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What if comparing car insurance rates was as easy as putting on your favorite podcast? With Progressive, it is. Just visit the Progressive website to quote with all the coverages you want. You'll see Progressive's direct rate, then their tool will provide options from other companies so you can compare. All you need to do is choose the rate and coverage you like. Quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 29 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates, comparison rates not available in all states or situations, prices vary based on how you buy. Hey David, what's the date? March 16th. No, it's not. We're pre-recording this. That's where we've got a choice to lie, but I said no, our podcast doesn't lie. Did you like that I immediately lied? Well look, I'm here to bust you on it. That's why we're partners. That's true. Yeah. You lie like a cool breeze. I like a rug. You lie like a lie. We got Bert Kreischer. Bert Kreischer has a special out today. Razzle dazzle. That's a good name. Bert Kreischer has a special Razzle dazzle. By the way, Dan, I got a lot of good feedback from the Brendan Frazier show. Okay. What was producer even said? He was in the way, you should do a movie about your dick called the Mino. I don't know. I got the podcast. I got so much going on right now. Why would the producer have an opinion about the size of your appendage? Is it guesswork based on thumb size? He says don't get mad. I'm just brainstorming. I go all right. Well, listen, there's no bad ideas. He told me the same thing. I should have a special call Big Cock. I go, I don't work blue, but I said that's kind of little pubes. It's Big Cock on Netflix. Yeah. This is good for the Bert intro because this is right. We got kind of Ronti with Bert. Why don't they say it's a compliment? A guy's hung like a rhino. If you've ever seen rhino genitalia, they're not known for big ones. What the size is. Well, you can't compete with the horn in the front. They say rhino's winners are about that. That's why they're going extinct. Yeah. No one wants to fuck him even up the female rankings. No, we've gone R and Greg. We were pretty in heaven. Are the hapies I've seen? Are crew here right now? We got, he talks about going on a dating quotes with Lil Smith. Remember? Yes. Yeah. He's a great storyteller. He's a sober when he does our podcast. So his energy is off the charts. He's like kind of human zannocks. I mean, he is just a cheerful fun human. What does he kind of call me down? Because he's so effusive. And he tells this great story about interacting with Will Smith. A sterical. He's very, he's very huggable. He's a hugger a few times during it. He can't hear to do it. He didn't mind it, but when you snuck up from behind him and really... You know what I did? I hid in his chest here and then no one said anything. And then he started talking and I go, Jeff Rye. You're that small. You can hide in chest. And then I saw someone his pubes. I go, I don't want to give it away. He also thought to us. That's the movie you should make. It's just called Tiny Man, not a... Tiny Man. And they just... Yeah, man. And he and I bond over our mutual fear of flying and our need to have an adult beverage while we're flying. Yeah, yeah. So we actually, he'd levitated out of his seat when he found out that some tactics I do on a morning flight to get a cocktail. Because I don't like flying. David loves it. I hate flying. I flew this week. I was stuck in coach because of Covid, some lemony, snickety unfortunate events. So I'm in the back and they have like a literally a one foot curtain like this. So I can't see the peel in first class. So I'd go like this. And they go, don't look at the rich people, sir. What a hot one. And then someone was watching King Kong on their thing and I was trying to watch between the cracks and I see Jack Black and they block it with their arm. Like, fuck man. Come on, let me watch this. Because you didn't have a reason to coach. I never think we're going to give people sending you devices to watch. I'm going to send you a mini iPad. No, I think I think I got confused because when I got to the gate, I go, put me in coach. And then he got, they go, okay. And I go, no, I didn't mean put me in coach. They actually didn't even have a keyboard. They just went like, okay, so what else can I do? Stuff that happens on the road. That's your next book. My throat is a little trash, but David has not intentionally got a sultry voice. It's from performing, right? I apologize for the sexiness. Yeah. But it's good, you know. I feel like I'm still out there trying. Hey, kid, I'm going to talk like Harrison Ford the rest of the time we do at. What's a problem, kid? Oh, God, I did joke my voice. Keep thinking about it. Anyway, that's it. All right, let's just keep going. Enough about us. Oh, yeah. A doctor said, try not to interrupt people for a week. And I said, oh, no, come on. Oh, we practice cross. Talk to me that twice a week. It's like training. We get on the phone and go, I'll talk to you. Talk over each other. Just to keep in shape, because having for a bit, we let the other guy talk. Do you want to practice? Fuck these guests. I mean, they talk to you. I don't know why everyone's trying to talk about it. He's going to talk a lot. He's going to talk a lot. I'm going to love Bert. Bye. Bye. So I was going to do, um, I got to offer right a self-help book. Here's my pitch, okay? I think you guys will understand this. Well, definitely. We're all over this. I was listening to your broadcast. I have more fear of flying and more neurosis around flying and having beer than you do. If that's possible. I should fly together. I would like to go to for a title, because my flying has got I remember one time. So I'm ritualistic when I fly. Before I fly in the shower, I have to wash every part of my body. And then I have to squat down like a cat to stay prayers. And I do certain rituals in my prayers. I circle every family member in my family three times. In case I die, I just make sure they're wrapped in love. And then I do this. I'm just sounding like a fucking lunatic. My name is Bert Christre, guys. I'm actually next to me. No, it's not. No, Bert. When I would occasionally get private jets provider for me, I would have the beer here and going down the runway. And we definitely have to fly together. When we took off, that made the beer go. And that's as we took off. You would drink every time. Don't worry, we cut all the comedy out of this. And this is more of a self-help. And for one with Bert. So I've done so. So in my rituals, I get through my rituals. And then one of the rituals was I had to respect the fear or if I didn't respect the fear, like these other idiots, who were just sitting there thinking, oh, I'm just going to work. Those are the fuckers that die. Because they don't respect the fragility of life. I'm respecting it by drinking my fucking face off and going, this is how we'll get there. I mean, my flying got so bad that like, I mean, now I've flown this month sober in a weird way. I can watch the anxiety creep in. It's almost like a whisper, like an asshole friend. Yeah. Hey, Bert, I just want to remind you, you're going to die. You're going to die. It happens in an instant. Yeah. You won't even care that you're flying. Yeah. You know when planes make that noise, they're going, like when you take off, I think they all do it. But in my head, I always go, this is what you hear in the movies when you're like going down. And I go, no one's even looking that this is a weird noise. Whoa. Well, wait a minute. There's always a point when I think I'll die. David, there's a new flight. This is a commercial flight. But there's the 787 10X. I know every plane. I do too. By the way, I know more about planes and pilots. That's so funny. I know every plane. You see my brother from another bus. I know the seats on every plane. I know where you don't want to sit and where you do want to sit. So there's a key. OK. The 787 engines are so quiet. It flies different than any other plane. And you can fly it from LA to Newark. But you're doing all the short hops. But when I flew back, I took off completely. I just do my breathing. Nothing in me, you know. Because it's too embarrassing. 830 flights. Excuse me. It's embarrassing. You're in a carbie. And you're putting back cocktails. When your bird griser respect. Let me tell you something. Double jack on the rocks lots of rocks. I only drink beer. But my wife only wants coffee. So she'll get coffee in a binocaine. How the fuck did we marry these dead inside human beings? Who can have a cup of coffee? And not respect but the agility of life. For me, she orders a Heineken for herself. Hold on. And then I'll be in a red flare. Me, you in red flare. Hold on. That's swarming out of the city. And I drink mine and hers. And then I put both empty bottles on her tray and go, I can't stop her. She's a lush. Dana, I've never connected more of the human being. Other than my wife, then you right now. This, Rick Flair and I are on a flight. Okay. I'm next to my wife. He's next to his wife. Yes. The lady comes back. She goes, can I get you guys something to drink? What time is it? Seven in the morning. Perfect. At a Charlotte I think. Charlotte's a mother fucker. It's a beast. Can I get you a cocktail? And she goes to Rick. And Rick says, double, a double bloody marry for me and a double bloody marry for her. And he goes, interesting. So he comes over to me. Can I get you a drink? And I said, I'm going to take a double jack on the rocks. He's just like, my underwife, nods. Right. So we both get out of the rocks. What I do is I drink hers first. Yes. Because she's the alcoholic in there. I do it. I look over at Rick Flair's already murdered his wife's drink. And I go, I'm drinking like Rick Flair. Like we all have the same cheat code when we get on a plane. I used to fly with my producer for travel channel and pretend she was my wife so that I could make her drink and I could have her drink. Oh yeah. There's a lot of tricks to the tray. I used to have the early days. I'd have a bucket of 10 beers between my ripe, but she says, yeah, I've way slowed down. I've gotten better. I don't know. But I don't fly like you do. Like I only fly five times a year. So I don't go on. Yeah. But you do, too. You try, you try to do a bus. I live in a bus. Yeah, but I have to fly in and out and I fly to do two bears one cave. I fly. So my week, my month will go. I'll have one week off right now. It's been one bear four caves. Is that how it is? It just mixed up a little bit. There's bears and caves of all kinds. I do. I'll go on the road. I'll do one week on the road. Then I'll do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Austin to do two bears. Then go back straight down the road and then I'll come home for a week. Right now I'm going to my daughter's parents weekend for the my week off. And then I'll go back on a road. Yeah, no shit. And then I go back and I can't even go to work. I'll fucking party with a lot of respect, man. For flying sober on these little hopper planes in in lightning and we're going to ask everyone to take a seat for a while. We're going to have some, you know, have you been traumatized truly terrified on a plane because of an engine failure and stuff like that? I've had a number of, I've had a number of incidents with horrific. I have one time, one time this is one of those clarity moments. I was sitting next to one of my cameraman. We were flying from Canada or from Alaska down to LA and we hit horrible turbulence out over Vancouver Island. And he was like, what is, why are you freaking out over it? And I said, I haven't, I feel like I haven't lived my life. I haven't lived. Like I haven't fulfilled what I want to accomplish in my life. He looks at me and he goes, do you realize how insulting that is? I said, what? He goes, I've been filming you live your life. He goes, I've done nothing, man. Oh, I know. You should be drinking now. That's a funny twist. Why, you know, I've seen flight of tennis, person in tears. I've just honked out, emergency landings. Without the seat belt, I'm not in the seat, things flying around. So then I think, you know, aren't we kind of wired for neurosis in a way? If you're a sensitive instrument and you're comedian, you're trying to notice everything, then I just find the whole premise. I flew in with you into Texas once. Yeah. Well, I'm like powder. You get super calm. Yeah. I feel a lot of things. I feel like water and peter. I use powder as an example as a joke so often. And you know, not in a lot of, you know, the director of that got caught from less than boys. No. Maybe allegedly. I don't know. I mean, maybe someone Google that. That's a ball. But nobody I've used that because I've used powder so much. Powder is one of the best movies ever. Oh, okay. Real tear jerks about a kid that gets, okay, Don, he's got all these powers and he's very sensitive. And I don't have the powers. I'm just a sensitive pussy guy. I thought you meant you guys like powder. You're like sand. No, that might be better. He has, he's hair. Like, I'm a combo between Lucas and powder. Cause I went out for football when I weighed 114 and I got fucking cremated. Why would you go out for one more? I love playing football. Cause I'm talking about football. When tackle football came in and I was 5193, I went to track. I said, yeah, my uncle told me to go to gymnastics. I go, why don't I just blow this? He's like, it's up to you. But you can do that. I across. I can do. I did the horse. I did. You did the formal horse. Yeah, florex. I did. I wonder you're so jack. I was ripped. You were kind of, you're like wiring muscle. It's good if you want to go into friend jail for the rest of your life with all the, there goes a lot of chicks in there and I go, yeah, but I'm their friend. I mean, they, they go, you wouldn't be straight if you were in. I go, could you get girls in high school? No, it was no family. No, it was all, I love the, he's a no family. Well, of course, it's fucking, well, no, ex-fantastic. Well, Mickey Rune told me money, I, money makes your handsomer. That's it. I went from nerdy and geeky to interesting. They go, I like the underdog. I go, oh, that wasn't really the, I do that. I wonder sometimes what kind of pussy I could get now. I would do great. Yeah, because I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm landlocked to this fucking. What? Then a puzzle fucking landlocked. Well, you're a great wife already, because you'll hear this and go hyper. She'll laugh. Like, like, she, she's, she's just, I don't know, I love her. And so like, I do, and I'm, I don't, I've a bit my new special about it, but I, I don't really, I don't really, I never was like, I was never a sex dude. I was more party dude. Like, I was never, I think I'm very sensitive. And so if I, I just wanted to fall in love, I remember, I was telling someone I was, I go to bars in college and everyone was like, hope I get laid. And I was like, I hope I meet someone who understands me. Like, I'm so different. Just put up with me. Yeah, yeah, or someone that wants to just go get pizza and not go to bars anymore. It just hang out. How will you win women who wouldn't have looked at you in high school or college were kind of overtly nervous talking to you? 49? So, and you're, you're 48. 49 now. Well, we have to remind you, I mean, is this Bert Kreischer? Yeah. He is a big time comedian, podcaster, all around. Very interesting past. We were doing some extra digging. I know you a little bit, but we were doing some digging and Dana, of course, doesn't know. I have a photographic memory, Florida State University, which it, it, it, it, it have the Gator bowl. No, that's, that's, that's Florida. Because I played that once. Yeah, I, I think I, I, one might have been there. Well, I'd never seen anything. No, so it was, it was called Gator Gral. Yes. And Tim, when the football players came out, because they all had, it's like close encounters with the third kind. Yeah. They were all stunning. Tim Tibo, right? And when they came, I was behind them. It was beyond the Beatles and Elvis. They went, that was the, that was the team night. Just, a lot of those dudes went to prison. Yeah. Like, well, yeah, I think, well, Tim Tibo was a good guy, but I think Aaron Hernandez was on that team. I think the, the two brothers were on that team because of Harvey Weinstein kind of stuff. I think so. Okay. Well, code for whatever they were at training camp. They didn't know it was for prison. You know, in Tampa was your, oh, here's my first thing. When you're from Tampa, was your first joke? I, I'm a tampon from Tampa. Full blood tampon. Was that one of the, oh, full blooded tampon, even better. Yeah. Fuckin' peppered it up. Well, because he was, I don't know where I'm going. Well, people don't know this. It's just kind of interesting. If, I'll just do it, then you, you became like the college was named the party college of the year. Okay. And then somehow, and that's our college. How would you become the party college guy of the year? Like, why, how did they find you? And then that, you blew up from that. Well, yeah, I, I just answered a rough question about like, what was the, if it wasn't for this, what I would have never gotten a comedy. And it was this in 1997 Rolling Stone magazine wrote an article about me calling me the number one party animal in the country. And it was like in school. At the number one school. So what, what meant to happen was they were meaning to write an article about Florida state. Yeah. And when they got there, they met, they needed a chaperone. So I'm going to take them around. They found me, they just called up a bunch of people. Everyone's like, you can hang with this guy. Birdie's been here seven years. He knows everyone. So they come, they party for. Yeah. I was. I just, I just had, didn't know what I wanted to do. And I was like, I don't, I don't need to leave. Yeah. I'm just going to keep going. Yeah. And so I took this guy around. He goes back, writes the article, Yom Warner's like, this doesn't, it's too broad of a subject. Let's just make it about this kid. So then they, and I am, I have no idea it's going to happen. They end up writing the article about me. I remember getting it. And I was, back was on the cover. And I remember thinking it was me for a second. Yeah. And I was like, great. And I opened it. And it's like a big centerfold of me in a fountain. And the opening line was like, it's taking birth, Christ your six and a half years to become the man he is today. The number one party here at the number one party school in the nation. And it changed my life overnight. This is before fame was like a thing. Yeah. Like where everyone could get it. All of a sudden, I was doing college. That's a good point. Everyone is famous now. Yeah. There's no way under 25 would be famous back then. Oh, in 1997, the real world road rules had just started happening like that within that era. That was the only way you could get famous. But this comes out on I do morning callings all morning long. They just get my number call my room, my house. Oprah, Oprah's people reached out wanting to have me and my parents on. I did. I did just all these huge things. That's what went wrong. Yeah. I think so. Well, I remember going. For Christ our people. And I was an open book. I was like this kid who partied. And if you want to talk to me, I would be like off the record. And they're like, yeah, sure off the record kid. And so I spilled everything. And then. And then this radio station gave me an opportunity to stand up. They were sending them up to fail. Now you guys would both know this. They had four comics that were road dogs go to 20 minutes before me each. And then I closed the show and never having done stand up. Oh, wow. That's a set up. Yeah, it was a set up, but I killed. I had murdered just stream of conscious. Probably usually that was literally the first time. The literal race because usually the first time is good, especially if they said, this is his first time doing stand up. Did they say that? I think it was implied. I think everyone knew because a lot of people, I was also pretty famous at the school. So like a lot of everyone that showed up knew that was a trick. It's like any Murphy getting on stage and everyone's like, oh shit. No, that's not the same. But I got off the morning show. That's amazing. I got to offer their morning show from that thing. Oh, wow. It'd be like, Zuku. I was going to be third Mike. I was going to be third Mike for like a couple months and then I'd take over the show. You ever do it? How many interrupts you? Do you ever do a phone or for radio station? They go, hold please. All right, when we come back, you're going to be on zippy, kuku, a bird, a parakeet, a robot and Jim, Jim, he's going to be in the helicopter. All right, you're on. And I go, what's this? It's a zoo croco. Go, go. And I'm like, who am I talking to? They had caffeine for three hours. Yeah. And they're like, it's Tommy in the bowl. It's usually a guy in an animal. And Shenikwa. They were always there were always horrifically under like just suddenly racistly shit, but they didn't know it because no one was calling a money. Yeah. There was a there was one in Florida called the Q Morning Zoo and they used to do tales from to needless to say. And she would, it was just a black woman ordering McDonald's. And it was like, and it was like a two minute bit and it was just a white dude guy doing what he sat right black woman. Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm white guy doing it. Oh, yeah. What's a black woman? Do you think they were going to go out and we used to do, we had flip, flip Wilson. He did Geraldine. That was what we used to do in high school. And it was just, he'd be a cat to talk like that. That was his cat. And you're doing, you're doing it. You're doing it. You're doing Geraldine. Yeah. Geraldine. Now that sounds fine. That sounds good about, oh, because we have to have some sort of SNL tie-ins because a lot of comedians, you know, are brought up on SNL. You were just talking, you're just mentioning, you might do something with some, I don't know if you want to talk about that, but you were talking about movies and how I thought it was interesting, you just said that Tommy Boy and Blues Brothers were similar in the way that you thought Acred was the farly of that. Yeah. So like, okay, I mean, it's no lie. The, the, you guys, your, your people, the people that you guys all know, the, the, the SSNL and all the actors, all you guys kind of, you know, I'm sure you know this, but you're responsible for not just my sense of humor, but my personality. Like, you know, when you're a kid, you watch certain people and you go, that's, I'm, I'm like, I'm that guy in our friend group, you know, or you don't even know, you just try to act like emulate, like guys, I wouldn't see Caddy Shack. And you just, that's your whole life here. I have now been every character in Caddy Shack in my entire life. I've been, I've been Ty Webb. I've been Bill Murray. I think I'm Rodney Dangerfield now. Yeah. Like, and so, so, so that all those people, like, I am a bluesy, farly guy. That's like, I mean, I read fucking wired and was like the first time I took a physical for a TV show. I did what Belushi did. You know, we're, ah, fucking smoke, drink, dang, and then the lady's like, hey, just so you know, you're not going to be clear to do this TV show. No, yeah. Like what? She was like, let's rip this one up and change our answers. I was like, I seldom really drink. So, but we were talking, we were, we were talking with this guy, Yutanko and Tom and I are doing a project. And we were talking about great buddy comedies and both of you have been in, been in the best buddy comedy movies ever other than Acroid, whoever he stored, started with was always the other, you know, yeah. But we were talking about Tommy Boy and we were saying that immediately you think Belushi is farly and you are Acroid. But when you look at Blues Brothers, technically Acroid is farly and Belushi is you. Because he's more straight-laced. He's the kind of straight man and the entire thing. And and Acroid's one who's putting Super Glue on the pedal and I mean, he's doing all the tricks. He's the one driving crazy. Crazy. It's so fascinating, especially when you start going back, like when you look and realize half of Bill Murray's movies are movies that were supposed to be go to Belushi. Like Ghostbusters was supposed to be Belushi. And then you realize, huh? And then when you look at his, Belushi is real strength, wasn't, I know it sounds crazy that we all see farliest Belushi, but that wasn't Belushi. It really wasn't. He was then continental divide. He was everything he did was a little more straight-laced. The only thing he did was animal house. And even fucking speak. Yeah, that was kind of the physical comedy. Yeah, and it was such a crazy movie around him and he's the star of it. He looks like Andy does popping the zit and told us all physical comedy. Yeah, he doesn't speak. He does do his eyebrows, does facials, and I think he wanted to do more straight stuff. And so did Farley. So when Belushi does continental divide, which not everyone saw, but I thought was interesting with Acroid, I think people are a little disappointed because they weren't as crazy as what you thought it would be. Or neighbors. Oh, yeah, neighbors. Neighbors was where they flipped the roles. Yeah, at the last minute that he goes, he goes, you know, I'm going to play Acroid's part. You play my part. And I'm thinking of neighbors. Yeah, neighbors, yeah. When he goes, stop switching those cuff charges. It's going to be pop city. Yeah. But I go back. Now I go back and this is maybe you guys will know more about this, but what about some like it hot, right? Okay. Who is that? Jack Lilliman and Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe 1962. One, two. So who were is the dynamic when you play two people when you look at Wayne's world? I hate to use you and Farley as the example, but that's like probably the clearest to everyone that this, like you're Farley, Mike's spade, right? Um, that's an interesting question. I don't, I think that Mike and I would should end up working out so nice that we just have different styles, but they melded. So we were both being funny in a different way. Like I love when air was an extremely opposite. It mean Farley, I think we're more supposed to be opposite. I think you were reacting to his shenanigans. But Mike, a lot of times we'll look to the camera and point to you like this guy. Right. Someone's got to be the voice of a reason or something. And someone's got to be. Well, that's true. Mike would, if there was, yeah, some storyline he had to deliver, he would do that. I was just sort of outside of everything in my own little world, me, me and Garth, just sort of. But I loved it. I mean, I love the part where I, you know, like Tom Hanks said to me once, isn't it great to be the guy next to the guy? Because it is Wayne's world, but I got to just kind of float around in it. Oh, so fun to get to score. Yeah. I see that as different. The focus is on you in what way? I don't know. Better to be the guy. I'm ag, I gravitate towards your character. I identify with your character in that. Because I'm always a little bizarre. Like I'm always the off guy. Yeah. As opposed to the guy who knows what's going on. The guy who can drive the story forward. The guy that goes, Hey, we got to go sell these fucking breakpads. We're all going to, and the one guy that goes, I don't know how to sell a breakpad. Yeah. I find it fascinating because the buddy comedy is like such a, it's when done right. And you guys have both are maybe the two examples of dudes who have defined the genre. When done right. That's cool. You know that right? They're not around as much as they used to be, even like 48 hours. You know, comedies aren't around the way. They are rated comedies. But for some reason, it's funny, right? Like, I mean, it's not such a cool movie. It's such a cool fucking movie. Because Walter Hill made badass movies, you know, so it has a core is to it. And Nick Nulti is straight. And then they let Eddie kind of when he went into the bar and did that at the time, it was kind of incendiary, deconstructing all the cowboys and stuff. Dude. Yeah. I mean, what a cool role for Eddie Murphy to play. Trading spaces. Trading places. Trading places. Eddie Murphy makes no sense to me because at 19, to be who he was, take all the things that go over SNL, kick ass in the movies at such a young age. But it's kind of common to me. I mean, Woody Allen was supporting his parents at 16 writing jokes. Bob Dylan was really young, John Lennon Paul McCartney. Sometimes people just have it at like 20, 21 and they're superstars. I did not. And Eddie was one of those. I really did not. Like, I was the mean either. I was a waiter till 24, but I was a damn good one. I was, I was the 35 year old going into people that owned houses going, how do you do this? Like, I didn't, I didn't own a house until I was like 39. Like I was really late to the game. Like I didn't get any success until man like worked and stuff, but I wasn't. I look, I look at like, when I look back and I look at people's careers and when they popped, I go 32, what the fuck? How did you know how to take a meeting with adults? I take meetings now and they're on my age. You know, like I don't ever take meetings where I'm talking to someone older than me anymore. I mean, seldomly, but like you popped after that whole college thing. Did you, did you go in the clubs for years? Oh, no, no, I didn't pop. Oh, you didn't? Oh, no, no, no. You still did one big night. I had one good night. Okay. Then I decided, oh, did I go, I'm moving to New York. I was like, I'm going to move to New York. And you got the bug. I got, I was, was it AIDS? It was a monkey box. Monkey box. Monkey box. It's adjacent. Oh, yeah, the show is bug. Oh, yeah. Show me. Show me. Yeah, yeah. I was bug. Got it. Um, but I got, uh, I moved to New York. I was like, I'll just make it here. I've already been in Rolling Stone. What are the odds? This kid's got it. You know, I got the magic sauce where they discovered me here that'll happen again. Yeah, yeah. I'll have a drink. I drink the cool eight a little bit. Oh, I could go back and lit. If I get up a podcast where I release conversations I had in the bar in 1997 in New York about who I was going to be, where I was going. I mean, not even coaxed up just just you were so. Go up at times. Yeah. But like, just full of just, it's all heading your way. Like you have to believe the hype. You all are stone option the right to my life. I was like, this is all of our stone unreal. I know it's like, this is real. This is, and then six months in, we'll smit discover me and, and so I've been doing it for six months and I'm doing stand up six months. Wow. I'm working the door of the Boston Comedy Club. We'll smit discover me. Did he ever play hands on you? I thought you meant sacks. No, no, I meant like a slap or something. I didn't know if there was some pat on it. I'm like, is we gonna, no, did you, uh, what? When you just said, I said, hey, I was doing a slap. His dad thought that my dad thought I hit will want to do sex with me because when we met, your talent was not dad. What did my dad said? We'll go. Your dad said will want to my dad said, I'm gonna be will at the movie records studio or whatever. And he's doing well, any of them. And he goes, you're cool, man. We should go. We should hang out. And I was like, yeah, you know, thinking, yeah, call me. We'll hang out one day. And he goes, what are you doing tonight? It's like nothing. He goes, it's good movies. And I was like, okay. So I get in the car, call my dad. And he goes, uh, how did he go? I go, go for the movies and my dad's like on a date. I go, no, it's like, he goes, what do you mean? You're going to fucking movies for this guy. Like what? He's like an old school. Well, it is unusual. You're not going to talk. You're going to look at a screen and there's going to be popcorn shared. And hands in the snack at planet Hollywood. He goes at planet Hollywood. My dad goes, they have a movie theater there. I go, I don't know. Did he take a sip of a drink with a straw and then hand it to you? No. Okay. So my dad goes, oh, buddy, I think he wants to fuck you. I was like, what? That's a first jumping ahead. He goes, it's very, it's very, it's very daddy's. He's like daddy. He goes, it's very common in Hollywood. These guys. That's the Hollywood thing. He's not even gay. Yeah. He's just, yeah. They get so tired of pussy that the only thing that really excites them is the look on a boy's face when they turn them. Good God. And so I'm like, I'm like, holy shit. What is his book coming? I go, what am I supposed to do? And he goes, look, you're my only son. I'm just keeping an eye out for you. I go, dad, it's impossible. And he goes, what's more likely? The fact that you are so talented. Oh boy. That in six months of doing stand up the biggest movie star in the world wants to do a sitcom with you or that he's tired of pussy and he wants to fuck you. And I was like, what do I wear? And he was like, something sloppy. Don't look good. You're like, either way, I'm going. Well, they used to make, well, what did you wear? I wore overalls with a sweater over top. Not sexy. Not sexy. And I think you're hootier right now. You have a hooter clamp, which is sort of a chassis belt. What's funny is, it's a hooter clamp. It's a chassis belt for men. I'm making this up. It was a running gag with my friends in college. I like hooter clamp. That's just sounds funny. I'm with it. You got a special one. I go to play Hollywood and there's a six-foot seven-doodon named Charlie Mac. And he's like, you burnt. I go, yeah, and he goes downstairs. I'm like, I got a fuck this guy too. Down the way down. And then there's an exact, there's 10 black dudes in this room waiting for me. And I'm doing the math. I'm like, this is fucking, I'm sure he's bringing Jazzy Jeff. That's 13 dudes. I'm gonna fuck tonight. He shows up with Jazzy Jeff. I swear to God. I swear to God. We said down in the washroom. Wow. And he is on to nothing happened, right? At the end, he, well, I told him I was a hip-hop fan at the end. He's like, what'd you think? I was like, it's a good movie. And he was like, no, about the room. I was like, I don't know. What do you mean? He's like the people. I was like, they're black dudes. And he goes, no, you said you're a hip-hop fan. That's cool, MoD. It's a man like happens here to show off a diesen, to some ol' ph footMyadcallize. He, it's like moving opposite of a- He'sHow拉Vig He's like crazy, I'm telling you. Cause he's like the whores who they're near to. Oh. The one who I got Leipzig was Leipzig now in reality. He's like, my ass sent a friend to get a dog'sass. Yeah. If I'm in trouble with you balloon riding over there and eating Really? That's pretty good. Yeah, thanks. I just thought of that. Mine. I don't have one. You don't have a motto in life? No pain, no gain. It used to be party hardy with Bacardi, but it's switched. When they go on, it's tough. The tough get going. And you get going, all right. My, my dad used to say, my marriage is the only game two can play and both can lose. Jesus. That's nice. See you later, kids. Daddy, no. When it comes, yeah, talk about therapy. You know, the good news is I'm fine. If you're saying you're fine, you're not fine. Getting started is the important part. Talk space makes it easy and affordable to do so. You can sign up online, get a personalized match with the providers right for you, usually within 48 hours. That's two days. Incredibly convenient to have virtual sessions with your licensed therapist from the comfort of your own home. Yeah, I used to have to commute to Santa Monica to do it and believe me, they would be like a three. You do not want to go from Hollywood to Santa Monica. Yeah, three hours of travel, fighting elevators, traffic, and my whole appointment was parking garages and then 12 minutes of therapy. I see our times up. Talk space can help you with any challenges you might be facing. Number one online therapy platform. The therapist have 40s over 40s, specialties. Wow. I mean, a lot of people here in the news are going through this stuff and more people want to talk about this stuff than you think. So it's secure. It's private. Why not try it out as a listener of the podcast? You get $100 off your first month. Go to talkspace.com slash fly to match with your license therapist today. Talkspace.com slash fly. Get $100 off your first month and show your support of the show. That's talkspace.com slash fly. This is it. I just texted my manager and he's going to try to book will on your podcast. So I would go by the way that if you like I think you think that's a good story. He's in comedy time out right now. Like no one's going to come to break. I would love to have a market podcast. Yeah. And my podcast is a lot bigger than the fucking today show. Yeah. And and well, he might do because you do know him and he did think you're talented when when people that that's an opportunity for you because didn't that lead to us. But by the way when he was in college, they did when I'll ever start option that movie. Yeah. And then it didn't pan out, but they did do van wilder. And then that was pretty much based on you. Correct. Pretty much. No, it's I don't know because I never I wouldn't in the production. It's weird. I had no problem talking saying that until I made a movie, once you make a movie you realize just how many people go into actually making a movie. Then it feels really cheap to be like, oh yeah, they read my article, you know. Yeah. But yeah, that's the the rumor was that the people that wrote the script when the option fell out with all of a sudden they just sold it to van wilder or to national ampune and they just changed some names and just made the movie. Which I mean, I had nothing to do with the movie. I didn't write it. I didn't start it. I never made any money from it. I mean, I you know, I'd never even seen it. Right. But you're saying it's eerily similar to it's yeah, it's all my friends names are still in it. And it's just for a second because you mentioned it. It's interesting that like all my podcasts is bigger than the today show that this idea of television and podcasting is sort of it's something's going on. Well, we'll Smith does an interview on the today show. I mean, I'm not I'm not shittling the today show. No, you could say morning television. I'll say every late night talk show and every morning talk show. If he does an interview on there, it's going to be very crafted. It's going to be very sterile and and it will make a break. Yeah, maybe it maybe it'll get I don't know, probably get big numbers for them. But if you did my podcast or if he was an episode, did an episode like you did and was a guest pair on two bears one cave. Multiple multiple multiple million people will hear him be a little more honest and a little more cleanly with his words. I think it'll be a better look for him and comedy fans are there. Any. You can say whatever he wants. Whatever he wants. And also will also help him if he says something fucking foul will edit it out for him. Because that's how podcast. I'm so glad we started this podcast. Yeah, your podcast is huge. And and it's and I mean, I don't know. I mean, you guys are a little bit night mean this respectful. But you guys are a little bit traditional media in that you guys are both movie stars. So that you have publicists. You have agents and managers and some things that we kind of forego. Publicists for me don't really do anything because the first thing I don't want. Can you get on David Spades podcast? Can you get on Joe Rogan's podcast? Then I go, I just called it. I don't need you to do that. You tell we are a little more straight lies when you're telling the Will Smith story. We are shitting our fucking pants. We're thinking you're good about that. Well, you're good. I remember saying that's going to get me about. We don't get any spurs. Yeah. And you pulled it out of your show and you and you whispered to me. We'll pull that out. Oh, but because you were like, you're like, I don't know, but I remember you saying, yeah, I don't like shitting on people because it doesn't. And I heard you say that my whole thing was talking shit on podcasts. And then one day I was like, I'm going to go on Rogan and I'm not going to shit on anybody. I'm going to talk positive about everyone. The next day it's like 17 DMs. I'm like, do I really appreciate what you said to me? And you're like, oh, that pays off so much better. And Brayne also has a fevered fan base that might, if they turn on you, you don't need that for just a flippant joke. You know what I mean? Yeah. So yeah, but we, you know, we, uh, I like your part. I did two bears. Heather, I went over there. You did. But I thought you were on. Yeah, I know. And, uh, I tell Tom gets. And who was that other guy? Tommy Segura. He's a little nice. He's a local Austin comic. No, Tom was great. Tommy Segura. Tom's not to do it. Yeah. Tom was. It came in to do it, which I thought was really super cool. Yeah. I was bummed. You weren't there, but Tom and I had a blast. It's fun. It's a fun. It's a fun hang and it's a, we, I the fans that listen to both our podcast, your mom house, broadcast and two bears are like comedy fans. Yeah. So you can take, you can, you can take big swings and they'll forgive you if you fuck up and you can take really dry. You can take really weird comedy moves. Like you're going to Largo and doing a set like you're going to where you go. I'll try something if you're sharp comedians or your sharp fans, then you like these type of jokes. But is there a little bit of a sea change even with your audience of accepting more stuff because of the period of time of you can't say that. You can't say that. You can't say that or even the same all the way through. You say almost anything. But can't look like could I do, uh, Indian accent Chinese accent? Yeah. I mean, I think, I think as a big, yeah, but, I don't, I don't think there's no one's, I don't think there's a woke, but I think there's like, if you're doing it in a mean way, I think people would be like, oh, that's not that's the weird thing is that like, I think comedy, when people go, what's about cancer culture? I don't think it's changed at all. I don't think, it's like swimming in the ocean. If you focus on the sharks, you're not going to have a good time. But if you just go, hey, man, it's the ocean. There are sharks in here, but I don't think I'm going to get attacked. And if I do fuck it, that's how you can if I do fuck it, that's a t-shirt. If I do, if I get to pull my legs up, if I say something dicey, yeah, but it's all, it's all urine. I think comedy is your intent. It's a 10. I never see so older do comedy. I remember, well, God, I will say his name, but he was doing Asian accents on stage and he was not doing them kindly where you look at the Asian person in the room and you'd be like, that is kind of fucked up. They do. Yeah. I mean, yeah. So I think, and I think you could get away with a lot of stuff in comedy if people know your intents, right? And I think the same goes with our fans as we've said, I've said fucked up stuff. Definitely. I've definitely said fucked up stuff on two bears. Stuff I regret hardcore, but I think our fans also give you that that swings on and they go, I know the guys are good guy. Yeah, they know you and you guys got an early, I think, which was smart because you just build it up. And then they're actually just very hardcore fans of your stuff. Because when I went on two bears, then there's people that maybe haven't seen me in a while. You know what I mean? Just the cross pollination of your right. There's Fallon, there's Ellen, Lise, two Letterman, a lot of Stern. But if you hit those are the same audiences all the time and they're great. You guys are like, you guys are like Martinez, right? So like, like, say I'm a beer, right? So like, I'm good. I'm good for these guys every day. But when you guys show up, everyone's like, oh, fuck, I'm in a martiniate a little bit. Oh, yeah. Oh shit. These are fucking awesome. Yeah. And so, and I think that's what's cool about like, like, you guys is, look, all me and Tom's career has been made on the internet and made with these with, with like, podcasting and comedy and specials. You guys have things that like, obviously, Tom and I dream about. But like, you have careers that and stories and things that are that like, the average comedy fans like, oh shit. Like, right. It's kind of going away. Like the normal, young person, we live next to next to some TikTokers here and they make way more money than me. And they're great. But that world of being famous between the ages of 17 and 25 and they're doing different things. Those stories are more similar in that way. But there's not that many going like, who's a famous movie star Timothy Schallum under third, you know what I mean? Who is, who has those stories of being on a TV show or a sitcom and a TV and movies and SNL? That, that is going away. And it's more like, I'm famous for this, which is totally acceptable now. You're on this, you're on this, YouTube, all that. It's just a different world. So we're in a world sort of going away. And it's fun to mix them, mix them up, you know, because you have great stories. You're like Theo in the way that Theo Bohnware, there's so many crazy fucking things that I hear that you do that like Theo, anything you say goes, oh yeah, you go, I'm going to order some ribs. Oh, my, in fifth grade, this girl had ribs in her forehead. 12 ribs. No, for real. And I was pregnant. And you go, these are a million things that happen to you. And you, you're sort of like that where it seems like you have an endless amount of things that actually happened to you. And that keeps it going. That's hard. It's hard to be interesting. So I feel like I've run out of all the interesting stuff. Ever. Well, I was watching you. I guess from two days ago. And you're trying not to drink this month. And, and then Tom was talking about ayahuasca and stuff. So it was very compelling. I mean, it went by very fast. You know, you guys have a great chemistry. This, I don't know if dating into this story, but an IV probably told it. But our audience says hasn't heard probably some of it. But when you, you, I was at the comedy. So that night, that whole Molly thing happened. Oh, yeah. And I didn't know you well. And I don't go to the comedy store that much. And it was like, I remember because I've heard that story since. I don't know if you told the whole thing, but it was just that something happened. And I was like, oh, that's so funny. I think it was there. You walked in. I just happened to be in the green room. I think without a me get or someone. And then you were like, oh, shit. Something weird just went down. Yeah. And then I don't know this story. I was, I was, I had to fly to start my tour. This is probably 2019. I guess. And, um, and my buddy, Ari, Shafir, great comic was in town. I was like, well, why don't we do a podcast? I go, it would be perfect. We'll have some sunset drinks in my backyard. Have a cigar. I'm have dinner with my family and then I'm going to bounce get to the airport. I'll be fine. He's like, great. And he, uh, as we went into the, in my, I have a man cave built by the TV show man caves. So I, in my old house. And so he said, we should do a shot to celebrate for tonight. I was like, okay, I'm going to, I don't need to do shots. I'm not like a huge shot guy. I was like, all right, whatever. So we did a shot of, of scotch, which is an odd thing to shoot. And it tasted off. And so then we start doing a podcast and like an hour in my face is just kind of warm. I'm like, I feel fucking weird. And Ari is like, obviously, I love Ari, you know, we're still friends, but he's like, do you, do you feel weird? And I was like, yeah, I do. And he was like, maybe you're on something. And I was like, I'm not. I trust me. I'm on blood pressure medicine. I don't take anything. And he was like, maybe you're on something, maybe you're on Molly. Okay, I'm going to tell you something. You can't be mad. You got to promise not to be mad. And I was like, when I'm, mind you, we're doing a podcast. And so I'm like, what, what, what, what am I? And he goes, I rafed you. I gave you Molly. You're on Molly right now. And I'm like, why was I, I didn't release the podcast because I, number one, I didn't want to become a meme because the look on my face when I realized I'm on Molly is pretty very, very real. Other than the fact that it's a tablet dappled from the, from the tree. It's, it's pretty real. And it's not cool. And I'm not happy. And my cousin comes over and I'm on Molly. I called Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz. I was, I just called him. And the podcast kind of falls apart. We're still recording everything. Right. But I'm freaking out. I'm like, what I'm like, dude, I'm on blood pressure. Make me nervous to feel like you're on drugs. And you don't know it. And then how weird you feel. And then you, and I was like, I was like, I have had blood pressure and I like, like, what the fuck? Did you consult my current cardiologist? Like, I'm not supposed to do. What if I have a stroke? And he's like, well, you have a stroke. I don't know. Tell you. Sounds like a really good friend. Good. It's good. That's good. That's where it's problematic is that he is a good guy. But there's a broken part to Ari where he finds, he also finds this very entertaining. Not maybe not now, but at the time. Right. And you guys all push it with different things you do. And one goes too far. But yeah, it's more like it could be really. Is that an X to see or is it an X to see? Okay. And so I call Joey Diaz and sound like the actual X to see. Well, Molly. This is the panic moment where it hit. I got like, I've gotten like that in drugs. Yeah. And I'm just like, I don't, and I remember, you know, the feeling of going, I don't want to be on this. Yeah. But there's no getting out of this. So I call almost like a claustrophobia. It's scary because you're stuck for hours. Yeah. I go four hours. It's going to last four hours. And I have to be on a plane in three and a half. And so I'm like, I call Joey Diaz, Joey Diaz. I got, I got blessed Joey Diaz. I said, um, already just slipped me Molly. And I knew I finished my sentence. He was like, dog will be there in 15. He comes over in five minutes. He we live next to each other. He's in the backyard. And he just calm me down. He took Molly also, I think. And was like dog walking. If we die, we die. And I was like, that kind of, that kind of made me comfortable. We don't do the podcast. We don't finish the podcast. We just leave. Yeah. He leaves. We pull my wife into the bathroom. And I'm my cousins with me. My cousin was my tour manager at the time. I was like, listen, I'm going to tell you something. But I need to not take care of you right now. I need you to not lose your shit. But I've got a pack for a flight. I don't want to see the girls. I've been slipped Molly by Ari. And I'm blowing up right now. Like I'm losing my fucking mind. And man, she fucking live it. I could see it around. And she's trying not to probably because she's going to flip you out. Yeah. And she's like, where is he? Oh, no, no, where is he gone? She goes, okay, okay. She goes, don't worry about clothes. Grab your backpack. Go to the comedy store. Go have a drink. Go to the comedy store and then go to the airport. Don't go to the airport now. And then she would like very specific about like, go find a bar. Go relax somewhere. Have fun. Whatever, let the drug right try to wear off and then get yourself to the airport. But don't show up the airport on drugs. Show up to the airport as as close to the getting it getting out your system as possible. So I got my cousin. I went straight to the so I did see that I was thinking I'm maybe I think I'm going to the comedy store and I walked into the back. It was the back bar. And you were there with Whitney Cummings. Okay. And and Adam and they're like, Hey, how you doing? And I was like, not good. And you're like, what's going on? And I was like, I just got slipped Molly. And then I literally already walked in and he goes, it's feel good. Huh? And by the way, it was amazing. It was like, I was, I was, I was, I was going to ask, what are you feeling? It felt just you for it. Like you wanted to touch people. You wanted to be touched. You just, I felt you were not really mad. You're, you're stuck in it now. Now you're, I realized, okay. This is the moment I realized how strong it was was I, as I packed my backpack, I realized I had left my iPad on my last flight. And instead of being angry, I thought, I bet that person needed an iPad. And I was like, that's a weird fucking phone. I was like, I just gifted someone an iPad. Yeah, let's go to the store. So I just kept drinking. I got on a plane. I was, I was not wearing off lasted way longer than I wanted to. And you had to get on this plane. Obviously, I was, yeah. This is, yeah. And so I got on the plane. How's your sense of your auto? I mean, how are you walking and how are you walking fine? You're very dialed in. Okay. Very dialed. You're not. You're, yeah, you're like supposed to be fun. Yeah. It's a lot of fun. I mean, Molly delivers like, there's a few drugs that go, Hey man, I promise you I'll be what you, you want me to be? Well, as you know, I get Alex, I've become a big part of kind of mental health and and, and the people who are toward the end of their life and it's this reset. So we'll get to that later if it had lasting effects. But what happened next? I get on the plane. Very chatty. Very talkative. I'm almost feminine. I remember I was rubbing the dude's hand next to me. Like I was like, just had my hand on his hand. And he was like, and I was like, Hey, listen, I gotta tell you a secret. I got slipped Molly this afternoon. Hey, don't use that next time I have the report. I got slipped to Molly. Can I get it? I was a fan. The guy was a fan. He knew what I was. And I told him and I said, you're going to hear about this on a podcast. I'm sure we're doing Rogan next week. I'm sure that'll come up. But just know you were sitting next to me when this happened. I'll be dry-humping your legs. And then, and then, and then, and then, I said, that great line from stripes is it stripes. And then depression sank it. And I woke up the next day, totally depleted of dopamine, totally panic riddled, totally depressed. What the fuck just happened? Did I fuck up my career? Because I wasn't cool about it. Is this like, like, and when he comes in, he's called me immediately. And I was like, what do I do with this podcast? When he comes, it's like, you do not release this podcast. That is you control your diet, your dialogue with your fans. And you do not need them to mock you because you don't, you weren't like the cool guy getting some Molly like, that's what's up. And so she goes, you don't want to become crying Jordan. And so crying Jordan. Whitney is like, is the first person I talked to. I talked to her a bunch that week. I got a few IVs. I got an IV and the Molly kick back in. Really? And all of a sudden, I was like, really? That's great. And I was about to go on stage. I did two shows. And I was like, what's up, say, Louis? So Molly was still a little bit flying. Oh, yeah. And so whatever was in the IV, it just booted it back. And I was shaky. And I got on stage. I had to do two shows. And then, and then, and then, and then I didn't, and then we did Rogan, you know, it's interesting because it's interesting because everyone's take like Tom and Joe's take personally was very honest. And like, that was really fucked up, man. Like that's like, do we love like this? And then we did the podcast, you know, Tom and Joe are like, dude, how cool, you know, whatever clowny got you. Maybe I'm making fun of me because I didn't love it. But I think they also came out. I don't know, look, whatever. You say what you say on the podcast to get laughs. And so, um, and so Argan and I didn't talk for like a whole month. We did, we had to do so broctober then that was the last so broctober. I did until this one because it destroyed so broctober. Like no one chatted on the chat thread, no one kept in touch with each other. No one spoke. We'd really kind of drove drove a division between all of us and then the end of the month, are he's like, uh, called me. I was in Connecticut and he was like, I really fucked up. Didn't I? And he'd called a number of times I wouldn't answer his call. I was like, yeah, you did. I was like, you know, my thing, you know, like we all got our mantra that fucks in our heads for whatever thing. And mine is you think I'm weak because I'm a nice guy. You think you can step all over me. Yeah. And so guilty. Yeah. Yeah. Never. Yeah. But a nice guy is usually a nice guy until he's not a nice guy. So you don't ever want to see the other bad. Yeah. Yeah. And I told him I said, you know, that's how I feel. You know that that's the thing that fucks with me. I've talked to him so ad nauseam about how I feel about ex person stealing a joke or taking advantage of me. Yeah. I go and you did the thing that makes me the thing you did it publicly. And he was like, uh, I don't think I saw it that way. And so I fucked up. And my wife's still my wife, my daughter's hate him. My daughter's hate him. We'll never like I was texting him with him one time. I just texted me and I texted back my daughter George assault. She grabbed my phone. She goes, no, it's like a bad breakup. He's like, you're not still talking to him. She goes, she goes, dad, imagine how you would feel if you saw me replying to it, dude, who had drugged me. Whoa. That's a pretty mature young woman. How old was she? She's out of time. It's just 16 to 15. Is this guy going around? I don't know. But is he still slipping Molly's to people? Okay. Yes. Yes. He travels around and goes to different states. He's, you know, he's a good guy. He's a crazy. That I say that and people, like he's he's gotten a lot of trouble for being who he is, but who he is is this really. I mean, you know him. He's not a bad guy. No, I'm saying that it's always a bad sign when you have to say that. You're so bad. You're so bad. Trying to do a bit or do a joke. I went too far and he probably learned like I said, we went to a batch of party. We went to Mark Norman's batch of parties together. I'm still friends with him. I'm very good friends with him. And we went to the batch of party and he pulled me aside for the batch of parties started and he goes, I just need to know. I do need you to know. I would never slip anything in your drink again. I need you to know that you can be comfortable around me. I was like, I got you, buddy. I was like, please don't slip something in my drink because that's a part of me goes, well, that's the funniest joke. He does it again. He's like, yeah, he's still not cool. Bert, do you think a little bit of his rationale was like, Bert's got a good time on this. He's going to have a great story with this. This is going to be a cool experience for him. Maybe. Yeah. I think, you know, people see me drinking on a plane and then they go, God, this guy parties and they don't realize that drinking on a plane is attached to something a little different. And so I think people think, yeah, you're not partying. You're just trying to survive the flight. Yeah. And not have a heart attack. And I think people assume, people assume a lot about me not knowing me. They think I'm drunk every time I'm on stage. I've never drink on stage. I never drink on stage. I mean, I have obviously, but like, if I do a show, if I do a show, I'm sober. Why just look at your Wikipedia. I look at the three specials in five years. I look at you did a tour last year, like a stadium tour. I mean, the workload is so extreme that it would crowd out drinking time. I still drink. Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah. How many a day I did? I did the, I created a driving comedy tour through UTA. We set up a whole driving tour during the pandemic. And then I did a baseball stadium tour called fully loaded. Was that what Nikki Glazer on that? Nick Glazer, big J. I was saying, shangulous, mark normal. You say like 60,000. We did. We did 40,000. I think most venues were about 10,000. And so we did some arenas. We did minor league baseball stadiums. Oh, okay. And then I have my tour and then pending on when this comes out. I've, I've a bunch of things to announce. And so I buy them a work. I'm a workaholic in the sense that I just see if you're awake. You should be working. Right. You know, I just always want to do stuff. I like making stuff. Yeah. Well, let me ask you a question because I like specific. So because we always talk about heavy drinking, whatever. So say it's grind love specifics. You're like a normal day. You're functional. You're doing your thing, but it's kind of a day off or maybe you're going to do an open mic. The workout material. Just take me through that day of your consumption. Where you're still, Bert, you're functional. But what can you put? Well, how much can you do and still be functional in a day? So there's space amount. There's two different birds. If there's burn on the road, right. I never drink like if so today, if we, if I came here and you were like and you had drinks lined up and I was, it wasn't so I brought number. I would buy it. I would 100% drink with you in a second. I would drink for, we got to have you back on. I'd drink hard and I would have fun and I'd go. I'd be like, I'd hope we do like three hours. I'd be like into it. And then I'd go and do my day. I wouldn't have driven here. I would take an Uber here. I'm pretty responsible about that. Yeah. But usually if I'm in L.A. I don't, I won't drink. Usually with a family and everything. Yeah, I won't drink at all until like if I'm not doing sets, I'll open a bottle of wine around like sunset with my wife or or like if I'm at the store, I won't drink until I won't drink until my OR set. Like I'll do. So you're very controlled. Yeah. Yeah. I would think if someone said you were drunk on stage, I would guess that's possible because the thing about growing up and when you got famous from all these stories and these shows you did and it was like sort of a jackass show you did a hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt, and that it's like those guys where you obviously are bringing stand up to and you've spun it in a whole whole thing but in a very successful career. But just that past people when I see it around other people that party they want to party with you or they want to buy you drinks and they want to and it gets to be kind of a hassle on stage. I'll be sent drinks. I've gotten sent drinks on stage or when I'm out or when I'm dinner and that gets to be hard because if it turns into your wrap you're like, well it's not like one move. There's more going on here. It's definitely the I definitely when I was doing clubs when I was younger I had no problem drinking on stage if they sent shots I'd do them. But I also can handle my booze well enough that I never got fucked up on stage. I just do a shot have a beer with me and be like yeah that's fine. But when I started when I really started focusing on specials like on when I did the machine that's when I realized oh it's not it's not just I have an hour. It's like I have an hour that I'm going to craft into a good hour that has peaks and valleys and and arcs and there's sappelings I plant at the beginning that I can harvest later and like it's a real art form and I wasn't until I did the machine that I was like oh I yeah there's I can't drink on stage I'm working on something and so and then from that point on and then I started doing theaters and once you do theaters the whole different it's like yeah and it's scary I'm on the theater to now and I Dana obviously is very well-known comedian does these big gigs and when I do this theaters he's selling out in the last year because I just always do clubs and I would do a movie and I go oh can you is the Irvine improv can they give me a couple days early in the week without a lot of notice and you go do it and it's fun and you could have a drink or you could goof around on stage and get fucked up and you're selling it's like a fun party atmosphere it's three four hundred people but when you do bigger theaters it's it's like work it's like a job and you really people don't know it's so hard to focus and get a tight hour that is kind of airtight because you have a pause you get you drift off people yell or they're paying a lot more they're very attentive is a bigger deal and then you owe them more of course you want to be good doesn't mean you're always going to kill but you're at least you got to go in if you have any work ethic on and the club is all drinking they're all they all have the club is about selling booze yeah ultimately I remember it tells me when I was very young he goes you can't promise that we were talking about a certain club he goes you can't promise that guy's gonna first of all he's not gonna watch your set second of all his sense of humor is horrible and he was how many drinks did you sell I was like I don't know and he goes well I can promise you he checked at the end of the week oh yeah I mean no they'll book you back because they go he sells drinks that's why that's how I got yeah that's how I started touring what I would do is I would I would bring beers on stage I drink one maybe two do some shots if I needed to but after the show I tell everyone on my lay show stick around I'm gonna be at the bar drinking don't leave let's hang out and I heard twenty belldeno is like hey man he just made me $13,000 yeah what he was like I'll bring you back definitely keep doing this so I would set up bar games I would set up bar games yeah it's a good and we're gonna gamble after this everyone out there it's a $20 buy-in $5 rebiles we're gonna see if we can throw a ball from across the bar into a hoop first one gets the pot and so do's would be like fuck we'll stay and then I and they order drink just while they're waiting and watching and like and so we do that going somewhere else to go have another drink they go let's just stay here and watch what's going yeah and so I used to do that a lot and then I started doing these call-in-sick to-work shows where I I tell them I tell the clubs I was like I was like hey open up at 10 a.m. It's like it's St. Patty's day open up at 10 a.m. I'll go do radio and as soon as radio is over I'm coming over to the club we'll tell everyone to call in sick to work and we'll just do a show at like 11 30 and those would sell out in minutes I mean you'd I'd call in ahead of time and be like to Tampa or or Philly you tell the radio stations that how you do it I call you there's all my friends like Preston and Steve and Philly or or Elliot in the morning or cow head I'd be like yo I call in I'm two weeks ahead of time and be like Monday on the 16th I'm doing a call-in-sick to-work show and immediately that would sell out and and then and then I would hold true and do radio I drink on radio and like party on radio and then me and the radio station we'd give it we'd hold like 20 tickets for a boss who wanted to just then it was really fun boss would be like hey I'm shutting down shop you got tickets for me and we'll be like yeah so they'd all come in it was fucking awesome you can only make five grand that's that was the nut so it wasn't like it just seems like you have a really good business that's good though you just kind of brilliant that the fuck off day oh it's sad I like try I I was such a mediocre talent for the majority of my career that I didn't mind taking chances cuz I didn't I was already failing anyway so like I didn't mind so you know when we did the drive a movie theaters is I like I got awards for that but it was like my special came out March 17th stay at home water started on the 13th I was like I was like well it was not that bad for business for me like everyone was home to watch my special special blew up and I was like I'm I'm gonna support this special hard part is they all like I had wrong missy come out during and then you go I have any I couldn't even celebrate when we were number one in the world I go I'm celebrating at my house eating cheeses because I can't leave I can't go anywhere yeah so I put hold on but didn't hold on cuz I had the same feeling yeah cuz wrong missy came out right I think after my special yeah it was me and I remember my special came out and I remember seeing my my there's like that heart button on Instagram yeah and it's like all the people that mentioned you in the story and it was just one line you couldn't even see the marks and I was like holy shit yeah and I was like it's blown up so I call my agent I was like hey man I got a tour and he's like there's no touring and I was like what about driving movie theaters he goes it's not a thing I said no there are out there I've good there out there oh that's you did cuz you had to capitalize on I said I got a tour I got people that are watching my special I've got to lock these fans in to let them know I'm a good comic and that they got a something to see me live so we found an EDM promoter hotbox and we brought them in and they said we've done shows we've done like EDM shows during the pandemic we could do comedy and just put you on a stage in front of the big screen they come out in their cars and it was like it was fucking epic I mean they come out four hours early and be grilling out tailgating oh yeah it was the coolest thing probably the coolest thing I've ever done in my career like at at that time because it was like during the pandemic but I remember watching wrong miss you during the pandemic fucking it's like when you get good entertainment during the pandemic that's like just the funny movie really hard I still I'm a fan of her I follow her on Instagram I've never never talked to her never met her but I still she fucking killed me in that fucking move and it just seemingly out of nowhere people knew me and I was sort of the straight man again and when I read it actually sound like this one and I go I like that Ben still her part like Jason babe no where you're just the shit's going on around you yeah and you get to react and Lauren laugh because we it's like the girl has to be good and so it winds up being Lauren right and she was known around here but when she goes in there and just hits you from out of the blue and everything she's saying and she's so dirty and hilarious and clever and and and we were about halfway done filming and I'm like you know you're filming out of sequence but I go I think it's pretty funny maybe I'm crazy but we still have this scene a threesome scene and Clip I go I think this could be good and you have no idea obviously and then when it comes on and it starts doing well that was the huge just and it was too huge and we're stuck oh I loved it that's when you'd want it I mean you got to realize well that's why it's doing so well and then that's why it did so well because but you can't go shoot another movie because you can't you're not allowed to shoot a movie oh well I had a I had a TV series of the cabin that came out yeah I'm not a pandemic and it was the highest rated non scripted series on Netflix cabin related show and yeah cabin related fun it was like yeah to everyone Netflix called her like congratulations on having a hit I remember if someone's like we should just celebrate our success right now and I was like yeah and then they didn't you're like they're like well we yeah we'd love to do it more but we're in pandemic can't do anything can't do anything and for them is it some he's gonna come back then I'd love for it too I would at the time that we did it I was so nobody that I couldn't get anyone famous on the show so it's just comics it's just all my friends when he Bobby like Donnell Tommy Joey I just got comics on and it was like I was obviously it's guys who were good podcasting so we didn't have any scripts we just improved everything and they're funny so they used there's something funny's gonna happen I think we had we had a we had a soft commit from you uh Sandler and Norm I'm out of the way because Adam Eget was working on it was yeah and he was like he was like he was like I can I'm not able to talk to you guys yeah and he was like what would you do with them and I was like oh you're being fucking sick I was like well the problem is I would have just sat with you guys like can you guys talk talk walk me through my whole favorite scenes so it would have been nothing but by the way Spade go fight that bear we got two cameras on you Dana you know I go to the doctor locks my voice has been very scratchy lately yeah you are at the doctor quite a lot the boring thing is I go to the doctor once a year and all I hear is your perfect specimen blah blah blah couldn't be better perfect physical shape can I talk to said this stuff I told him to say to you yeah it's working well I like I do enjoy getting in there and you know it's okay to guess about stuff in life should we go to the lake I don't know what the weather is you know should I go get a Kit Kat bar watching a movie or not but don't don't have guesswork with 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slash fly I've ever been parking lot shows I did probably five parking show they were my land cruisers that it's good I'm like this geopism knows that I'm talking about me remember the magic castle they were making noise did you ever do that one no I never did those they they they had like fans that made noise and they go kk kk out the windows because they couldn't they weren't allowed to get out their cars here so instead of flicking their lights they did for well then it was just kk but there was a little noise so you go that one killed yeah you can get some sense but I let them we they we only did uh states where they could get out of their cars like red sucks fun so we did the middle of the country so they they would I mean they get out of their cars they set up cowards yeah it's like a football game we did one we did like three thousand cars in filly and uh and they weren't allowed out of their cars and it was yeah I did states where they weren't allowed to laugh and it really sort of defeated oh shit I didn't miss a sip you know I have one I have another question I know it's getting like no I have a question you're used to doing 12 hour pocket yeah I could I could talk to you guys when you do I'm enjoying you do this uh because day in the special Netflix and mine was out about not that long 26 oh I was I was curious about your choice of shoes a six fuck off in my special oh cuz I got a six I got a bad neck so I really am and whittled down into what it's not what kind of shoes it's what type of sketchers I'll be well no can I tell you it made you like a six oh no I love a six that's all I run in but it was so interesting because I'm so hyper aware despite the fact that I know where nothing on stage yeah I'm so hyper aware about jeans and shoes that I that I always look at what people what shoes people wear yeah cuz I got a bad neck and they they're kind of comfy for me and uh and I try to look decent but it's great they're good asics or sharp shoes it's two two hours you know see I'm doing probably an hour 15 each show when I trim it two about an hour so I know it's a long night I don't want to feel shitty it's my best you want to feel your best uh but my problem was at which I was going to ask you first is when you do yours it comes out March you said in this pandemic and when you back out for your tour you just talk about yeah do you change your hour is it half the same or is it all new or what is your theory on that so I get myself I'm I should say I write really quick in that all my any one of my bits are like nine minutes long yeah that's kind of good if I have a bit I'm gonna have two new bits and have half a new hour um so what I do is so I'm filming my special November 16th and 17th or 17th and 18th in Omaha I will then I'm not the kind of guy that goes like Tom or Joe they go I'm taking the mom taking two months off I'm done I'm not that guy I go get me on the road the next fucking week because I can use this hour that I currently have to fuck around and come up with my new hour yeah cuz no one seen I can still do some hard to no one seen it yeah so I can go so I booked out until the day of errors you're like I got a time in errors no good it's that's a hard because I'm I keep some but I whittled out I probably the next day took out half 30 minutes yeah but it was too hard because it came out two months later it wasn't like yeah we're gonna sit on it for a while I go it's got to come on sooner some of the jokes they get stay you know you just want them out comedy didn't sit well on the shelf so I'm willing it's almost all gone now there's a couple but no one said anything there's it's kind of an unwritten rule and some people at bothers and some people doesn't like some people want when I see Sebastian I'm like with my friends going well I hope he does it over Joe yeah hope he does think about the wedding and uh the homeless whatever and then if they don't you're kind of disappointed too well I saw Sebastian at the forum he was kind enough to give me in my like all my friends tickets yeah he's nice and uh and it's crazy because I personally want to see what he's working on but I'm there with my friends and I my wife and I don't want my wife to not respect how great Sebastian is so part of me is like I hope he does the uh fucking coffee bit company bit and he does and Sebastian's really smart about it but I think when you're I look I don't know that there's no answer because I was told I was told to retire the machine story and I've been now been telling that on stage uh like seven years since it went viral yeah and so yeah and and when I say when I started the pop is so big that there's not there's not anyone really in comedy that if as a comic that would sit off stage and not go the other tire to hearing it I mean it's when I say I was 22 years old I got involved with the Russian Mafia I didn't Pittsburgh the other day and Pittsburgh I did a PPG paint Serena 12,000 people yeah and I started the machine story and they gave me a standing ovation and so I'm like why don't think I'm ready to retire well it's like I hit song it's like don't stop believe in my journey I do the ones that I really like that I think have some staying power and somebody hate to give up because you know how hard it is it's so valuable to have a bit that works like a murder and if you get one tight and you've done it and you've got all the and you got to take it out but you can't really I just say to the audience if I miss anything what do you want you know well yeah that's kind of that's also I would love to be in that I think I would love to do a tour I was thinking about doing a tour where I put uh all my like put my cities on sale and then put all my old bits for like 30 minutes worth of old bits and then go because will go did that like audience vote yeah yeah and go pick what songs you want to hear yeah we'll go to that and it was fucking cool chicks I'm like oh I wouldn't mind I'm now that I know the set list for Minneapolis I'll fly them in theapolis to do that's that yeah so I I because I have like I have this flying Dildo story that I have me too I have fighting a bear I have like all these huge stories that I that were just a staple of my act I and then I have other ones like of my daughters that people go tell the period party story and I don't because I'm working on the new hour I would love I don't I have no problem playing to the audience if they would love to hear stories if I could go do an arena tour like I'm doing an arena tour this 2023 but it's gonna be all new material because that's I have to get ready for another fucking special yeah it's hard so is this your first time just pure arenas I do I'm doing half arenas half theaters right now you're at peak bird right you're as hot as you've ever been or so Tim Dylan right now you're deep Tim Dylan I was I was I woke up and told him I was telling him I was I wake up sometimes with the anxiety goes why why it doesn't get better than right now for you no one told you you have to stop drinking yet you get to party your kids are still young you're making more money than you've ever made it you know in a couple years it's gonna get really bad right now it's he burnt so I was like I was like I was like yeah what the fuck am I stressed about so you're up Australia and then just arenas so come out right after that is your where's your podcast how in foreign countries where is it really oh yeah do you know foreign yeah no go no go sell out 12000 there too oh for real from oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean I don't believe in you so 40 years go I've ever saying oh yeah give him a point to punch when he gets on stage so Australia uh Canada was the first place I was like what's that about I was like what the fuck man what's happening like I'm huge in Canada like I'd go to Edmonton and sell out like nine shows ten shows and and then sell two bags of merch and I was like what the fuck Canada was really big in podcasting so it was a high oh these were the these are the Canada no high those were the those were the places yeah Celtic gets in Ohio Canada Portland all suddenly this place started popping up and then and then someone was like my agent was like do you want to do Australia it's like I'd love to put tickets on the straight sale in Australia sold out immediately and I was like what did Australia and they were like I didn't change one bit of my act yeah at all and then and they were like you get done they're like tell Joey Diaz to come down here tell Tommy to come and you're like oh they're podcast fans then I remember going to to England and and with my family and I did one small show and like a like a comedy club 150 Cedar put it on sale and sold out like five minutes and I went that's fucking bizarre and then I did a European tour and that sold out so like Europe is really big like the the Oslo Sweden Switzerland like all that the Scandinavia is huge Germany's huge Portugal Greece all of England Ireland's the fucking shit I can do I can do parts of Bulgaria have five man Ireland is really a best stand up comedy town wow over fucking yeah ever they are Dana's Irish in it they Irish relatives they all that is like I did so I did I appreciate it so much they come over there and I like you but the podcasting is good to listen to because they might not get something they might not hear but it's probably pretty easy to dial into a podcast oh yeah I think I'm a podcast they know you by the time they see you and I know every fucking aspect you know everything I mean they know my you know my daughter went to college and like kids are not going to door and by the way if your kid listen to this please don't but they knock on the door every night and they're like I want a party with you my daughter's like what the fuck I'm not a blubbering idiot that's my dad but it's but it's you you feel like intimately like my wife gets recognized like crazy because I talk about her so much in my stand up and I'm a podcast and she has a podcast and my like my it's it really is podcasting is so intimate yeah yeah I say this because I was saying so many things about yourself yeah but I was a fan of podcasting first so like I remember hearing podcasting go in like holy shit this is like it was magic it was mad listening to people talking in another room like yeah to people you like and you're going I'm just sort of standing in the pre-interview there's no plan obviously yeah people fuck up and they say weird things and all of a sudden I remember yeah I remember hearing people fuck I remember hearing Zach Alphanacus made me laugh I was I I'm a big so I'm always in hotels or in a tour bus bunk I listen to podcasts when I sleep so I'm throwing a podcast and then I feel like my friends are in the next room and then I go I just I just makes me feel like not alone I don't know whatever so I remember listening to Zach Alphanacus on Nerdist this is how I don't know how many years ago this one is and he said they said do you he's like do you do drugs still and he goes yeah I just did mushrooms and went to the getty with my cousin and he goes you know how you know how like you'll misread things and he goes it said please don't touch the statues but I thought it said please touch the statues and I was like oh yeah like he's like oh mushrooms he's like yeah these are standard be good to stroke him and see like I was about to stroke and I remember waking up laughing hysterically going yeah this just Zach's delivery the way he says yeah right but um but I'm a huge podcast fan so I kind of like like I get excited like when you guys started your podcast I got really excited because I was like oh fuck yeah these are this is what I'm looking for something else to like I listen to health podcast history podcast comedy podcast I love Tim Dylan's the best podcast person on the planet right now without a doubt he is yeah so money I agree he's got so much he's just got something great voice um money attitude just takes on a lot of things yeah he's yeah he gets to the essence and then he just grinds it you know and brilliant it just riffing my favorite my favorite out of all like and this is what was really cool with when podcasting started like my favorite thing in the world is to like tell you a great normal Donald story that maybe you weren't there for but because you know him it's even that better for that richer for you it's fine like it's like I remember Norman and Joe hanging out and and and just watch and watching the center right it's one of the funniest things ever I would never say it on air because I don't I don't know how he perceived and norms past and but like but like like the gossip of standup the inside stories of standup and that's what podcasting was when we started was like just gossip and it was so fucking good I mean you would you would get you would get the juke like did I ever tell you the story about the dot dot dot and I remember being on the edge of my seat listening to podcasts going no like people go on Rogan and just no no one thought we were listening like maybe just right that was the interesting because you get in there I want I used to do stern it was sort of like that were you're in a room like this and he's and you're also trying to impress a little bit and he's digging and he's pushes in there and then you walk out of there and my phone starts buzzing going what the fuck did you just say and I'm like what and then people like hey did you you didn't tell that story about me did I go oh and then but you do it and it has tentacles it gets to people and they go oh you got to hear when he goes on here or when you guys turn was like my sort of podcast because I got to go on there once a year and then tell stuff and then podcasting out bigger but I thought you Joe feel like there's a lot of guys got into it early and it just it really paid off what's it's the I mean I don't know I always like like I I loved stern I love stern I know I loved opian Anthony also I loved but I loved when someone would walk in the room and you didn't know who it was and you'd be like oh will you just walked in and I'd be sitting my car like what like that is fun yeah those but I loved that and so I like like with the beginning of this podcast it just starts with us sitting down and talking I love that shit on a podcast I'm like Joe you still have a phone in his in his place that would ring at a nowhere and and you'd be doing a podcast when he did it out of his house and his phone would ring and you go I don't even fucking know that numbers dad I don't know who it is anyway I used to get a kick out of that number going to his house I was like yeah what is that phone number I was like I'll start calling when I know he's doing podcast yeah it was just I don't know those were the it was fun but then at the same time you know look there's you know you look at like people they come through all the shit they've ever sent on a podcast and I look at it and I go I've been I did a podcast with Joe one time there's like five and a half hours and I got home and they had to take it down and I was like oh what did I say and he's like don't worry it's taking out we're good and I was like well okay and then you started your landing bed I was like did I say that COVID was created by the government like like and you're like yeah you just talk shit fine I realized it's like a dinner you just laughing yeah it's the funnest trying to crack each other up and then but then you get like like do you remember my interview with the that I did with Sandler I saw some it was during the pandemic right talking bad yes and you gotta tape measure with your wife but that's yes yeah I don't know that's the that's the bad okay so this is the thing that I think is the thing about podcasting right so like so they're doing comedy gives back and they're like hey oh yeah yeah and can you do interviews we're gonna do interviews and it's like maybe three days of one of these things zooms yeah so Whitney has to be up she's like hey I've got an interview Sandler and I know your fan of his did you want to be here for that interview and I was like fuck yes now everyone's supposed to be socially distant all these there's so many rules everyone's been sticked with about it so she's like I'll have a tape measure will stay six feet apart and it'll be fun and I fucked that interview up so bad like I didn't realize I fucked it up which is what made it beautiful to other comics yeah because I got out of the interview I got my car thinking you scored I hit a home run the first person that called was my Gibbons and he goes fucking Sandler dude epic and I was like thank you and he goes dude I am crying we're sitting around crying laughing watching it and I go why didn't he goes that funny I thought he's just informative he goes funny you asked the guy if he had Netflix and I was like yeah he didn't answer do you think he does he goes Bert he's got a 230 million dollar deal Netflix he definitely has fucking Netflix because you didn't even let him talk and then my phone rings on the other side and his big J. Oakerson and he goes I go hang on Mike and I and big J is like dude fucking Sandler that was out of this is just you know we're about to trash you for the next 20 minutes on this for on the zoom and I was like wait was it bad he goes you called his movie precious gems I go that's not the name of it and he goes you said his other movie was happy Madison and I go is it not is it not happy Madison because it's the name of his production company they're like dude you didn't let the guy speak you have the biggest movie star in comedy and you told him stories about times you almost met and so but like if you can have a sense of humor about yourself that's what podcasting is if I did it on today show people be like he'd be like he ruined a great interview listen first I'll Sandler wouldn't care and second of all you texted so I was terrified oh is that what happened you you've voiced texted me and you're like the Sandler interview huh and you're like don't worry I think you said something to the fact of don't worry he's he watched your specialty like oh yeah yeah that's yeah and then because try to be the middleman because I didn't want you to freak out like something wrong happened the norm hit me up hey it was you he was a guy on my cocks game and what's the under normal would always say you know you always say the opposite yeah is a real good interview right and I liked it you know he goes that was funny because it wasn't yeah yeah I liked it because it was bad hey yeah you're like you're like when farly interviewed Paul McCartney well you had a lot of energy and you were coming right up into the frame and Adam was sort of on his heels like he was very relaxed at a desk or something so he was just sort of relaxed and and so it was a funny mismatch because you were just so excited and you you came forward into the so your head was gigantic oh Adam was you know he just back on his heels the whole time whatever happens to him anyway let's look Burke go away he's fucking great I can talk to Scout all day I get to you I got to be as easy as podcast on my podcast but more importantly I want to have you guys on my cooking show too you have a cooking show called something's burning and I just let's write yeah I saw your website I do it do you have three podcasts are in my crazy I have I technically have three two bears my four technically I do two bears broadcast open tabs which I'd love to bring I'd love to do with guests so what I do is I leave all my tabs on Safari browser open throughout the weekend okay as I Google stuff and just whatever I Google like King Leopold and then whatever I learn from it I go through the tabs on the podcast and close them that's a separate one that's a separate okay and then I have got something's burning you have someone feel burn out I know we don't have that anymore okay yeah and so something's burning it's a cooking show my cooking show and so I bring two people we do it right now we do it out of my my current house but we just bought a house to build a kitchen to do it out of rich mother fucker oh shut up the I your money answer mine away do we do you do houses when you go to them do I do what Zillow houses yeah I Zillow when I don't need a house I just Zillow it's fun I come low I Zillow everything but no I we bought a house down the street because I my kitchen isn't perfect so we just got a house that had a kitchen we could tear down and build a new kitchen and put my podcast studio in put my wife's podcast studio in yeah and new production offices out of so that we could just because it's like the cooking show took off I took but Bobby Lee and Mark Norman in on it got like 1.7 million views and like two weeks and then Jim Jeffries I put him on and I didn't put him on he was a guest on the show now when Lloyd sledge beans is that that guy you know he's telling me about button no one likes button mutton Zill grown up you want the lamb you want the lamb shank the babies like women the uh Jim Jeffrey he's with Alex he's on screen with that guys he's funny shit Bobby Lee always tracks me up we this week we have Steve Owen Annie Letterman then we have we have the the banger the banger and this will be the one that legit like I don't think you'll ever like I don't you know unless you're interviewing sometimes you don't seek out their their podcast there is without a doubt you guys will watch Tim Dylan and Whitney Cummings it will be the biggest thing I'm making fun of Whitney is pretty good too while they're doing it it is already do it already did it okay one of the guy almost passed out laughing twice he is Tim Dylan cooking is so fucking funny is he be rating Whitney I remember I mean just like a highlight I remember at one point this isn't even remotely the funniest thing he said she said I have a lot of good ideas and Tim goes one she goes what he goes one you've had one good idea that you shared in a room with other men who helped execute it one good idea so they have that kind of really she goes Tim if you were making me dinner what would you be making me today he goes I don't know percuss that putting because it's got percuss sets in it Whitney he's the fucking greatest he's the fuck and that episode will be very big because Tim is just and now look I I've no money invested in the guy he really is the best the bad guy he does the bad guy not a one cracks me up he cracks me up liquid IV Dana in the middle of winter I've been on the road and I'm dragging yeah you've been worked you've been on the road a lot you probably leaning on liquid IV to keep yourself hydrated well the fans deserve it they deserve me they deserve me we want a fresh face David's fate it's hard to give my typical 80% of my shows if you're trying to improve prove health hydration hydration is really good place to start you know that Dana liquid IV is the hydration brand that fuels your well-being let me tell you something if you're dehydrated just a little bit like let's just put a metric on it 3% you're going to be not feeling fresh and peppy every time you say that I just want to start drinking water I like that there's drink to the packs you can pack them on the road fun flavors I say a sa e a a a a a a a a berry I don't know how to say right a side berry how many letters on a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a guy a wheel of fortune listen one stick a liquid IV in six ten ten ounces of water hide it to you twice as fast as water alone that matters three times the electrolytes of any tradition sports drink non GMO free from gluten dairy and soy grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you can get 20% off when you go to liquid IV.com and use code fly it check out that's 20% off anything you order when you shop better hydration today using promo code fly at liquid IV.com David do you have anything to say right now ladies and gentlemen today I want to talk about an amazing place we're talking about Etsy you've heard of it you know about it we're talking about a place where you can find rugs sofas jackets wall art jewelry furniture all in one online marketplace why drive to the coliseum it's so nice to do if I thought you're exaggerating now you know we do ads here all the time I would stop you but you know what that's absolutely true the best part you're supporting independent sellers and the beautiful items they make and see as items for all budgets all occasions any occasion might be going holiday shopping for your significant other might want to buy your child a gift to bring to their teacher whatever it is oh they've got it you could do anything you just all I do is hear about it every day and you're you probably don't know that you're probably wearing some Etsy right now if you're new to Etsy Danny you can use the code new for 10% off your first purchase that's code new max from discount value of $50 off friend's June 30th 2023 you got some time see terms at Etsy.com slash terms for home style and gift shop Etsy.com Etsy hasn't all mobile places quickly why Omaha just good middle America I'm very neurotic so like when I knew what shoes you wear on your special yeah I've rules to specials and number one rule is I have to shoot specials in a market that I've performed in a lot that I have that has not seen the material yet so this is the real last question yeah do you feel like you have to do other special because I feel like even my guy goes all right you're special did great we're gonna let's get the next one I go fucking hey let me just live with this material for a while because it's hard you want it to be good and it's hard to just flip it after this tour after this tour 2023 I could be well the idea is to be able to take some time off to do other projects and but in order to do another project you kind of get your take your stand-up hat off and put your production hat on your your acting hat on and like because stand-up for me is all encompassing and and it's all I think about I it actually is even tough for me when I'm getting ready for a special because I'm I'm not free thinking the way I am before you know I'm really kind of dialed in on getting this one thing polished and sparkled up and and like getting like putting all the the the the rhinestones on it so that you know um but yeah I feel like after this tour of new material I mean I would love to just keep doing specials but I I would like to be one of those guys that takes a couple years off and and instead of doing them every fucking stuff your kids does other things other college I don't need them anymore I'm gonna get ready to meet my second wife they I do that you I mean I gotta meet this lady right she's getting out of high school the fact that you do nine-minute bits is I remember because I got John love it's in to stand-up they're going you're funny it's a good income stream and he loves it but I remember he'd written a few things he goes I'm out of ideas how do I get any more material and I say we'll take the material you have and expand it yeah you run yeah oh and every time I see him you've saved me a lot of time well that's what he talks but you doing nine-minute pieces based on a story yeah because it seems like that's helpful in terms of getting to that hour well it's it's frustrating so like there's a bit that I'm closing my special with now that happened fucking four years ago that I've been working on for four years you bring up in bits at the store you'll be like all right anyone done this and then you start working it you get a couple for me it's a couple nuggets inside it where where they where you can get a few laughs then once you can do that then you focus on the thickness of it hoping you can figure out an ending yeah once you get the ending then you can skinny everything out yeah and just tell a short story yeah yeah the ending is the tough ending so everyone to tell stories the one mistake comics don't make is a story need people need to know it's over because if they don't it's got a pop it's got a yeah and if you don't have the pop don't record it wait till you got the pop wait till you got the thing where you say fuck that bitches is Russia where everyone knows the story's complete it's that's the end of the show either applause or at least we know it's over you're going to next yeah yeah yeah I hated that I am I special I think I had two that were a little undercooked but I love them yeah and then wait what was it what was it was ones where I go they're they beefed out since yeah and I go am I cheating because now it's a fully formed bit that's three minutes longer but I go but the nugget of it which is a couple laughs yeah but now it's turned into a whole thing and you go fuck it's but it's still the root of it was that well that's the the real the part the problem I have with hours is I I literally I have a bunch of undercooked stuff and then the dot the ideas which ones which ones are the which ones will be the best meals because sometimes you got to take ones that are even like I have like two bits that are fully cooked now yeah but just they don't fit in the hours just doesn't make sense in that hour you put and and I've told them a lot on the road and I just got to take them out and I can't use them for my next hour because it's I've already told them a bunch so I got to write new stuff and then hope that I can take ingredients out and re put them in somewhere I mean I like I don't know right now is my favorite part of of an hour is is I had everyone go watch it last week and they're all signed off on everyone's like holy shuts great hour and I was like for real I'm so close to it I was like even this part and then like yeah even this part like you guys like this part this even there's one there's one thing I did on that I was and I was like what and I what about this one thing which I thought was really good and they're like it's not that good and I was like shut the fuck up so I've got the actual hour but now's my favorite part where you like tonight I'm going to the store I'm doing three shows and I need all I need are certain tags inside jokes so I just got to work on I'll take the like the the bit I need is wine tasting it's a big thing about wine tasting and so I need or some good gems inside a wine tasting bit so right now I'm gonna go go on stage and just talk about wine tasting David and and the one line I wrote is which I thought it's funny and I'll I'll tell about I hopefully it makes a special but you go into wine tasting and they just pour you like the little bits of wine like we're about to get our assholes eaten by Michael Jackson and so so that's the the bit I like because that's how he did it I think Jesus Jesus Jesus so like I but so I got like ten of those written in my book I'm like of who who would drink just a little bit of wine why they would drink that little wine and then how do I force that into I walk in and they've got little bits of wine like dot dot dot so I got that's the funnest part of stand-up of of the special for me is that because I'll go through my hour and there's lazy writing my dad opens three doors first door and it's my lazy writings is like fuck you cocksucker E-My-S you know like whatever yeah and then and then all of a sudden like I should probably write a joke in there instead of just cursing you know it'll still work but it should probably it'll still work all right wow I appreciate it guys thank you it's it's it's I mean like I said this was so much fun you have incredible amount of energy I will thank you this is a tone down by the way for the audience and we'll do another drinking one do I can do two drinks oh we all definitely just getting some stela's or something like that I just drink beers cold beers or ice cold beer nice cold beer buzzes I'll go tell you this world that's right that's after after a runner I go hiking and then a couple of years after a run they sparkle what just their whole body you get on a whole another thing so yeah that'll be fun I'm a runner you runner well I was now I'm a hiker because I have a little bit of a hip thing but I was a huge runner for years I really really into it so you can still run five miles this morning these hips everything overweight I feel a little more in my knees and in my feet you look pretty good though well it's because I don't just look bloated and splotchicks I've been drinking I was I was 20 days off the sauce so I feel like and I've lost a little bit way but not as much as you think so good right but yeah it must feel great but yeah I just you're good with the shoes and everything you know all about your pronation oh I'm a partner pronator I want I've filled myself running in slow motion and you can see me actually pronate it's really good to a point you get a bunch too much is not good pronation it's we're talking it's now I gotta go anyway no that's a great habit running it's awesome I think it's the purest wonderful you know oh anyway I might have got my soul mate today we're doing a pair of running running and the beer buzz after the running yeah let's we'll fly somewhere together fly go run and drink yes that's it that's it we'll definitely do that I love it yeah this has been a podcast presentation of cadence 13 please listen then rate review and follow all episodes available now for free wherever you get your podcast no joke folks flying the wall has been a presentation of cadence 13 executive produced by Dana Carvey and David Spade Chris Corkren of cadence 13 and Charlie Feinen of brilstein entertainment the shows lead producers Greg Holtman with production and engineering sport from Serena Regan and Chris Bezel of cadence 13