Monday Morning Podcast

Bill Burr rants about relationship advice, sports and the Illuminati.

Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23

Monday Morning Podcast 3-13-23

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 20:02

Bill rambles about male manicures, seeing Stevie Nicks & Billy Joel, and the Faroe Islands.

ZipRecruiter: Try Zip Recruiter for free at

GameTime: Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BURR for $20 off your first purchase at

Listen to Episode

Copyright © 2023 All Things Comedy

Read Episode Transcript

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday Monday Monday Match 13th 2023 how are you? How is your march going? You know it's unlucky March 13th Doesn't have to be a Friday Why did that always happen Friday the 13th? Oh wait a minute was that cuz Jesus did Jesus get whacked on a Friday He did didn't he and then three days later he came back. No, what about a Monday? Saturday Sunday Monday Yeah, you got to do it on the weekend when people are around to see the rock rollback, right? You can't do it on a Monday. Everybody's at fucking work Although they had slaves back then so they probably never gave him a fucking day off So probably Monday didn't make a much of difference Did they go to church on Sunday before Jesus? What was going on? Didn't that was back when they like fucking had the tree God and the fucking grass God the sky God The God of the rains You know when God was more diversified You know and then all those pedophiles all got together and they'll like no no no there's only one God And we talked to him And Everybody was like yeah, and I'm not doing that shit and they go all right well then we're gonna fucking torture you to death You know cuz we're super religious and we're trying to say This is all old shit everybody's gone through this bill shut the fuck okay, sorry I don't know what why is Friday the 13th unlucky. I'm gonna say it was Jesus you know You know a bunch of great days. It seems as Buddha. There's really nothing like you know, he didn't have to fucking There's always something there's a drought You know There's always always something they always kind of went through something a boot is just What was you know he's a gamer Sitting on the couch This big belly heating some fucking Fritos or whatever Old-school Fritos back when it was real Fritos not this synthetic Fritos shit all right hang on a second why Is Friday What are your guests putting you got you have Friday the 13th brackets ready Friday the 13th unlucky here we go and the first answer Oh my god CNN this is gonna be a 20 fucking page, you know There's a Friday every week fucking 10 minutes later. Can you just answer the fucking question here? We go why is Friday the 13th unlucky you typed according to biblical traditions 13 guests attended the last supper held on Mont Mondy Mondy Thursday Mondy Thursday yeah, what the fuck MAU and D. Why? Including Jesus and his 12 apostles one of whom betrayed Judas betrayed him see the math doesn't work out on that So if one guy was a cut the other 11 look the other way How do you include Jesus on that the next day of course was good Friday? Oh, he did die on the Thursday The day of Jesus crucifixion On the third day rose again, so he came back on a Monday It's a pretty good work ethic took the weekend off Yeah, listen, yeah, you got to go back down there um What is Mondy see this is like what happens you know, I was talking to Joe Barton this weekend and we both laughing About the word meta and for the life of me I just can't fucking remember what it means and then when somebody explains it to me. I still don't get it It's like what is meta? It means oh, it's commenting on itself. It's like okay. What is what does that mean? All right, Mondy Can somebody just in in layman's terms meaning dumb person terms can you explain to me what that means because that's oh Yeah, did you see it? Oh, it's a meta It's aware of itself Okay, we're getting closer. Okay, the ceremonial washing of the feet of Of poor persons in the commemoration of Jesus washing of his disciples feet Wait, this is I'm Christian. I don't know this do we wash poor people's feet? Now where I live they're like when you get this fucking tent city out of here With they can take their tents and their dirty feet and take a fucking hike. That's that's how it happens out here in Los Angeles, right? They need to do something about the homeless What when people say that they Not help them they mean get the fuck out of here. All right held on Monday Thursday Okay, 13 guests attended the last supper held on Monday Thursday. So they were out washing Poor people's feet got how dirty were feet back then Jesus within the year 32 like those must have been some You know, and you didn't have any there was no brushes Oh boy Did they have soap back then Including this is how you just lose a half a fucking day on the internet Including Jesus and his 12 apostles one of whom was Judas Judas portrayed him Right, wait a second This is the last one I'm gonna ask that I'm just gonna get all of my fucking life here All right By the way, I'm up to Pimsler level five of my French and I'm getting my ass kicked in the past and Future tenses somewhere along the line I miss something and I'm just really getting killed so I got to like stop and figure out what's going on I think I need to get a tutor again. All right when was soap invented 2,800 BC all right Okay, there we go All right Evidence has been found oh My god, can you imagine somebody digging around the dirt just being able to know that Look at this. What is this? I don't I don't know a stone I know I Think it's just I think this is prehistoric soap How the fuck would you know that? And then you can kind of predict the year See this is why when there's people that level smart out there It's which is really Makes most of the internet confusing to me, but that's part of being dumb part of being dumb as you think you fucking know shit like I want to I want to 12 fucking years of grade school You know had a little bit of college or maybe even had college just walking around it's fucking no shit I ask guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. That's one of my favorite things I heard growing up I got his know what the fuck you what he say. I know what the fuck he's talking about How come he doesn't know what he's talking about he's in that field because he said he gave me an answer I didn't want to hear Hence he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about It's really amazing All right All right strongest since 2015. Oh, that's what I wanted to talk about. I've been going back to the gym back I am the strongest I have been since 2015 when I first fucked up my shoulders. I am ecstatic. I am gradually Working my way through being able to climb up a rope again like I used to do back in the day getting some grip strength pull up All of that shit. I've lost most of my COVID weight The other night I did a show and I busted out some shirt. I haven't worn like three four years I know what you think and Abe wasn't a little lot of style. I've always been on a style You know, you know, it was funny. It was a while one of those Western style shirts that had like snaps on it Which I was in shape to wear that shirt standing up, but when I sat down, you know when you wear a shirt was snaps on It like if you're fat or too fat for the shirt it like bunches up and then you know your mistakes kind of poke through Sitting there after my show hanging out with some people thinking you know, all right That was a good show these people had a good time Whatever and then I just looked down and I just saw you know a box of Girl Scout cookies Fucking poking out of my shirt. I was just like yeah, I'm a fucking loser but I've been really doing really well like I am Somebody finally explained what sugar does to your body and I have that in my head every time I Think of doing something stupid like I went out with my lovely wife today Doing what I wanted to do during this break going out to dinner with her seeing movies or whatnot and and I went to this great restaurant and in the end she wanted to order she goes Because you want to split a dessert and I was like no, I'm off. I'm off the sugar It spikes your glucose and when your glucose is spiked it stops it stops burning fat Then you just sort of retain it something like that the guy said something like that I just so I know just no, I don't want to spike my glucose if I did that I would be meta and Somebody have to wash my feet on fucking wash your dirty feet Thursdays Maybe a good thing for guys to do like every Thursday fucking take a bath and scrub your fucking toenails You know what I mean women go women go to the The foot place right they're allowed to do that you can't do that as a guy at least as a white guy It's really looked down on pond. I will tell you black eyes do it though At least the black eyes I was hanging out with long time ago and I did the rich bitch tour with the late great Charlie Murphy Donnell Rollings Rich Murphy was on it. I remember one day they were all going to the spa To get fucking their nails done. I swear to God and I was laughing and they're going no man. You should come in fucking dirty ass white boy walking around I'm like what's wrong with my nails they're clean like now you got to get like a manicure So you know, I was a fan of the Pope a Greenwich village And I remember when Mickey Rook was sitting in the barbershop What killed me was he looks so clean, but he was smoking a cigarette so you know instantly he smelled like a fucking Astray, but he had this great suit on He'd fucking great Lead in a movie actor hair and then they were he was getting a haircut or something like that the shave and everything and someone was doing his nails Because he was gonna go down and talk to bed bug at bed bug Eddie, so I'm like all right I like the Pope a Greenwich village all right. I'll go down and I'll do this stuff. It was fucking hilarious. I Sad across from these guys as they had their hands like soaking in the thing. I was fucking I was Probably the most immature I've ever been I was just laughing my ass off the entire time and then I got the only time I've ever gotten a manicure and I couldn't wait to scrape that shit off my fingers Like when we did the show that night I was waiting for someone in the crowd So yeah, you got your nails done Just start getting heckled it was really outside my wheelhouse I don't even know how I even started talking about this. Oh, yeah every Thursday, you know, that's a big thing though I'll tell you younger fellas out there You're younger guys, you know you hook up with some broad. You don't have like dirty toenails You know if you got clean feet That's that's a good goddamn movement. You don't want to show over there show up there like you know Like Jesus needs to come back from the dead again on on a fucking Thursday. I want you goddamn feet All right, once you guys do that How about every Thursday? You know you look down especially if you wear black socks wear black socks like at least you have big toes They're gonna be a mess after three four days This is what this podcast has come to I'm just giving grooming tips at this point Football seasons over My kids dominate the television and I just keep taping shit the bruins they have in that their best regular season ever And I know they lost today five to three. I know they were down two nothing the other night against I think they had a home And home against the red wings they came back and won Maybe three to two. I don't know what Talk to Bart Nick about that. So I kind of know what's going on, but I have no idea what the fuck is going on So now I've just started I'm gonna like tape the games because at night they're always you know My kids are always like you know You know I've what I've done as I started I started shutting them off Like but I don't want to put sports on because they were starting to resent sports and they were saying that they were Boring because they're young, you know what I mean? They don't understand like what's going on yet? So I Don't want to turn them off to sports because then you know I'm gonna have to get the TV out in the garage and just be that dad that You know and 10 years when they're doing whatever the fuck they're doing is like oh dad's watching sports go out to the garage dad No one cares about your sports, right? So But lately I've sort of been shutting off their shows and I'll put on like ESPN Try to tape a few few things, you know I got the hiccups Is that meta Me commenting on the hiccups No, I taped this thing an unholy rivalry or something it was about the The Yankees and Dodgers back-to-back world series in 77 78 they should have added 81 When Fernando came in and put him over the top But I just love that That's when I think I think the first world series that I watched the entire thing I vaguely remember the 75 series in my dad and my grandfather when he was still alive cheering I vaguely remember that but the world series I really want to see if anybody knows where there's like highlights or anything you can send it to me. I would love it is the The 1976 world series when the big red machine after beating the Red Sox in a seven-game Thriller came back the next year and Beath the New York Yankees four games to none just swept them They did not have Reggie Reggie a lot of people forget. I believe was on the Baltimore Orioles that year Cuz that guy in the A's didn't want to pay anybody So he he must have played at least a year there cuz there is a baseball card of him playing on the Orioles Which was just before my time and then of course they came back and won by the way when I saw a CERPA co last Week there's two incredible stadium one at New York City College Up in Harlem and right after they shot the movie they They leveled it and put a building up a really cool looking old stadium. I thought for half a second they were at What is that Ivy League school God knows I don't know those Cornell said it I don't think it's with a C Columbia Columbia right I think it's Columbia. I Thought that's where they were but they were actually a New York City College or something like that And then there's another great great unbelievable shot of the original Yankee Stadium right before they redid that one and Turned it into the one you know it became the house of Reggie Jackson Whenever I think of the set they remodeled Original Yankee Stadium. I just remember those Dodger Yankee World Series games and That white ball just disappearing into the black sky After Reggie hit it and then it just landing in the centerfield seats and my favorite thing now to listen to was how Howard Coussell Totally steps on Keith Jackson's call he must have wanted to fucking kill him Keith Jackson's like oh Reggie Jackson. That was a deep fly ball out to centerfield and as he's doing that Howard Coussell's going that's gone that ball is gone it is gone Reggie Jackson Historic how run and unprecedented fact I can't remember exactly what he said, but he just fucking Jumped all over that call on purpose a total cunt fucking move and I would love To hear a recording of Keith Jackson Calling his agent after that game Oh One more time I'm gonna throw it down I'm a fucking up and Literally jumps all over that fucking call So anyway, oh, I just got an email that has some new standup dates ladies and gentlemen ladies and gentlemen Sound like Jamie Masada ladies and gentlemen Billy Barber. Billy Barber ladies and gentlemen Does it every time he calls me? The fuck is what the hell is my damn email? All right, oh there it is. Oh, I got some new dates. I got some new dates For you guys. Oh billies going back on tour Show information Saturday June 24th 2023 Newark New Jersey at the prudential center 8 p.m. Sunday, August 13th 2023 holy shit. Oh Canada Halifax Nova Scotia at the Halifax Citadel Garrison grounds at 8 p.m The Pre-sale I think for both of those is gonna be Wednesday March 15th at 10 a.m. Local time I Don't know what that means I would say I would always guess 10 a.m. East Coast the artist code is burb burr BRR the general sale was on Friday March 17th at At 10 a.m. Local time March 17th this Friday everybody Everybody puts on their fucking plastic hats, right? And they start singing the green alligator Nellong net goose Fucking amateur night Once again St. Patrick's Day is the Valentine's Day of boozing Is a completely made up holiday I know they're they're acting like they're showing respect to Irish people, but they're not With those stupid plastic hats. I know I say this every year You know if you're gonna go out drinking what you want to do go out on the 18th That's when you want to go well. I would actually wait for the puke smell to be mocked up maybe go out on the 19th Or maybe that Monday night because it it falls on Friday This year, so there's that's that is gonna be I don't even know if there's really shit. I don't even know what these kids do now it is I don't think they I don't think that they're drinking the way we used to drink Which is a good thing because booze was the only thing legal and now there's just so much fucking legal shit It's incredible It really is incredible, and I have to be honest with you like when you could just fucking sit down Then take two puffs off some fucking joint That is gonna send you into the stratosphere. Why would you waste all the energy? Trying to down a six pack or whatever your fucking choice is um I don't know speaking at that Speaking of being social old freckles went to the so-fi stadium on Friday night And I saw Stevie Nicks in Billy Joel and I could not have had a better time watching those two absolute legends Crush it Absolutely crush it for I don't know how many hours Stevie Nicks comes out and we're thinking like all right if she's open it was she's open She's just gonna do like 45 minutes. This is gonna be wall-to-wall hits She came out and sort of like co-headlining like she came out and did well over an hour still played nothing but hits And I was thinking like you know something she's gonna do stop dragging my heart around and she's gonna do this tribute to to um you know to Tom Petty and all that that's gonna be like a real tear tear jerk or and all that type of stuff Instead they start playing it and as they're playing it Billy Joel just comes walking out and sings Tom Petty's part Everybody goes nuts. They killed it. They sounded great together and later on in her set She picked a different song which right thought was really cool That she did it then because if she was showing a bunch of pictures of her and Tom Petty while Billy Joel was on stage That would have gotten away It was like a really like whoever decided to do it that way was really smart and she had all these killer pictures later on in her set of her in Tom Petty. Oh the heartbreak is Stan Lynch when he was in the band. Oh my god I mean those guys would just fucking Top shelf right and then Then Then later on you know, I don't I don't ruin the show now. I'm thinking I'm ruining the show if you go She did another tribute to her Was it Kristi McVeigh? I'm not the biggest sleeper Mac fan, but like those pictures were enough to make you tear up You could tell they were sisters and best friends. It was just fucking awesome and then Billy Joel comes out And I don't know does two two and a half hours of nothing but hits Just absolutely destroyed it and I guess nothing to about Billy Joel is the guy is fucking hilarious He's so relaxed. He's 74 years old He plays like three number one hits and then he just kind of looks around it so far because he's I'm assuming he's never been there He just kind of looks around as like I don't know how many tens of thousands of people like fucking 70,000 people are sitting there screaming. He just kind of looks around like That's a big place He said it like he was sitting in the stands not like we were all looking at him. I don't know how can I tell you any of his jokes He was amazing and then later on You know Stevie Nicks came back. I was funny. I was sitting there thinking in the crowd trying to be the smart guy like I'm in business in Showbiz to the business of show I'm thinking like when he was like into his tenth song I was like I bet Stevie Nicks is home right now taking a bath You know the most underrated slot in show business opening everybody wants to headline if you open you get in there, you know the crowd's cool Get it get the fuck out fantastic Fantastic I was thinking that when I saw the Motley crew deaf leopard thing with Poison I was thinking that like Joan Jett is already back at the hotel You know ordered a little room service got the bubble bath going and These guys are still waiting to find like she's done She could actually go out if she wanted to it's fucking fantastic But she she hung around she came out she sang a song within the place fucking went nuts and I may or may not have been on mushrooms not a lot But I kind of picked the perfect amount and I was in a real fun section You know a lot of Malibu moms a lot of Malibu people I felt were around me You know a lot of guys with older guys with ponytails and shit I went with Josh Adam Myers dude and we just had a fucking We had a great time Billy's band was killer Steve's band was killer it was just like and they're both like such pros like both of them took the time Not only to thank everybody for coming out the acknowledged because it was raining cats and dogs, you know And they're like you know thanks for coming out in the rain and sitting through all the traffic and all just that old school Showbiz shit like Like they will raise right, you know what I mean so um Anyway um I Highly recommend I'm so psyched that I saw him Billy and Steve because it's like They're still like I'm telling you man. They just both of them singing their fucking asses off 100% worth The time the money the traffic and all of that shit. We had such a fucking great time You know met these moms from Utah? It was like that crowd like moms bringing their kids and shit It was just fucking fun a lot of old white dudes playing air piano, which I'd never seen in my life There was this guy in front of us that like I don't know he was like older than me snuck booze in He had a fucking fat joint. He kept turning around pointing at people having a great time and And oh, it was this one guy man. He looked like He looked like he was like I don't know how a fucking old He was just white hair and he still had it in a ponytail and he was smoking the fattest fucking joint and It was just filling up the whole section and the security guard was yelling hey hey you buddy Put the joint out you can't smoke a joint Oh this shit was just looking at the guy being like dude, what the fuck? I mean the guy's like He looks like he fought in Korea man. He's still got the ponytail He's keeping him he can't listen and they literally walk security goes in there and people were going like come on Man, you're not gonna kick him out are you and then the security guy goes no, no, I just got to talk to him You can't smoke in here. It's no smoking. I was like all right All right This guy was probably a woodstock. He's need he's not grandfathered into smoke a fucking joint You know it was weird though. I didn't see him after fucking Stevie next. It was kind of concerned I'm like wait did they throw that guy out? Did they do the old hey? We're not throwing him out and then they threw him out that old fucking trick that they people still do that trick You know what I was thrilled about on my street Excuse me taking a drink there somebody got their driveway repaved and And nobody came by and wrote something on it. I fucking hate when people do that You know what I mean? I feel like They should be hunted down and made to fucking fix the driveway or the sidewalk You know because it's never anything cool for some reason graffiti can be cool cool It can be like art, but someone who just writes in concrete if they just write this stupid name You know, well, they write like who they're in love with Forever and they write it in concrete and then like a week later they fucking break up because they're only in the seventh grade Actually had anxiety because the driveway was so beautiful. It's like look at that. It's perfect. It's not one crack in it No tree roots have pushed it up. Oh Look how smooth that is This is what happens to get old you get into that shit like oh man Look at that guy's driveway Like I don't want to go through the headache of getting a new driveway or the expense But I am so envious when the job is complete. I'm just thinking of myself that guy or that lady toughed it out You know with all those trucks fucking digging it up and hauling it away And I thought you were gonna pour it today. Oh, it's gonna fucking rain to do it. Do you want all that potion then it's fucking over Then you're looking at it go. Oh man, that's nice That's a nice fucking smooth slab of concrete All right Let's do some reads here. Shall we? All right, they all look who it is look who it is. It's not Jesus He hasn't come back to wash your feet and then yell at you because his dad made you the imperfect person that you are and he takes no responsibility for it It's not him Now when I say him God is the ages capitalize right? Jesus always gets the lower case You know he hit the glass ceiling right his dad never dies He's never gonna get that fucking corner office. All right zebra crew set Oh In honor of good Friday, which has to be coming up soon, right? Let's do we're gonna do a little white church singing here If you were to start a new Sorry business what would it be? If I would start a new business I would start a fucking security camera business that catches these punks right now an old guy's new fresh slab of concrete in that driveway I wouldn't have a lot of cases. I'd be that lonely PE with that metal fan that can cut your fucking fingers off sitting on my desk With a matchstick lighter like Humphrey Bogart the multi-safelkin. I just be sitting there. Well when the case came in You'd know you could depend on me. All right examples taco truck business That That seems like a fun job, but those guys work their fucking asses off and I'm also thinking the amount of drunks They have to deal with you know here's to you taco truck driver a bouncy castle backyard parties and business Ah god those not-nose kids fucking slapping and all over the things You know you know there's gonna be that one kid who's like twice the size for his fucking age Either because his kids are you know his parents are over Feed them or they're just like that giant couple They'll just see a giant couple like the woman's like six two and the guys like six seven Then they come in with their fucking giant kid Kids walking in looking like a baby giraffe fucking man torso just slamming into kids. Hey, he's too big. He's only four Okay, I thought he was 15 All right Let's see an animal rescue shelter That's a good one some kind of charity some kind of charity shit selling handmade wood products Wow, we kind of ran out of businesses here. Didn't we you mean nicknacks? Whether you're starting a new business or growing one That's shout out to people fucking dealing weed if you want it to be successful You need the most talented people on your team. That's where zip Comes in and right now you can try it for free at slash burr Sorry, why should you let zip? Yeah, she asked got help you hire For your business. Why should you do that? I'll tell you why relax. It's not a rhetorical question No, is it rhetorical? It is a rhetorical question Ziprocruiter's powerful matching technology finds highly qualified candidates for a wide range of roles You got your eye on one or two people to be perfect for your job. Don't worry zip Let's you send them a personal invite. Hey big boy. How would you like to type some letters for me? So they're more likely to apply ziprocruiter offers also offers attention grabbing labels that speak to job flexibility like remote training provided urgent free Pistol. I'm sorry and more to really help your job stand out Let's fill all your roles with the right candidates four to five employers who post on ziprocruiter Get a quality candidate within the first day. You don't have time is money If I learned anything from those p-ditty videos back in the day money never sleeps You want rise and grind 24 7 365 fucking Keep going can't stop won't stop right? Sorry, my throat is fucking dry I don't even know what I was talking about Fortify you had a candidate within first day you need to get a candidate within the first day You know something remember that p-ditty show we had back in the day where we made those potential Making the band You know, you know why he doesn't do that show anymore because he's got fucking Ziprocruiter You can put a band together in one day see for yourself go to this exclusive website Address to try ziprocruiter for free at slash burr again. That's zip slash burr spell it out ZIP REC UITER Ziprocruiter The smartest way to hire I didn't do it good Ziprocruiter The smartest way to hire. Oh, that was a good one. That's a keeper. Oh spell out burr. Sorry B.U.R.R All right game time You know buying tickets to your favorite event Events shouldn't be stressful game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports music Comedy in theater near you with killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guarantee you can stop stressing Over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you're gonna have Game time is the place for the last minute ticket deals forget planning months in advance That's for organized people you have a dd This is the ticket place for you game time Has deals on tickets right up to the day of the event get exclusive. What do you mean? I didn't forget your birthday I got fucking tickets the faster pussy cat. Oh My god, I think I'll blow you Um get exclusive flat that really happened That's an actual example of someone who used game time It is I made it up, but whatever. I'm selling it here people. I'm being a professional Get exclusive flash deals on tickets or football basketball baseball concerts comedy theater Curling no and more Um the game time guarantee means you will always get the best price if you find tickets in the same section and row for less That's pretty fucking specific game time will credit you a hundred and percent of the difference Then that's just gonna give you your money back. They're gonna give you a little big like you're a bookie all of a sudden You know what that's called people that's called confidence The kind of confidence you get it came to have It's the fastest growing ticket app in the country for a reason Get images of your seat before you buy so you know exactly what to expect when you arrive Well, then she put some fat fuck with a big head in front of us what they should do Buy tickets in a matter of seconds two taps in your set Tickets are sent directly to your phone so you never have to dig through your email Speaking of which did you see that chick at the Oscars wearing that fucking cotton candy around her head Can you imagine you finally get to the Oscars and then you sit behind that you're like oh my god I can't say anything I'm gonna get suspended like Will Smith Do you have a good time at the Oscars? Yeah, you know Yeah, I mean if the person in front of me wasn't dressed like they were going to the Kentucky Derpy I probably could have seen something snag the tickets without the stress stress with game time Download the game time app create an account and use code burb you are for $20 off your first purchase terms apply again Create an account and redeem code burb you are for $20 off download game time today last minute tickets Lowest price guaranteed game time is all one word GA me T.I. Emmy All right, and with that people I believe it's time To go into the reads for the week Um, oh, and here they are This is already This is already interesting to me Farrow Islands Um, it sounds like a place where they would they would have like a some sort of mystery It sounds like they would be like a horror Jean-Romey there Or a place where the discovery channel back in the day when they gave a fuck about nature Before it was just you know people building shit Hi, my name's fucking crazy fucking Johnson and I'm into winabegos. We're here to cut you fucking winab You know, it's like they had fast and loud then they just did 50 shows just like it. I miss that show I love that show um Farrow Farrow Islands. Hey Bob the bill bur. Oh, instead of the builder Bob the bill bur Um, can he fix it? I'm sorry to advance if I fuck up my writing English is one of my five languages. Oh jesus I like it you speak five languages. You're allowed to Talk a little shit. I mean I can barely speak this one. I just said one languages Um, I'm a Farrow East Hey, watch how you throw that word with fucking word around buddy. I'm a Farrow East 26 year old male Who's an electrician served in the Danish army and going to the Danish Navy to be an electrician there later this year All right, you're in the Danish army and you're going to I was so blown away that kind of fuck just this guy No English as well It's amazing considering I'm struggling so much with my mom for all say Um You know, it's funny To Mapussi means you push me you push me Mapussi that means you me push something like that. I don't know That one's easy to remember um, all right. I probably fucked that up too. Uh, I'm Farrow East 26 year old male Who's an electrician served in the Danish army and going to the Danish Navy to be an electrician there later this year I have a princess daughter whose four years old. Oh, that's nice. Look at you young dad man She's gonna see a lot of your life. That's great Will me okay Whose four years old with an ex girlfriend. All right. That's a little rough. Okay, I get it To yeah, you know, oh my god speaking of tall couples the fucking Dane's how many meters is this kid already I Know meters is not how you say it but whatever all right and being in the the Navy will mean I will be two months at sea and two months at home with pay where I can enjoy every moment with my lovely daughter Anyway anyways to the question Um, I was listening to your mmp. That must be fun to be in the Danish Navy. Nobody's coming at you right What was the last time a Danish ship got fucking sunk world war two Going out to see As long as you're not on a submarine man. I wouldn't get claustrophobic. I would just be like guys it fucking stinks in here um Anyway, where am I I was listening to your mmp back in 2011 Which I can't believe it was 12 years ago Jesus Christ And you mentioned that pharaoh islands a Danished-owned country is one of the countries you wanted to visit or have a stand-up show it I can assure you you are well known here get the fuck out of here as us pharaoh East people don't have much to do here Other than listening to idiot Americans Being triggered by dumb shit. It's hilarious um, yeah, it is pretty embarrassing. I think it's kind of over you know what I like to is now the people that we're trying to cancel everybody You're are acting like nobody got canceled It's like classic abusive behavior. They do it and then when you call them on it You know when they we have the shoe drops. You're like what that never happened Yeah, what are you talking about like classes like your parents you fucking did this to me. Well, I never did that Um, as I said you are very well known here also in Denmark. I I'm nice. I've been to Denmark a number of times Um, I told the cab driver there to go fuck himself too Fucking passive aggressive little fucking pussy. He was where he's actually a foot taller than me, but still Remember he pulled over he said something because cuz he'll Americans. That's so stupid Oh, I went off on him. I remember near dragging me out of the cab You know, not like I was gonna fight the guy. I just was just unloading on him Oh, yeah, you so smart you drive a cab you fucking giant cunt Come on, Bill. Let's go. Where did another country? No, fuck him What kind of a dick would do like if there's some Danish guy came over here even if I had some Feeling about Denmark. I would never do that because then I would be like every time somebody brings up America He's gonna talk about me being an asshole and how all Americans stink I don't do that with Denmark just that fucking cab driver Um, anyway, we love staying up here and especially the yelling slash being annoyed slash complaining kind So you won't have trouble selling seats. I mean, that's pretty much what I do Uh, I will happily give you a tour in the islands Hey slow your roll here, buddy. I don't even know who the fuck kind of I know you enough That cab driver from all those years ago when you're gonna fucking feed me to the penguins Um, I know you love motorcycles and I funny enough own two Suzuki's let's go riding in the mountains Yeah, this guy's trying to murder me anyways. Hope you read this and at the very least considering come back here You know what I gotta I gotta remember where the Pharaoh Islands are Um Am I gonna get in trouble if I go there where there are there must have been other people there before It's gonna be like when Beyonce goes to fucking Dubai and they're like how could you go there? Um, all right, hang on a second. Pharaoh Islands ph Pharaoh Islands, all right Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just all this is part of the uh The Nordic that's the last one everybody forgets right the Pharaoh Islands Like the not the Nordic the the Scandinavian part of Scandinavia is within the Nordic countries and Scandinavia is Finland Sweden Norway Denmark in the Pharaoh Islands. I believe I Believe I believe I can fly um the Pharaoh Islands are simply pharaohs Uh North American island group and an autonomous territory of the Kingdom of Denmark. It's fucking amazing England Didn't try to take that they just stopped at Scotland Then took all the potatoes in Ireland. I've all my life. I never knew that the fucking potato family was a genocide No idea I just thought it was like the dust bowl and they couldn't grow fucking potatoes Ah American public schools Uh, they're located 320 kilometers north northwest of the United Kingdom and about halfway from Norway The island is part of the Kingdom of Denmark along with the democratic Terrain is rugged sub polar Sub polar hey fucking oh, it's actually south east of Iceland Terrain is rugged I don't know guys Temperatures for such a northerly climate are moderate by the Gulf Stream. Okay. I'm back in. I'm back in 12 degrees Celsius 54 Fahrenheit five degrees Celsius 41. I like this Civil twilight during the summer nights is very short and very short when you Oh the northerly latitude also resets results in perpetual civil twilight during the summer Nights and very short winter days Oh, wow. Yeah, that'll fuck with you after a while um This is not answering what I wanted to All right, I was trying to impress your guys that I knew a little bit of geography and Didn't go the way I thought it was gonna go all right. We're just gonna call that a loss because I'm not gonna fucking type with one hand I'm not gonna try to type Scandinavia with one fucking hand. I couldn't do it with two. So you know It's part of being 54 you give up on your dreams. You know your limits. All right, TSA security check Um, hey Bill. Love your podcast. Thank you I just went through TSA security and Detroit and it made me think of you I'm pregnant so I opted out of the full body scan machine the TSA agent was very polite to me But also tried to tell me that it was just a son a sonar machine I declined it was given a full pat down and sent on my way a sonar machine No, he's sonar. I know his drums Played by the great Phil Rudd Played by the great Steve Smith. Well, this is a sonar artist Oh my fucking brain is going to mush um um the TSA agent was very polite to me, but also tried to tell me a sonar machine. Oh you mean like Like trying to find whales like a fish finder really? I've been trying to fact check that statement for the past 20 minutes And I found nothing anyway all the best to you and your family well good for you Good for you, you know That's You know i'm not saying all TSA people are are are bad, but that person definitely should be selling use cars If that's what the fuck they're saying what is a sonar machine? Oh s o n a r But it said the same way right All right, finding a couple of buddies Um All right, finding a couple of buddies. Hey, oh Billy bail bail bags ball bags. Sorry I Is it going here finding a couple of buddies. Hey, oh Billy ball bags. I'm 40 years old happily married Have a good career play tennis regularly look at you Look at you you fucking snooty cut you posh cunt as they say Over in England you play tennis regularly. I'll do you you play in your Wimbledon whites Huh You fucking playing a grass surface you fucking cozy cunt um What should thread count on your sheets Um, I own a home and two rental properties. Well look at you and live in a great neighborhood in North Carolina Oh bluegrass coat courts Moved here about 20 years ago from New York. Oh This guy was ahead of the fucking curve Oh my god I can't imagine the house that you bought if you had New York money and then moved to North Carolina 20 years ago Supplies it in immediately make you the mayor Um, I've been disabled since birth. Oh Jesus Christ. You know what There's always a fucking left turn. What do you mean you're disabled and use a wheelchair? Fuck Generally, I'm crushing it out there. Yes, you are in life is good Wait a minute you're in a wheelchair and you're playing tennis What You play tennis regularly you play against another guy in a wheelchair What do you go one of those old people fucking uh Carts that zip around like 20 miles an hour. You bet your baseline game must be incredible Uh, one thing seems to be missing Finding a couple of close buddies Wait a minute you're playing tennis who you're playing with He said I didn't have much to do I didn't have too much Difficulty making friends as a kid or have too much difficulty Wait, no, the day or in college in New York. I do have a couple of guys that I hang out with once in a rare while But have had few consistent friends since college I mean, I was so fucking psyched for this guy. No, okay. All right. We gotta be out of help this person here I do think being in a wheelchair has limited opportunities to some extent But I know that it's not the whole story people have careers families and are busy But also get set aside But also can set aside guy time too. What's a guy got to do around here to find some dudes to hang out with thanks and go fuck yourself Oh, I see what happened This is what happened. Oh, you're happily married I thought you were the person that stayed single if you stay single in your forties By then everybody's pretty much, you know I Locked down and then living a life and you just don't have look at me. I mean look how great the Bruins are playing I don't have time to fucking do that forget about Go down the street, you know get my ass kicked by some guy in a fucking You know 30 mile an hour wheelchair whatever you're doing Are you hustling these people when you're playing fucking tennis? Is that what is you took all their money? Like you know, fuck that guy Um What's a guy got to do well, I mean I First of all, you're playing tennis in North Carolina. I would think that's a very small portion of the population and I am gonna get stereotypical here stock cars isn't what it used to be Um That's a tough one you're also married You got a good career home. You got two rental properties. You got any kids Is it because you don't have kids? You know what I would do I would fucking I would cast a wide net I would literally look at you know how to meet people, you know things to do for 40 year olds start there Knowing that you're not gonna do 99% of that just to kind of give you like a direction to point You know you're cheering Sorry, I gotta go with the material you give me buddy um Hmm if I was 40 Wish I was 40 and I moved to a new area and I didn't have any friends usually the local bar Um Yeah, you want me to barfly I Would explain you have any other hobbies tennis. That's a rough one I Feel like tennis peaked like 40 years ago When everyone was into Jimmy Connors and Mac and Rowan Bjorn Bork. I just feel like You know, there's probably more women playing tennis because I feel like the the Why you went into peach sampress And then there was that other guy And then there's that other guy Nadell right, you know oh Ah dude you got me here with the you know what I'm gonna do you fucking homework for you North Carolina Here we go. I'm gonna do this with one fucking hand here Yeah Doodle doodle do do do dodo do do things Wait How Okay, I'm casting a wide net how to meet people in North Carolina In there 40s No clan members please All right date my age meet travel mates 10 best dating dating Meet new friends over 40 groups rolly North Carolina the capital here we go join meet up Let's see here Triangle 30s 40s 50s social fun group chappel hill Durham fun with friends women who laugh over 40 L.A. FF I don't know what that stands for Uh classy ladies mid 40s 50s like you're not trying to fuck around here urban 40s 50s 60s LGBTQ Carolina aging triangle There's a bunch of people my age living life large singles Six singles at seven ladies brunch All right, so this fucking website stinks all right. Oh, I okay on a second hang on how to make friends and meet people as an adult Make friends through volunteer work. There's an ambulance and a ambulance. There's an abundance. I said there's an ambulance There's an abundance of volunteer opportunities anywhere you live in North Carolina volunteering there you go There you go I gave you a lead try volunteering. It's not a good thing to do it makes you feel good And then you can meet other nice people that actually give a shit about other people unless they're running a corrupt um Charity which it doesn't happen all right etiquette Oh, I forgot to mention you. I just watched Jimmy Kimmel's uh monologue on the Oscars I thought it was fucking great the tone of it was perfect You know he was funny Little self-deprecation. He's poking fun at people, but he's not going too hard No one jumped up on the stage. I think it was all right etiquette Um, Hale groundskeeper Billy uh, I went to a Halifax moose heads hockey game That sounds fun on the weekend and had an absolute the absolute privilege to sit behind one of the opposing teams players parents Number 25 to be exact After the moose head jumped up to a five-one lead in the first thing started getting a little chippy for some pretext The moose heads play in the QMJ HL Which has teams in some very small towns and cities Halifax has one of the largest cities in the league Also one of the largest and boisterous fan bases the players age ranges from 16 to 20 So the NHL this is like hoop dreams, but the NHL uh That being said Halifax was playing a team from a city of about 20,000 people So for some of these younger players from smaller towns. This is their first time playing in front of larger crowds There was just under 9,000 people at the game. That's pretty impressive And they all decided that they hated number 25 whose parents I was sitting behind sitting behind He had slew footed one of our players. Well, that'll do it Took some dumb penalties and was taking all kinds of shit on the jumbo trunk still being down five the one by the way um He was trying to draw players into fights and taking penalties. He's the guy who stores it up As the booze rained down on him every time he touched the puck his mother would cheer as loud as she could That's a great mom So my section would boo louder than any other section to drown out or cheering I'll give this lady some credit. She was able to withstand the barrage of your sons of bum Wow heckles for two periods until she got up with five five minutes into the third period See that see that Michael Moore With your fucking Fairy dust that you sprinkle over Canada like they're all these fucking nice people. They're animals fucking animals I mean said that I wish I saw that. I wish I was at that game anyway. Oh Oh known I shouldn't have said that because the next sentence says she got up with tears in her eyes And walked up the stairs to a round of sarcastic applause from my section Wow Alcohol everybody uh takes a lot of courage to cheer for your son in a losing game after he became the punching bag for the entire crowd The dad just sat in his seat and enjoyed the game almost embracing the booing Now you know what he's got really well-balanced parents You know good for that number 25 Just wanted to I didn't have minutes to slew foot just wanted to get your thoughts on this we were were we too hard on the mom Or is that what you get when you cheer for the away team? That's what you get if your kids out there slew foot and people. I mean it you know She needs to toughen up a little bit But not too much because I bet she's a great mom. I mean I got to be honest with you. Man. That's a hell of a mom You know Anyway, come back to Halifax soon Bill been 10 years since you came up here with Virzy. Has it really? Anyway, go fuck yourself. You're red-cut um Thank you wait a second Did I just say I was going up to Halifax? I? Am Just as you requested August 13th. I'll be up there and I will not be slew footing anybody um I have a feeling there's a number of uh There's a number of people right now looking up slew foot Um, anyway, it's just basically You kind of skate up beside a guy you get yourself parallel with them you stick your leg behind His legs and then you put the elbow slash arm in the chest and you just kind of go you just trip him you basically trip him backwards You know you can really hurt somebody doing it. It's a fucking dirtbag move And uh if you do it in the opposing arena people are gonna get booed if you do it in the hometown arena They can be like that wasn't a penalty And that's how it works um, all right, that is the podcast everybody um, oh Billy fucking is working out. He's got his freckled ass back in shape. I could go on toward Get on stage now, and I would look all right And uh, but I plan on key. I'm not stopping man. I'm fucking going until I'm shredded Like I was way back in the day. Oh Billy fucking now. I have not had I told you last time I had abs I had abs right up until is about 27 28 years old and uh Somebody introduced me to chili cheese fries and I ate them and the next day my belly was to set Distended and it never came back. That was the last fucking time. I remember where I was and I could never get it to come Come back. So um, I'm working on that I had a good four big max Sit on my stomach for a long fucking time and I'm down to the last one the hardest one You know, I got the little cunt belly the little you know the the if the top if you count your abs Starting from the top left one two three four five. So it's five and six Other motherfucker more so than seven and eight You know The pubiscus Abticators would have ab ab ab what does abs even stand for abductus is recordus is concatular wickers. Whatever. Fuck you calling Those are the hard ones Ab seven and eight, you know one and two Impressive three and four. Hey look at you. I browse up you gets you if you get if you can get seven and eight No six no five and six if you can get five and six you do you have seven and eight That's just how that works um Do I sound crazy good because I am all right that sit go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday Okay, come on where the fuck's the button