried to hire multiple times, but hiring older than me, I get no respect. And hiring younger than me, they have no respect in general. I need a few employees. Oh, why don't you go to old zip recruiter? That's right, zip recruiter. Or get a mix. Get some older guys and some younger guys. And you have to be the fucking boss. That's the thing. You have to establish at the top. This is how it is. This is how it's going down. You've got to have that sense of strength and being a leader from the job side. Are you telling him in a plumbing sense to clap back? No. Damn it. I was wondering. I'm telling him to boss up. Boss up. I never get those expressions, right? But I didn't let you finish reading the things. OK. Well, here we go. I'm finishing here. I need a few unfloat employees, but I can't find the help I need because they think they can do what they want because of my age and the company not being around for very long. How can I start getting respect by these guys that have been in the construction business as long as I've been alive? You've got to remind them who's signing their fucking checks. I mean, that's what you've got to do. Yes. You've got to take them aside. You don't brow beat them. You just say, listen, I'm paying you to do a job here. Yep. And if you have a problem with that, then I'm going to find somebody else. All right. And then that's it. And then you let them look away. Don't let them stare you down. And then that's fucking it. And let me tell you something. You can find another plumber. And just know that if you're in business, every person you hire is not going to be the last person you hire. Some people are going to work. Some people aren't. It's like fucking dating. That's just how it is. All right. So you don't take any shit out there. All right. And if they really start talking shit to you, then you got to go jerky boys with a fucking ratchet. You don't take shit from the plumbers. You don't take shit from the customers. You don't take shit from your baby. That's right. All you do is plum shit. That's what you do. You get the shit out of the fucking toilet. But you don't take any shit from these people. That's right. All right. That's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves. And I'll check in on you on Thursday and the day. I had a great time with you. And it's great to have you back on the podcast. I missed it. All right.