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I'm grateful to have the tools now to be able to guide them hopefully away from addiction because this is something that my daughter's grades haven't suffered. She's been failing classes for this whole year and we're like what the hell is going on? You were a baby student last year. Hopefully I can just steer them in a direction and show them that we don't have to deal with our traumas in life through alcohol and drug addiction. I'm not condors down with Tim Lodge and this is Tim's second time on the podcast. The reason being he and I are celebrating our two-year anniversary of sobriety. They're only within about a week of each other so we want to get together. Have a conversation about what life has been since the last time Tim has been on and I do want to let you know we do speak of some traumas that I have occurred in Tim's family. These are sensitive events and might be triggering to some. Tim opens up how sobriety has allowed him to be there for his family like he never was before in his addiction. I'm grateful to have become friends with Tim in the last 18 months. He's doing so much for the recovery community sharing his story and being an ear for others and helping them and living a purposeful life and that's what knock and doors down is all about. And hey, while you're checking knock and doors down out, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and if you get a lot out of this podcast share with the friend and don't forget the archive of interviews we have. Bammar Jarrah, Brandon Novak, Kat Von D, Charlie Sheen, Edward Furlong, Kelly Osborne, the list goes on and on of amazing guests that have been on the podcast, sharing how they have found purposeful lives. Speaking of purpose, how about a lifestyle brand with purpose? 51.50LTM. That's right, not only is it a lifestyle brand that can fit whatever it is you're trying to achieve in life, but they give back to the community. Right now I am wearing my new 51.50 hat, warm leather jacket as well. I got my new 51.50 joggers on that I like to wear around the winter time. And you the listener of knock and doors down get 20% off every time you shop at 51.50LTM. All you have to do is use the code KDD20 at checkout and get 20% off. And of course, I said it helps within the community and how does 51.50 give back to the community portions of the sales benefit the Carlos Vieira Foundation. There are three amazing programs, the race to in the stigma, the race for autism and the race to be drug free. More on the Carlos Vieira Foundation, go to cartlosvieirafoundations.org. Man, two years, two years sober. Looking good. Yeah, man, it's uh, uh, I feel 15 years younger, dude. Right. It's odd how that works, huh? Yeah, I mean physically, mentally spiritually, I just, I just feel as if I have so much more energy to do stuff now and um, the willingness to do it. I got a theory to him. Here's my fucking theory. We spent so long stunting our growth in every way possible that that that now that we're not. It's like, oh, this is the abundance of life, okay? So this is what it's all about. Yeah, man, dude. Yeah, I know it's a trip. I was doing the math. Then I was like, man, we've known each other a year and a half. Yeah, man. And uh, dude, I think you were like the fourth podcast I did. And I just did my 100 and first. So talking to you today is 102. And like, and it's, I just don't understand how that is how I did that. Um, and all that did was just started messaging people and people wanted to hear what I had to say, which is, which is amazing to me because when we, when I first started this and I first talked, I didn't think anybody would even care about my message or or my story because everybody has a story. Well, I think it's, you come with such vulnerability, honesty, compassion, um, empathy. And you know, you just hang it out there as his man. I mean, like, like all of us, all of us went through the shit, you know, I'm saying everybody went through the shit. I think it's the way in what you just did the work and deliver who and what what you are and just put it out there. You don't, uh, you don't put on a facade. You know, and that's important in this. Now, you're honesty, man. You have to be truthful. You have to be honest. Um, we will see right through that shit. We were, we're very cunning and manipulative. We know exactly when you're trying to pull the head, like the wall over our eyes, man, real quick, uh, speaking of that with, uh, and of course, you know, don't name names, but I've been finding and going through this more lately that it's not just my people and recovery when it's the pull in the wall over my eyes. It's everybody. It's everybody. And so it's like, yeah, my perception and how I see things has changed a lot. No, it is. I actually, I've read something of it. It's, uh, it says, it's not not when somebody stabs you in the back. It's when you turn around and see you told them, that's what hurts. And, uh, it's, it's been a lot of close people, man, um, family, friends that were people that I thought were friends. Sure. And, um, my sobriety is, I'm going to say, I don't know if it's offensive to them or it's scary to them, but it, um, maybe it makes them look at themselves. I think that's part of it. And my other belief is that oftentimes there's people that want us to get sober or they, what they want us to stop using, but they don't want us sober. You know what I'm saying? Like they want us to be the same person. They don't want us to kill ourselves with a substance or in your case, a rope or in my case, a car, but they don't want us to change. They, they want the same person that they can maybe push boundaries or whatever it is that they just, it's when you change, it's like, you know, why they say, and you, you got to change the whole dynamic with the families, not just the addict, the whole family, you know, changes. And I think there's just people don't like that shit. Yeah, when we finally put our foot down and we do set boundaries, they're like, wait a second, wait. You're like, no, I'm not doing that anymore. You're not talking to me like that anymore. You're not treating me like that anymore. And if you are doing that, then you and I are not going to be crawls and pass anymore. Yeah. And what the hell just happened? Yeah, reality. I'm not that person in there. Has that been a struggle lately? Like, what have you been going through? You know, people always think, oh, it's, you know, sunshine and rainbows and it's, it's not, but everything becomes manageable. I'm going to share something with you that this would be the first time I've publicly sent this because it's been extremely personal to me and my family. But it has gotten um, extra mentally worse over the last two months that I've been dealing with. But when, um, so my oldest daughter is 23. When she was 16, so seven years ago, I was deep in my, my, I was actually still right around the time I was just ending taking pills, but I was drinking smoke and pot and taking pills. Um, she went through a high school party and we get a phone call like 12 o'clock at night from a friend. Hey, you guys need to come and pick up hell. He's something happened and we're like, what the hell is going on? What the hell is going on? We're, you know, we're on the way. And it was a birthday party that she had went to that was hosted by some college guys and we get there and my daughter's fucking like just out of control, crying and shaking and and I'm like, what happened? Apparently, um, my daughter drank some alcohol for, I don't know if we're the first time, but she drank enough alcohol, where she passed out. And one of the college guys ended up raping her while she was passed out. And the first thing I wanted to do was, I mean, I do, I was shaking like I, I, I look back at my daughter and I'm like, I'll be right back. I was about to go walk into the house and kill this motherfucker to be completely honest, which in my daughter was like, no, dad, no, no, no, let, let, let, let, just leave. I just want to leave. I want to leave this place. I want to go. So, so we get into the whole detectives and go through all that process and during the process of being interviewed by the detectives and the psychiatric people, my daughter revealed to the detectives and the, and the psychiatric people that ages 5, 11 and 13, my own brother had molested her. And I felt like a failure as a father. I felt like I couldn't protect my own daughter. And man, that, that drove me into a six month bender of drugs and alcohol that was one of my worst that I've ever went through because I honestly didn't want to live. And I never shared that because I just wasn't ready to do it. But two years, I think I'm, I'm, I, I want people to understand that, you know, addiction is a disease. But man, some of us go through some shit and life fit and I can see why people snap sometimes. I get it. I, I do. I get it. But I could have handled a little bit better because I, I mentally was not there for my daughter during the most tragic time in her life where she needed her dad to be there, to comfort her, to console her. And I was a, you know, a blivering, alcoholic drug addict passed out in the couch, just not wanting to even think about the whole, the whole ordeal. So we go to court and all that stuff and I don't know how your court system is with, with child pedophiles, but because my brother was a Army veteran of 27 years and never been in trouble in his entire life, which he never did. He was never alcoholic, never drug addict. He got 13 weekends in jail. And that was it. And I think he spent 10 of them in jail on the weekends and then that was it. It was, it was, it was done in over with. That's all you ever had to do. And then they said, no more contact with my family, me and my, the rest of my kids, he can't be with them 500 feet of me and my family ever like again. And so I never really got over that. My daughter's never really gotten over that. She blamed me for a long time, which is part of the reason why our relationship had been rocky just because she kind of thought I was supposed to be the protecting father and be there. So fast forward seven years and two months ago, my sister had my middle daughter come over and spend the night with her. And my sister's only one year older than my oldest daughter. She's like my half-sister, my dad had her with another lady. And they're really close. She's in, she's in my sister's a great aunt to my kids. And she noticed that there, my middle daughter just wasn't acting right. Like there was something not. So they got to talking and my sister, you know, looked at my middle daughter and she said, can I ask you something? She said, yeah, what? She said, um, I might have let him mention his name, but my brother, she said, did he ever touch you? And my middle daughter looked at my sister and said, yeah, um, and my sister looked at my middle daughter and said, he touched me too. So two months ago, my sister comes over to our house and she's like, I need to talk to you and your wife. I was like, okay, what's going on? She's like, I'm, you know, our brother sexually molested me. She said, and I have to tell you that, I'm, she also molested your middle daughter. And I also have to tell you that she also molested your youngest daughter. So all three of my daughters and my sister, I lost it, and this is during sobriety. This is like when I think that, you know, I'm sober and life is great. And the sun shines at fucking rainbows and everything that I've ever wanted. I'm given and now I'm dealing with this the heaviest thing that I've ever had to deal with in my entire life. And I'm not going to lie for about 30 seconds. I thought about drinking. It was only about 30 seconds. And, and, and that, that demon came into my brain and was like, fuck it, go to the liquor store and, and get some liquor and get some alcohol and, and forget about it. But then something clicked in my head. And it said, no, motherfucker, don't give him the power. He has taken too much from you. Don't let anything ever in this world take your sobriety from you. You've earned it. And it went away. It like, it was that quick. And that like no fucking way, nothing's taken as for me. I don't care what I go through. This is the most important thing to me because with how did I lose everything that I have worked for, everything that I've loved and everything that I've ever wanted. So now, my brother, he was hiding out in Pennsylvania. And on January the 19th, he was picked up. He came into Maryland for something in the state police picked him up. He has been in jail since January 19th. On no bond. He's being charged with 12 counts of two counts of rape to a family member, three counts of child endangerment, three counts of sexual assault to a child and or family member. And he's more than likely. He's never, he's never getting out of prison because just in two rape charges are 25 years apiece. And he's 56, I'm 46, 10 years older than me. And then the other 10 charges are 10 years apiece. It's been really hard for me to just go through my head. When I grew up, my brother was a great brother to me, man. He was a good dude. It took care of me, took me to movies, played with me, showed me things in the world like he was, I can never take that form. He was a great big brother to me. And for him to do that to my children, not one, not two, but all three of them, the evil of me came out. And I couldn't say this to my mother because God, I mean, I tried to put myself in my mother's shoes. I'm emphasizing with my mom because it's her son. And who the hell wants your kid to go to prison? Much less find out that your child must have drunk grandkids. But I wanted to look at her in the eye and be like, I hope that motherfucker gets killed in jail. Because we know what happens to those guys in jail. Those guys don't play around. You don't touch kids or your family members or friends, or parents. It's a taboo thing for even hardcore killers and criminals. That's just one thing you don't do. But I couldn't bring myself to say that to my mom because my heart was hurting for her. I've been trying to contemplate, man. I think your empathy has come into play to him. I mean, sorry, I need a second. Fuck, man, I'm so sorry. With somebody's been through that, I'm just so sorry that what your daughters have been through that is. Man, I've been trying to find the silver lining in it because you know, they try to say that everything happens for a reason. And I'm trying to trust the process. But man, why I kid, man, why, what am I supposed to learn from this? How is this supposed to mean something that makes me a better sober parent and friend or son? How is this supposed to be part of my growth? And I get what happens to me. I get why I suffer for 27 years. I get it. Yeah. I don't get why kids are hurt in this way. I just I don't see a purpose in it ever. The only thing I can hope is if there's knowing the patterns of people that are sick in that way, and it is, it's a real evil illness, that there's most likely some others out there. And you know, I guess it coming to light that maybe there potentially could have been others, and that strength for all of you guys to come forward that maybe it's put put a stop to it, you know. And to be honest, which I've been contemplating publicly sharing, but then I was like, you know what? Maybe I could just help one more person with this story too. Yeah. Maybe I could give the somebody the strength to speak up about something that happened to them that they've been so, you know, and the kids don't say nothing because they're ashamed. They think it's their fault, man. Yeah. They're embarrassed, and they don't want to tell anybody because they think it's their fault. It's not. And I want people to understand that if it has happened to you or you know somebody that has had to, it's not your fault. The person that did it is sick. And I'm sorry, but jail does not do nothing for these people. They literally have a mental sickness that they need to be in a hospital, met it up for the rest of their lives because I don't think that's something that can be fixed. It's something that's in their DNA. It's a pure evil, like you said, man. It's pure evil that walks this earth. Yeah. It is. And yes, you're right. And that's exactly what I went through thinking it was my fault. No, I'm not trying to deflect over here, but to mirror what you're saying. It's exactly what I felt. Shame and guilt. And I spent a lot of time trying to find the next pretty girl to prove how masculine I was because it was a man that took advantage of me at six years old, right? And masking with, but you know, some drugs, a lot of alcohol. But, uh, what? The only thing I can think of is, um, I'm going through this sober now and finding about it now that I'm sober, so that I could actually be there now. And I actually can console my daughters and make sure that they get to the therapy sessions with their doctors and make sure that they have a shoulder to cry on. And, um, oh, damn, I can't believe I fucking forgot. I left totally left his out, man. So during this whole thing, you know, my mom, you know, she's, she's frantic, you know, she's like just, you know, she can't believe it. She's just with, she's in all the like the best of us. And, um, my wife goes over to her, the house that picked up my grand someone day. And my mom's got all these drawers open and she's, you know, thumbing through all these paperwork and then my wife's like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm looking for this piece of paper. You know, I've got to find this piece of paper, you know, and my wife said, what, what, you know, what are you looking for? And my mom looks at my wife and she says, you need to sit down. I got to tell you something. I can't believe I forgot to say this. And she looks at my wife and she says, um, do you remember that guy I was dating six years ago? My mom and I'm like, and my wife says, yeah, I'm not going to mention the name because he has passed away since and I don't want his kids to blame her. She said, well, um, my middle daughter, I wrote my mother a note one night. And the note said, can you please have your boyfriend stop? Can you please tell him to stop? My mom, I just want him to stop. And, uh, she says, but please don't tell my daddy because I don't want to lose my daddy because if he finds out he'll kill him. And my wife looked at my mom and was like, so that's why you broke up with this guy. And she says, yeah, she said it was in because it wasn't abrupt breakup. It was like, they were going out for four years. He had bought my mom a ring. You know, they're both older people and they were going to settle down together. But one day we went over to my mom's house and all his stuff was outside. His daughters were coming to the house to get it. She wouldn't even let him back in the house and she wouldn't tell us why. We'll be fine. During all this that he had been touching my middle daughter as well. And, um, but that note man, for my daughter saying, please don't tell my daddy because I don't want to lose my daddy. Um, yeah, I've just been, I just really haven't been myself the last two months. Man, I've been, I've been holding onto my sobriety with a thin line brother. But that's possible. And, you know, we're going to go through some shit. And sobriety is not all fucking, you know, the best things in the world where life still happens on life's terms. It doesn't give a shit if you're sober or not. It's how we deal with it. Yeah. And they think they say that, you know, the the best thing to worst things about getting the sober is you get your feelings back. Both on both, on both ends and, um, learning to deal with my feelings at 46 years old is like, you know, me going through puberty at 14. And it's a whole new experience because I've never been through it before because I've always been inebriated. I've always been under substance abuse. Yeah. Yeah. But you're right. And I'll say it if I was like, you're running buddy at that time and you found out when you were drinking, I would have helped you kill the fucking guy. Dude, I, I had some people, I had some people ready. I'm not trying to say that to be a threat, but I just know that I wouldn't have been able to manage. I'm hearing what you're saying manage my emotions to process because it's hard just hearing it from you as my friend and, and, you know, I'm just I'm worried for your daughters whom I've never met and your wife and yeah, it's just fuck. Yeah. No, I actually, um, the first person I told was was a brother of mine, a sort of in the Marine Corps with. And I trust him with, dude, I trust his mother, fuck it with my life. Like he's just wanted the most standup guys, if not the most standup guy I've ever had to privilege of of knowing in my entire life. And I called him. I was as fucking hysterical crying. I was like, dude, I gotta tell you something. I got to tell somebody. I said, because the pound tells him I'm gonna fucking explode. And I told him and dead silent on the other end. And his his first sentence was, where's your brother at right now? And I was like, he's in jail. He said, that motherfucker's lucky. He said, because I was about to walk out of my front door. He said, I can bring him to your front door and a silver fucking platter. He goes in a whole window of care. What happened to me? And he just went off for 15 minutes about, you know, what he would do this that and the other. And he says, your brother's lucky. He's in jail. I said, I appreciate you saying that. And I know you would do that. But then you would have ruined your life. And too many lives have been ruined. Yeah. Um, too many lives have been ruined. I mean, I don't, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let it ruin another life, man. I can't. Well, I'm glad. And, you know, did you study, you know, you and the Mrs. And I know that proactive and the father you've become now. And I, you know, I wish we lived closer to so that we could fellowship more. But, you know, I just, boy, I'm just happy to hear that they're, you know, they're getting some help. I mean, that's what they have to do. Yeah. You know, people, I was listening to a really ironically this morning thing of, you know, some trauma stuff going on with with my family. My son hasn't been living with me. It's a whole nother list of things. In reality, it's like, I'm trying to figure out where to like take total ownership in that. But I'm like, I don't know that I actually did anything. I think it's just again, back to that boundary thing and somebody not making that. But anyways, good boy, Matt, he was talking about trauma and the thing that people don't understand is that, you know, they, they hear the event, which this, you know, I mean, again, I think it's the, I think it's the lowest thing you could do to, to a human. I'm going to say that, you know, with the exception of, you know, like a torturous death. Right. But the traumatic event happens. It happens to our body. It happens in us. But the people know that and acknowledge it, but they forget how widespread that can go to things, you know, like you said, you know, you're, you're wonderful children. They become silent. They become distant grade suffer attitudes change. All these things. And that stuff can trickle down and it, you know, a trauma happens. It affects the whole family. It affects everyone that loves that person, you know, and the healing can happen though. That was a good thing that you left with the thing of hope. And so I'm just so glad that, that, you know, the help is happening because it can. And it can. And I'm here to tell you, you know, granted it took me to where I was to acknowledge, but it's something the story has changed for me. And I don't know if I'm just sharing this to maybe help you, maybe something you share with the misses is I went a sick individual wanted to take my energy, my innocence for whatever reason, whatever it happened to them or whatever broken thing in them. And I just made a decision. You know, when I told my significant other, I told her, I'm like, I'm just not, I'm not going to let that be there anymore, you know. And it, but it took me, it took me this last two years of go around to see that. So I'm just sharing that as, again, not to deflect attention over here, but, but maybe share with you that, you know, share with the misses it can happen. If your daughters can change the story about what happened to them, that it says nothing about them and everything about the other individual. And it's fucking hard. And it's hard. And I can't imagine, you know, I don't, I don't know, it's, you know, worse for a girl than a, than a boy. I don't know. I'm not here to speculate. I just, I don't know. It's just and this is going to sound so weird, but I'm, I'm grateful to have the tools now to be able to guide them hopefully away from addiction. Because this is something that my daughter's grades haven't suffered. She's been failing classes for this whole year. I'm like, what the hell is going on? You're, you're a, maybe student last year. Hopefully I can just steer them in a direction and show them that we don't have to deal with our traumas in life through alcohol and drug addiction. We can, there's got to be a silver lining in this. There has to be. That's the one thing at the hook, that word hope is huge for me. I have to hope that there's something to be learned about this. That I can, that I can, I can, I can make positive, I can twist it somehow to be a positive thing that has happened. To maybe where they, they have the strength to help other girls or other little boys or, you know, somebody else that they can say, I've been through that and this is how I dealt with it. This is what we have to do. These are the channels that you have to go through and we can be okay. It doesn't have to control when we consume our lives for the rest of our lives. It's a part of us, but it doesn't have to take the energy from us and destroy our futures. Because it, and it can, and it can. I mean, you've been through your traumas. I've been through mine and it can, but it doesn't have to. You're right. It's exactly, that's exactly what they need, in my opinion, need to know. I mean, we, I think we forget as people is how fucking strong we are, man. When, when, when we, I'm dealing with this guy I went to rehab with and, you know, tomorrow is my, my two year sober date and we were in rehab together. And last couple months, man, he's been sending me these off the wall, crazy ass messages. And my, my messenger and, and on Instagram and on Facebook. And I'm like, I'm reading them and I'm like, that doesn't sound right. That's not adding up. Just like, I could just see through the bullshitting attacks. So I was like, hey, I was like, hey, man, are you using? And dude, no shit like 12, 15 messages. And they were all, you're a motherfucker. You know, you don't know what I'm like. And I was like, yep, you're using how I was like, when you want to get help again and you want to change your life and you want to admit and have some accountability of your actions, then call me. I said, other than that, I'm not going to go back and forth with you on this. From months I didn't hear enough from him. Literally two days ago, I get 10 messages. Amen. I just want to apologize for the way I've been acting. As you know, where you may have realized I've been using a slip again and I could really use your help. I know you have contacts in the recovery community now and you do all these podcasts and I really need help. I'm really lost. And I just don't know what to do. And I was in a barrister and I was ashamed that I slipped up again, but I just really need your help. And I was like, you know, man, that's what I was waiting for. That's all I was waiting for was that accountability that just slipped up. You admitted it and you want to make the change again. Now I am willing to help you. And I hate to be kind of like that. But I've learned through talking to other people when we're in our addictive slumber. You know, we do the repeater. We say the same shit over and over again. And it's the whole woe is me. Why is it happening to me? We blame everybody. But that minute that we take responsibility for our actions. And we're like, you know what? I need to make that change. That's that's that light man that that opens up. And you can see that person has acknowledged that they need the help and they're willing to make that help. Um, um, take that help. Sorry. And that's when I don't think I'm wasting my time because it's I don't know if you do it's hard to talk and do it drunk. It's sorry. Do you go into the Hawk? Was I like that? Yeah, I was. Oh, yeah. I'll do it. You know, many times I've heard out my wife. I was like, was I like that? She looks at me. She's no damn you were worse. I know that wasn't. No. There's no possible way. She's like, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm like, oh, my god, man. Wow, we put our family through some shit. But it's good. It's good, man. The Knock and Doors down book shares all the history and inspiration behind the Carlos Vera Foundation and how it all started. All proceeds from the book benefit the Carlos Vera foundations race to be drug free campaign. So what's that all about? Through the race to be drug free campaign Carlos Vera Foundation raises awareness about drug abuse donates to drug free programs and brings drug free speakers into schools to educate youth. The race to be drug free campaigns main program is the gloves not drugs boxing program. This program is completely free for kids between the ages of eight and 17 to learn discipline, strength, respect, camaraderie and the art of boxing. The program was created to keep kids off the streets out of gangs and away from drugs for more info and to get involved, check out Carlos Vera foundation dot org. But here's the thing with that is like, you know, yeah, we can have empathy for the fellow addict that slipped or not yet sought recovery. But guess what? There's a shit ton of people in line behind you that are serious and do want to help. And that's who I have time for. I'm sorry. Yes. It doesn't mean, you know, doesn't mean I don't have love for you. But and again, empathy, but I'm not going to get down and pick you up. I'll get down on the ground and champion it. Hey, come on. Let's go. Let's get ourselves up. But I don't have the time. We'll stand up together exactly, but I'm not going to pick you up. 100%. It's and I hate to say this word. It's almost the waste of your energy and your time. Because we know, dude, we can pack their bags. Welcome to the front door. Make their bed. But if they're not willing and ready to go on their own accord, we've just wasted our energy on somebody that doesn't care about themselves. And that's the truth of addiction, which really does suck. And it's amazing. You know, through all this, but through all this shit that we're going through for the last two months, I'm still getting messages from people I've never met before about a podcast that I did six months ago about how it's helped them. And that has been a really big light for me during this whole thing because it's like keep going, keep going, keep going. You're still getting these messages, you're still getting these messages. People are listening through your podcast. You're reaching people, keep going, keep going. So I now know that not only for myself, but I have a responsibility to people I've never met before that, that I can show them that no matter what we can just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. And that's the most important thing, man. Just keep pushing forward every single day. Now I got a beautiful message two weeks ago from my cousin's ex-husband who I've known since I was 12 years old. So he's, I've known him I've pretty much my whole entire life. He's now recently married and he has a stepdaughter. And two weeks ago, he said, hey, can I have a message on Facebook? Can I have yourself a number? I got a call real quick. I was, yeah, I should have a problem, but hand him a self-phone number. I didn't hear nothing. They goes by, two days goodbye. And I get this random friend request from this young lady that I've never seen or heard before. And I was like, okay, because I look down and she was following some people in recovery. And usually if I look down, you got about five to eight people that you're following are recovery, it's recovery based. So I'm like, yeah, you might want to ask me a question, absolutely. So I said, yes. Next thing I know I get this long huge message, hey, this is so-and-so. I'm such as such a stepdaughter. And I'm like, hey, what's going on? She's like, he told me to reach out to you. She's like, I'm an alcoholic and I'm going to rehab today at 6 p.m. And I really need to talk to you. I've watched two of your podcasts today and I really need your help. I got off work at two o'clock at three o'clock, I was on the phone with this girl and I talked to her from three to five 20 as she was getting into the car, driving to the airport, going down to Florida to White Sands rehab. And I spoke to her for two and a half hours on speaker while she's driving in the car with her mother. And just telling her everything that has helped me through rehab and what to expect when you get there and how to stay positive and just, you know, I use this. I said, it's, you know, it's not the school that the kid goes to. It's the kid that goes to the school. I was a, there's going to be people there that don't like that rehab center and they're going to bitch a complain about their what they have to do and the times that they have to, I got to make my bed and I got to be at this place. Yeah, you do. But if you make the best of what you have in front of you and you take advantage towards trying to teach you, you're going to learn and you're going to come out of better person. And she's messaged me every single day for the last five days. Dude, it's a different rehab than I was at. They get their fucking cell phones for two hours a day. And I'm like, what the hell is this shit? They took our cell phones, they took razors, they took everything from us. And we got two, 15 minute phone calls a week to call home. And these people get their cell phones. I'm like, what the hell is this? But, uh, yeah, hey, Tim, it varies for Pete. If it helps, I couldn't even fucking afford to go to rehab. If I did, I would have come home like out on the street. So, but, but you're right. And like everyone I, I talked to that has and, and you know, my dad went through, I think three treatment centers. But like, you, you nailed it. You have to be willing to go to school. Like, ask, get there, learn, get under the learning tree, ask some questions. You know, that's, you know, at meetings like afterwards, like, yeah, please come up. You got a question on my share or whatever, ask. Let's talk about that's why it's here to start the conversation. Yeah. Yeah. And that's what I told her. I was like, do me a favor. I was like, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I said, this is my number one thing. I said, don't get into a goddamn rehab. Romance, please. I was like, you are not there to make friends. You are not there to be popular. You were there for you. When you leave there in 30 or 60 days, however long you're going to be there, you're leaving that place with you and you only and you need to take everything that you can. I was like, I'm telling you from experience. When you leave those doors, there might be two or three people that you stay in contact with that genuinely care about what happens to you after you leave that rehab center. The rest of those people are just a Biden time until the day comes for them to leave, take it full advantage of what they're offering and know what's for you. Yeah. No, and you're right. So, you know, as I tell people with the exception of someone such as yourself that has been in a long-term marriage or if you're in a long-term relationship and that other person is sober, give it a good calendar year before you even think about dating again, especially depending on what your substance was. Because you're not allowed to shit that ain't going to come back to full functionality like for quite a while. Maybe ever. Right. No, for real. Yeah. So, let's see if you can keep a house plan alive. Then maybe think about a pet. And if that's working out and you can do those responsibilities, then the responsibility of having another person take their heart and put it right here in the palm of your hand that you go, oh, yeah, I got to be gentle with this. Then okay. But yeah, wait a fucking year. Waiting for sure. Especially young, young people especially. Oh my God. I couldn't imagine. Like it was hard like dating sober, damn sucks. So, you know, but yeah, just just give it time, man. No, you definitely have to love yourself before you can put out any energy to love somebody else. And most of us who are addicts, unfortunately, at some point in our life, don't love ourselves. Oh yeah. Yeah, and that's why we choose to be complacent and use because we don't like that person looking back at a mirror. How the hell can you love somebody else if you don't like that person standing back at you? It's not possible. I'm sorry. Yeah. I mean, I told my boy forever. I love you. I love you. I love you. But my actions didn't say so. Well, that's true. And that's the point. You know, a lot of people think love is just feeling and butterflies. No, that's what you said right there. It's actions. It's a verb, man. You got it's it's a thing that you do. Here at Knock and Doors Down, we share the stories of people who overcome adversity. You know that already. But what you may not know is that our partners at the Carlos Viera Foundation aim to help people who struggle with their own adversities as well. The Carlos Viera Foundation helps those in need through their race for autism, race to be drug free, and race to end the stigma campaigns. You can also choose the Carlos Viera Foundation as your charitable organization on Amazon smile to contribute as well. To learn more and support these causes, check out all the info at CarlosVieraFoundation.org. My relationship with my wife, no shit is the best. It's been in 25 years since we first got married. I am not even kidding you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. It's like I found my best friend again. It's it's the last, which is kind of weird man. The last two months after finding our relationship has grown so strong. It's so good to have her back. You know what? It's so good to have me back. To be able to love this woman the way that she's meant to be loved and needed and deserves. It's relaff and play and it's a completely different chemistry than it's been in three quarters of our relationship. It's amazing. It's a gift from sobriety. I mean what a testament to, you know, and I hope to meet her someday, hopefully in the near future because man, what a story of love that is right there from that woman standing by, you know. I don't deserve it man. I don't, to be honest, which I don't. I say, I'm going to cut you out. You know what? Maybe, but that's not up to you. Yes. And that's the trippy thing about love. It's not up to us. It's like, you know, like I don't get to control that narrative either. Yeah, I know. Yeah, exactly. Why have they control this man? I like having control. I thought I did. But my whole life has been out of fucking control. We love illusions. That's a whole thing with it. You know, we're soul illusions. You got a society built on a lot of illusions. So, you know, but yeah, I'm glad to hear that man. It's, it really is just the testament of how you can turn this all around, man. You know, and I'm proud to know you and I'll share a little, you know, Tim, I've been through those hard times and I've text you too, man. And just that little message or something, you know, it's, it's a beautiful gift that this thing brought. I never thought I would be like, you know what? If I went on a sober travel, I could go Southern California, Oregon, multiple parts of Canada, Texas, Wyoming, believe it or not, Florida, Maryland, North Dakota, New York, New Jersey, you know, it's like all these people that just through doing this, you know, like how you connected with so many people. I mean, I have monthly check-ins with people from all over Australia. You're sharing your story. Yeah. So this dude, um, Seb, he reached out. He shared that he was about ready to pop it. It pills were his primary drug of choice. And then he caught the Edward furlong episode and then he went down a rabbit hole. One of yours was one of those episodes. And he still it kept him from using. He flushed and that's the drugs. That's why we share this. He was minutes away from it and it just happened to pop up in his YouTube algorithm. Wow, man. That's fucking, oh, that's so awesome, man. Where was it? The guy from Sweden when you and I did like an Instagram live and then he reached out. That has been still one of the most powerful messages I've ever gotten. I have saved that audio on my message about his, his family getting bombed at the Ukraine and all hope is lost. But he heard the message on the live and was like, I kept screaming at my wife. We can't give up hope. We can't give up hope. He said, you got us through and dude, I get so many things that I try to chalk up and explain has no explanation. It's meant to be. You know, and I say it again, I was meant to get so birthday age of 44 and come down this journey in my life. I had to go through that dark, deep place to understand how important of these messages that we do to get out to other people. Dave from Dopey, he just published our episode last night and went live on YouTube this morning. Yeah, it's good. I've already gotten four messages from people I've never met in my entire life. Just from this morning saying, I love how you share me. Thank you so much. I got these questions. And I've messaged them all back. And again, I text Dave, I'll say, hey, man, I got my one. I got my one more person just from you allowing me to share and I appreciate you helping me to reach one more person. And he's like, dude, he's like, I've got messages all day today from that. He says, thank you so much for sharing. He said, you're an amazing storyteller. I want you to come back and share things that you haven't shared before. And we'll do it again, maybe to summer. So it's just amazing. Like you said, the community of people in recovery is outstanding. Well, the more we can find a little seed with one person, then hopefully they share, we can change a lot of the way that people's self narrative is. Yeah. Yeah. It's tough. It's a weird world. We're in a weird, weird world right now. And especially in our country, it's, I don't know, man, you know, it's like, it was funny because I was here in this, like, 60 year old video, maybe between 50 and 60 bitching about millennials, but they're kids in millennials. I'm like, oh, so you're bitching about the kids that you raised, the way that you did it. So in essence, you're just pissed off at yourself. That's like, you know, knowing this person as long as I have, but like you and your wife were the people that like everybody should get a trophy, like the 12th place competitor out of 12 people should get a fucking trophy. Well, you know, no wonder you're dealing with what you're doing with with your kids. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've never understood that. First place is first place, second place is the first lose, the rest of the way I was, I was raised. You were, you were close. Yeah. You got to try, you got to try harder next time if you want that trophy. Yeah, but keep going. Keep going. Absolutely. Try harder, put more effort into it. You will get it. Because that's how life is, man. Yeah. The chip you get tomorrow, the one I got, you know, a couple of weeks ago, I was earned and I was working to get to my hardest competitor myself. And you know what, man, I, um, I'm kind of bummed about tomorrow. Why? Well, because I haven't been in my home group in like three months. Yeah. Um, yeah, my, my, my sponsor hasn't called to check to see if I slipped. Hmm. Nobody from the home group has called to check it for me. So I've been going to this other meeting that was always my like my Sunday night group meeting that I went to just because, um, every Sunday night, they have a new outside speaker come in. Oh, cool. So it, so it's somebody you've never met and they share a brand new story. And I've always liked that because it's like, it's new, it's, it's energizing. You're like, man, wow, you know, it's a new person I never met before and I get to hear a brand new story and I've always liked that. So I've been going to that. And, um, I was like, man, you know, I went there for 18 months. For the first eight, nine months, I went seven days a week, sometimes twice on Saturdays and Sundays. And I poured my heart into this home group and, um, not one person from that home group has called just to say, hey, man, have you slipped? Are you okay? Do you need help? And I kind of was like, you know, what the hell is going on? I was like, I thought I was a part of a family with that home group. And it kind of upset me and it kind of made me have a resentment, which I'm getting over because I don't want to have that. You know, I don't, I don't want to put my energy into that. I'm going to let it go. But I'm not getting a chip tomorrow, man. That's somebody buys me one. You know what I'm saying? So, like, I told my wife, like three days ago, she's like, you excited for Sunday? I don't know, I get a guess. Like, you can't wait to get your chair, but I look at her and I'm like, I'm on. She's like, what do you mean? I don't say I haven't nobody from my home group has reached out to me. I'm, I mean, my name's on the book, you know, to me, my, my, my dates up on the wall. I was like, unless, unless I get a call or something from my sponsor, which is he hasn't called me in three months, I was like, I'm going to have to end up buying my own chip. And she said, well, she just looked at me. Are you serious? And I'm like, it's no big deal. I learned it. I said, I'll buy it myself. I was like, I learned it. I was like, it's not a big deal. She's like, well, I wish you were to tell me just two weeks ago. She said, I would have got on the recovery page and got one and presented it to you. Because it's kind of cool, dude. My dad called me since being sober. Our relationship has gotten closer. And he called me on Tuesday of this week. Hey, son, how you doing? I'm like doing good. Didn't need telling him enough. He's like, you're two years of Friday dates coming up, isn't it? And I said, yeah, how'd you know? He's like, I remember son. He's like, you know, I was I'm proud of you. He's like, it's Sunday, right? And I'm like, yes. And that dude, that kind of made me tear up because I just didn't think he knew. He's like, I'd like to take you and and and Jennifer out to dinner. He's like to celebrate your two years. And I'm like, that sounds awesome. He goes, and I told your mom I was doing this. And now, of course, she wants to come to that. Okay. And I said, absolutely, you know, we'll go out to dinner, stuff like that. But that was just cool for for that that relationship with my father's has been getting better and better and we talk a little bit more. And he just I can tell. You know, he's getting older. He's 77. And he's apologized for a lot of shit the last couple months that you see. You know, I just, you know, I was kind of self-centered. I just want you to know, I've always loved you. I just, you know, and seeing you sober has has made me reflect on my past. He goes, and I'm sorry. I love you. You know, and I'm just hearing that from a son from a father that I've missed and I blamed him for a lot of my years of addiction is really touching to me. And Thursday, I don't call it my oldest daughter calls me. And she's a, hey, dad, on Sundays or two years, isn't it? And I was like, yeah, she's so, so proud of you. She's like, is there any way you and I on next Saturday, can we go out and just have a dad daughter dinner? And I was like, absolutely. I was like, I am so grateful that you asked me to do that. She says, yeah, she's having one to do it. And we mentioned it once a couple months ago, but neither one of us followed up. She said, but I really just want to go out with you and me and just go to dinner. And she's like, and just talk and, and, you know, rekindle, you know, our relationship, make it better. You know what I mean? So it's just beautiful, man. Those are the wonderful gifts. And I mean, that one where you can have a parent be able to recognize some of the stuff. It, it, not all of us get that. And it, but when the ones of us that do, man, it lightens the load of that baggage that we've been trying to dump, you know. And you get a breakthrough with that vulnerability and there's so much connection there. It's just, that's fucking awesome, man. I'm proud of you. I'm going to, I'm virtually in you at token. So I got a shit ton of people that text me token. So I'm texting you at token because Amazon won't get one to your door in time. Yeah, yeah, that's cool. I mean, you know, I mean, it's right here, man. I got my two years right here. I don't, I know the tokens are cool when I look at it, but you know what I'm going to do with it. I'm going to put it in my software with my other tokens. And when I open up my software, I'm like, that's my two year, that's my two year. But in all reality, it's in here and it's up here. And as long as I know that and I put in the effort and I know I'm truthfully and honestly sober and put in the work and doing everything that I have to do to say sober, that's that's the gift. That's the true gift. Now let me fuck you up on this one, Tim. This just occurred to me, our token in addition to that and all the other people that speak up like we do. Thanks to technology. It's out there forever now. I know. Man, you know, it's kind of weird about you saying that. That's crazy. I'm watching a lot of this weird, I don't know, maybe last couple of weeks I've been watching this dude. He's called the Seatbelt Psychic. His name's Tom is something. He's on TikTok. Okay. He's like an Uber driver, but people get into his car and he's like, uh, can I tell you something? I'm in the medium and I feel, you know, Todd is coming in and they both look at each other and whatever and he starts talking about it. And um, and I was laying a bed the other night and I was like, heaven forbid, if something should happen now in my life, heaven forbid, if I should not wake up tomorrow for the first time in my life. I'm okay because what I've done will be out there forever and I will always forever be able to help somebody even when I'm not here and what a powerful gift that sobriety has given me to be able to do that. What I what we are doing, what you do, what what anybody who has a podcast and shares their message of a coverage strength, courage and hope will be there like you said forever and long after we're gone, somebody might just open up a knock-in doors down podcast and then watch an episode and be like, wow, you know, this was filmed, you know, 60, 60 years ago and it's still reaching people today and it was like a common in myself. I was like, you know what, if I'm not going to die drunk or addicted to drugs, I'm going to die sober and I finally did up something with my life. I found a purpose before I was able to go and I'm at peace with that. I'm cool with it. I think for me, it's um, one of my close friends that I worked with a long time in radio, his brother who did a lot in our local community was a retired police officer when he was passing my friend's share with me that he said to me, said, I'm not afraid to go, I have my faith. There was just so much more I wanted to do to help. Yeah. That stuck with me the days that I have like I've texted you, you know, I still struggling with the depression at times and going through this stuff. But you know, it's that. It's that idea of hanging on to that. There's still so much more to do, you know, it gets me up, it gets me going, it gets me aware, you know, nah, nobody's listening or you know, what's the point of going into the office today or whatever it is, you know, and it's just getting out of my own fucking way. Yeah. That's why I keep it simple, just one more person. Just one more man. And as long as I keep that in my head, just one more, one more today, just one more today. And then before I know it, 365 is going by and that's 365 more people that I helped out here, just one more man. You know, that that that truly does help me keep going. If I can just just put a little little something in their head, just a tiny, even if it's a sentence, man, that maybe in their darkest hour, my little sentence pops in her head and helps switch their mind set for that moment. That's awesome. That's powerful. Sometimes it's all we need, right? That's absolutely. Like you said, 30 seconds, you thought about drinking 30 seconds later. It was gone. That's sometimes that's all we need. You know, and, and, you know, they tell you 15 minutes, you shall pass 15 minutes, you're 15 minutes. I think I have strengthened my mindset so much in the last two years that even my my own mind was like, no, fuck, we're done. No, no, we're not giving it to them. No. And that wasn't even like, it wasn't what I was thinking at that moment. It was just like something was like, nope, not this, not this, nobody's taking this. Yeah. Hell yeah. It's the ultimate boundary right there. Yeah. Yeah. I know, I know now, dude, no matter what I go through, I can make it through because death unfortunately is a part of life that's going to happen. If I can get through something like this that's happened that nobody, no parent, nobody should fucking go through. That is not something anybody should have to deal with, especially kids. If I can get through that, that anything else that comes my way is going to be a fucking piece of cake, man. Dang, man, I don't even know if we should do random questions and finish this one up. I guess we will absolutely match our thing. All right, let's have some fun. Random questions, of course, brought to you by 5150 LTM. Tim Lodgen has some hats and shirts, in a matter of fact, a lifestyle brand with a purpose. Just click that link in the podcast description, use the code KDD20 for 20% off. All right. I got to try to pull new ones because I probably talked about the vast majority of them. Last song you intentionally played. Fighter from Tom McDonald. I've listened to that every day in the morning on the way to work for the last two weeks. Really? Dude, it's a bad song. You know, when you don't believe in yourself, I believe in you, dude, the lyrics are insane. It just really is hit home for the last two weeks. Have you had anyone ask you about spiritual awakening and if so, how did you explain it? I've had a couple people ask me about if God exists. And I said, well, what is, yeah, my answer was what has got to you. My God exists. And I know I had a spiritual awakening in that and at airport. And I cannot explain that. And I don't want to try to explain it because it was a beautiful, beautiful gift that I was fortunate enough to receive. And it has opened my eyes that we are 100% not alone, that our loved ones are still with us in some way, shape, or form. And they look out for us until the day that we meet them. Absolutely. Three things you're grateful for. My wife, my sobriety, and ability to help one more person. This is the Knock and Dores down podcast featuring celebrities, experts, and everyday people who have overcome adversities, including addiction, mental health, and trauma to live purposeful lives. And that's what Knock and Dores down is all about.