Listen to Episode

Read Episode Transcript

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamkoko.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Ohania. Meet Konan and Sona. Hi guys, who are you? Hi, Ohania. Am I pronouncing your name correctly? Oh my God, right off the bat. Yeah. You did. Yes. Well, very nice to see you. Ohania. I'm going to put a little chah. There you like that. You like Ohania? That was going to be my trek to teach you, you know, like Thomas or just like the see-through way of pronouncing things. I am fluent in Spanish as you probably have heard. Well, there goes my opportunity to teach you Spanish. No, I could always get better because I'm far from fluent. But I'm told I have a fine accent. So we'll discover that ourselves. Yes. Ohania, tell me a little bit about yourself. Where are you right now? Well, I'm in cordoba Argentina. That's the second largest city. That sounds so beautiful. Listen, let me say that. Cordoba Argentina. Cordoba. Cordoba. Yes. That's where I think cordoba. Cordoba. Yes. Cordoba. Ah, cordoba. No, I swear to God, I feel like if I had grown up in cordoba, I would have many lovers. Because, you know, just saying cordoba fills me with passion. Well, yes, and there's two cities called Cordoba. There's one here in one in Spain. I haven't been to that one, but I'm sure mine is better. Yeah, I've heard. I've heard terrible things about it. Sure. And they just say cordoba, Spain. That's how it's pronounced there. But you are cordoba. Argentina. I love it. I just absolutely love it. Tell me, what's it like there? What's it like in Cordoba? Oh, it's beautiful. Beautiful weather. It doesn't get too cold. I mean, the cold is a gets in the winter. I would say it would be like a crisp fall day in New York, you know? Right. Right. Summer's gets really, really hot. Like the hottest days we've had, I think it would be like the high 90s, I would say. Right. Because I have to do the conversion that I can't do math, really. That's okay. It's a beautiful city. It's the second largest city. So it's not as big as Buenos Aires, but it's big enough. We have everything. And it's a big student city because we have a lot of colleges here, so people from all over the country and from other places in Latin America come to school here. So you're saying that cordoba gets very hot and it's filled with young people. Oh, yes. Well, I'm just saying. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm extrapolating. In your mind, this entire city is like a late night foam party rave. Yes. Sorry, but I'm just telling me if I'm wrong and, and Ochania, my friends will tell you, I am not a perverted in any way. No, we won't say that. Please. We'll edit that out. But my point is that young people must be taking their clothes off all the time and walking around in very revealing, but you're not a pervert. Just give Ochania a chance to talk. Yes, Ochania. If the mood strikes, yes, yes, and also probably a culture that isn't ashamed of their bodies, a culture that's very comfortable. Just look at your posture right now. How high your shoulders are. I became Mr. Burns. I know. Exactly. I'll do you one better, like one more detail to this scenario. You're correctly building, I would say. We drink mate, which is like a very hot beverage, and we drink it all year long. So it doesn't matter if it's like a hundred degrees, we have a hot beverage, which makes everybody hotter, I would say, probably. Yes, yes, yes. Incredible. So do you have a beach there in quarterback, you on the ocean, or there's no beach? No. Oh, there's no beach. We're smack in the middle. Okay, so no need to wear a bathing suit, I suppose. But we have tons of rivers. Tons of rivers. River, like 20 minutes away. Okay. 20 minutes away. Yeah. All right. Well, maybe I'll put on my speedo and go down on the river. Yeah, do some tubing. Yeah, I'll do some sexy. You won't stand out at all. Yeah, you'll blend in with the Argentinian. Yeah. Oh, Hania, please tell me, you brought it up. So I think I'm allowed to ask Oh, Hania, how would I blend in and what I blend in it all and be honest in our container? I'll give you, so one clear example, I dated an American guy and he came to live here for like a year and a half and he is a ginger and very, very white. He might relate to that. He wasn't as tall as you, but everybody do. He was a gringo, you know, or a yank. We call them, we call them Yankees. I don't know why, but everybody that's American, people call them junkies, which sounds different. Do you think I'd have any chance of convincing them that no, I am from Córdoba. My name is Konando. Is there any way that I would be able to convince them, do you think, or just wouldn't work? I think so, I think so because you know, Argentinians are a mix of many, many different cultures. So there's not like one stereotype, stereotypical Argentinian. But yeah, I think that if I mean, you're a star, man. Thank you. Thank you. Well, no, who you are. Thank you. You know, you could say. Oh, sorry, I think with your growing accent or lack thereof, you're a beautiful Argentinian. If you learn Argentinian Spanish, which is a different type of Spanish sort of a little bit, and you have a mate and you just like walk around with a mate, I think I think you could blend in. Yeah, no shirt. But you've probably got to change like your, you're like comfort with your naked body. I know I am very uptight, but I think if I could come down to Córdoba, I believe and have some mate and wander around without my shirt on, I think and convince myself that I'm Argentinian. I mean, you could tell people, yes, he is Argentinian. He's just quite ill. I'll vouch for you. I'll vouch for you. No questions. God, he doesn't have enough platelets. I'll vouch for you. He's, people are already doing that for you here in the States. Exactly. I get that here, but we really have to ramp it up. Like he's missing several organs. He doesn't have long to live. This is his make-o-wish. Well, it could work because I live like in the hospital area. There's like five hospitals around. Oh, perfect. So like, it could work with our allies. You could get me an IV and I could walk around with it and go, I am from Córdoba, I'm not well. I'm waiting on a melanin transplant. You're emerging from like the... I've been accenting. The correct accent to a vampire accent. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm going to a vampire accent. Hey, I have a question for you. Your English is superb. How did you learn English? Do you learn in school? Oh, it's a funny story. Oh, no, I didn't. So I learned when I was a kid without really knowing by watching television. My brother was going to an exchange student program in the U.S. and then the host family called the day before and my mom didn't speak any English and I walked through the door and I had had like, I don't know, maybe a few English classes for school, which is basically nothing, honestly. And then I just picked up the phone and started talking and that's how we all realized that I could speak English, including myself. Wow. It's incredible. It hasn't happened with anything else. So I think it's, later on, I got diagnosed with ADHD. So I believe I was hyper focusing. Yes. And my parents let me watch too much television and I watched Sign Fill and I watched Matt about you and friends with subtitles and I just, I picked it up, I guess. You know, that's fascinating because you're, I've talked to many people in different countries and you're not the first who said that they learned English from watching American television. So, Sonia came, no, when she came to America, she watched primarily Silver Spoons, I think, and too close for comfort. Yeah. And how did I get here? I think by C, it's the only way to get here, a ship or raft or something. A raft or a ship? Oh, okay. We all strained it out. She's legal now and she learned the language, but I think it's amazing that you picked that all up from, you must know episodes of Sign Fill by heart. I loved it. I loved it. And if I had been fortunate enough to be able to watch Conan since I was a kid, I would have learned many more things. But on the other hand, I get to watch a lot of the things from previous years of Conan. Good. I don't know why I'm talking to you like you're not there, but you like. A lot of people, a lot of people talk. My wife does that a lot. She says, what are we going to do about Conan? And I'm just sitting in the corner eating applesauce. You're a prominent part of my life. I don't know if you can see. Yeah, look, I'm right behind you. That's so cool. Is that a drawing? Yes. Did you do that drawing? Yes, a hand drawing. No, my boyfriend gave me that as a birthday present. Very good. He's like, no, no, no, he knows his place. He knows he comes after Conan. Oh, nice. Oh, I am coming to Cordova. What do you do for work? So I was a copywriter for many years. I worked in advertising, much like Mrs. Liza. Yes. That's right. My wife was when I met her, was an ad copywriter. That's right. But then I switched careers completely. And now I do operations for a poker company, for an American poker company. Wow. You really did, Shane. Do not know how to play poker. So you can't play poker yourself, but you work at a poker playing company. I mean, I had to learn the very basics of it. And then this is, so the, it's a poker teaching company. So we have courses very advanced courses based in math and statistics. And it's really, really advanced and awesome. So I can't follow any of them. So I help everybody with like their courses, like if they're missing something, they're billing and, and I help my boss, who's the chillest boss of the world. Well, shout out to James. Must be nice. So does something like much of a boss to me. So yeah. It's all that palsy, walsy. So what's going on in your life? I don't want to get too personal, but I also want to know everything about you. Well, Hania, you have this boyfriend. Do you guys live together? We do not. We do not. And I have a huge house. I'm just a loner. I don't know. Wait, you have a big house. I have a big house. That's why it might sound a little echoey here. I'm sorry. I don't have many furniture in the office. But yeah, it's a five bedroom house. Wow. Wow. You have a single woman, you have a boyfriend, but you live with you. And you live in a five bedroom house. I do. I do. He does have his own room. My boyfriend does have his own room. Wait a minute. You said you don't live with him. I do have a heart. You know, but he doesn't live with you. He doesn't live with you. He does not. But he has a room that he's assigned to go to when he comes and visits. So he doesn't stay in your room with you when he comes over. No. Not two dogs, they're so big and I sleep with my dogs. Wait a minute. You're a loner. He likes me. He likes me as I am. Wait a minute. I'm not trying to be critical. I'm trying to help you. I like this. But your boyfriend comes over and this is your young people. He's coming over to see you. But because you have dogs in a big house, you make him sleep in a separate room. That doesn't sound very romantic. And you are living in Cordubal. I'm a catch. I mean, he knows that that's the price to pay to be with me. I mean, I'm a pretty cool. But he's also not with you. He's in a different room in the mansion. He's in to you. Yeah. And when he's with me, he brings me cone and portraits. Because he knows where my priority is. Nothing more erotic than that. Hey, oh, Hania. OK, I'm curious. Are you going to fix up your house? Is your house going to be all fixed up? I re-did the kitchen and one of the bathrooms. Because this is like a three-story house. And the bottom floor is not mine. I have the two top floors. So the bathroom was like had problems with the plumbing and stuff. So we had to take it all down and build it again. And I moved here. But then I didn't decorate. I didn't bring a lot of furniture. Because you have to fill a five bedroom house. You have to fill it. And I don't have enough furniture. So do you have a cone in your room? That's why it sounds so like going. Do you have a room that's right for you? I could. I mean, if Conan wants to come here, yeah, he'll have his room definitely. What would we tell me, Hania, let's say I did come visit you? What would we do? So this is a beautiful city. So it's a city. It's pretty busy. But then we're like 20 minutes away from mountains and rivers and lakes. So it's pretty nice, either summer and winter. I've seen mountains and lakes. Right. This might be interesting. Right across the street from my house. I can see it right now. There's a Romanian restaurant. So Sonia, if you come. Oh, I have. OK, that's terrific. Can I go? Yeah, no, listen, we'll see. Sonia. Why would I like you to pay for me to go to Cordova? I don't take care of it. What I'm more interested in, and you mentioned beautiful lakes and rivers and streams, but I want to hit the clubs. I mean, you're talking about a very young city. And I would like to hit the clubs. And maybe you and your boyfriend would come along. Tell me about your boyfriend. What's he like? He is awesome. He's 10 years younger than me. I am 37. So it's not like a dangerous situation. He's 27. Wait. What do you mean it's not a dangerous situation? Do women start killing their mate when they hit 40? Is that what it is? I'm an illegal. It might seem very young, but I'm 37. You do? Oh, 37's young, I believe. So there you go. It is. I mean, I'm learning so much about you. I still don't think you haven't sold me. I like you a lot. You seem like a really nice person. OK, accept you've got this guy in your life. And what's his name again? Martin. Martin. I'm going to call him Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin. Martin. I must go to Cordoba. And I must face Martin. I just want to know about what we would do together. And I like I say I don't I want to go out and hit the nightlife. It must be a very vibrant nightlife. Yes. So, I mean, we could hit the clubs. And I will. So over the summer is really cool because the clubs open in the mountain side. So you're dancing up until 6 a.m. with like the mountain as one of the walls of the club. Right? That's so cool. So that's available. I don't really do it, but I would do it for you. I mean, I'm your right or die while we're here. But I don't do. I didn't even do it when I was like 18, man, but like I will. I didn't do anything when I was 18. I didn't leave my room until I was 27. So this all I was packed in a heavy cream and refrigerated. This, this sounds very exciting to me. You now you're selling me on this. I don't want to hear about lakes and rivers and oh, there's a museum. Martin will show you. No, none of that. I want clubs. I want this matcha, this special drink that we have. Mate. Mate. Mate. Okay. I want mate and I want clubs and I want to wear very little clothing and I want to liberate myself. I want to be a new Conan, not the uptight Conan that came from Boston, but the Conan that lives in Gordoba, Harajinzina. You know, that's that's who I want to be. Is that too much to ask? I like that for you. This late stage in my life. No, I like that for you. 41 years old. It's time I, you don't have Wikipedia available in South America, do you? Good. So at 41, I want to really spread my wings. When I lie, my, do you have a big birthday coming up? Oh, thanks a lot for telling everyone. Yes. By what you do, you mean just hanging flesh for age. I love that my tell when I'm lying is that I drink completely out of the side of my mouth in an unnatural way. Me? Why 41? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, hey, Anya, it's been very nice talking to you. You seem like a lovely person. Thank you. And you know, if there's any way I can ever help you, maybe I will. I do suggest that you, it's pretty drab that color behind you. You know, it's, it's just white. Maybe that should change. You want to come and paint? I mean, I was going to, one of the activities that I was going to do. I was going to paint. I'm going to paint. No, one of the activities. What do you want me to come? Why don't I move the furniture? I'll move a piano for you too. One that we're at it. You just want to put me to work, don't you? Well, I mean, I was going to teach you how to sew, but that was like you wanted to go clubbing. So I guess we'll go clubbing. Maybe this is like a karate kid thing where you have to study under her and you have to do certain chores and tasks. And then you don't realize you're ready for the club because you've been painting, but actually what you're doing is dancing. Yes. That's right. Yeah. Oh, that's right. Look at that. I'm going to be painting and I'm going to be moving furniture. Do that. But then see that's going to crush it. Yeah. Just look at that. I'm going to be doing this. And then later on you'll say Conan, I'll be bitter and I'll say, Oh, Hania, you said you'd bring me to the clubs, but all I've done is push and paint and you'll say, Conan, now you are ready. Please, this Argentinian. Yes. Who is this very sick Argentinian? I'll say I have a high white blood cell count and everyone on the club will be holding glow sticks. So they have glow sticks in Córdoba? Yeah. And the mountain clubs they do. Yes. Well, they come from the mountains. That's where glow sticks are mined. Yeah. They only grow at a certain elevation. Yeah. To come and cut them at the right height. Listen, I feel like a fool, but oh, Hania, I'm very proud that you, you've been listening to the podcast. Is that it? Or do you watch the clips on YouTube? So I first, I've always seen little clips here and there, but I saw the documentary back in 2012. Right. And that's how I just like became like a diehard fan of Conan. And then I watched the show while I was in New York for a few months and then just the clips and the podcast and everything I can get my hands on. Well, oh, Hania, very nice. What's your full name, Oh, Hania? Maria, Oh, Hania. Maria, Oh, Hania. Okay. Oh, Hania's your last nice. No, no, Maria, oh, yeah, what's your full name? Maria, Cinco H falco. Wow. That's beautiful. Maria, Oh, Hania, Cinco H falco must find it. Oh, my God. Right? Never thought I would hear those words come out of your mouth. Well, I mean, either, frankly, frankly, there's never reason for it to happen. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. It's, that's not a sentence that comes out much. Well, very nice, very nice talking to you. And yes, we got to get some color. We got to get some color in that house. And then we got to hit the clubs. Okay. Yes. Come to Argentina. Now there were best friends. Well, best friends. I got to make a few calls. But yes, you're very close to best. We'll see what happens. We'll see how it goes in the clubs. You have to call Tim Olephant until the night to this place. You just made Tim Olephant very happy. That guy loves the shout out. Okay, Oh, Hania. Thank you very much and have a lovely day, night, whatever is happening where you are. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, sonom of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloterof and Jeff Ross, a team cocoa and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Working by Eduardo Perez, please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are down. This has been a team cocoa production in association with Stitcher.